Broken Glass

Broken Glass

Broken glass,
Whisper your stories.
Melt the tears
Of cold, dead hearts.

Broken glass
Litter the night sky.
Hands of crying souls
Battering onto doors
Guarded by Death.

Broken glass,
Killing all hopes of the spirit.
Swimming in a pool of demons,
Virtues are caged
By the sound of crumbling rubble.

Broken glass,
Leave your remains on the seashore.
Soon it'll be washed away
By the raging waves
Of truth.

Broken glass,
The moon erodes away as you shriek.
When the sun wakes,
The damage has already been
Stained on souls
Pouring their shattered words.

Um, creepy. You had a difinite voice, and I liked that. Your poem seemed to skip around, though, from death to truth to destruction (the end of truth?). Try to make the meaning come through.

*labels with the big red EMO stamp*

Originality. It's okay to write about death and despair and whatnot, but you've got to do it in a way that's new and refreshing. This seems like stuff I've read before...it's not all that new, know what I mean?

Repetition. Beginning each stanza with "Broken Glass" didn't really help your poem; it probably hurt it more than anything. If you're going to repeat something over and over again, it should at least be interesting.

Imagery. One of the poem's biggest problems is that its imagery isn't attractive to a reader. You want your reader to see, hear, touch, taste, even smell the poem. And to do that you have to show, not tell, and use more concrete images--things that you can visualize.

Virtues are caged
By the sound of crumbling rubble.

Here's an example of what you don't want to do. How on earth am I, the reader, supposed to visualize virtues being caged by a sound? Pretty hard, huh?
Instead of saying that virtues are being cages, blah blah blah, try showing it in a more visual way. You don't have to say "virtues," necessarily, but you might show it in a different way; say, a man with good morals breaks down and commits a crime under the pressure of impending doom, something like that.

Good luck!
-Colleen

Echo to Colleen up there. ^_~

Seriously, listen to her. She knows what she's talking about - and I agree with absolutely everything that she said.

However, this isn't all bad. It flows very well, although it was ... depressing. I did like some stanza, such as:

Broken glass,
The moon erodes away as you shriek.
When the sun wakes,
The damage has already been
Stained on souls
Pouring their shattered words.

I like the 'moon erodes away as you shriek' part.

Broken glass
Litter the night sky.
Hands of crying souls
Battering onto doors
Guarded by Death.

It should be 'Litters'.

Anyways. Cade already has it covered; that girl is such a critique hogger...xD.

Happy Editing!

- Camille

I just want to know the meaning..anyone...

Alright, I'll tell you...
This poem is actually a reference to World War II (Hitler era)...sorry if it was not that clear, maybe I need more 'training'.
Ooops!

Anyhow...thanx for reviewing ev'ryone!

Pretty much what colleen said, she pretty much knows what she is talking about. Still, it was fairly good, just needs a little reworking. I won't go on about the same things that have already been said

Broken glass,
Whisper your stories.
Melt the tears
Of cold, dead hearts.

Alright. I'm sure you're aware of the defunct capitalization rule here. It's really out of class to capitalize every line unless it's fitting with the grammar. Anyhow. Here, you tell me you're talking to the broken glass. Then you say dead hearts have tears. This rings very emohtic.

Broken glass
Litter the night sky.
Hands of crying souls
Battering onto doors
Guarded by Death.

You've the broken glass refrain in all the strophes. I think it doesn't work a single time except in this instance, which would add to the image of stars in a sky. Otherwise, no. The last three lines of this are grammatically incorrect (something very important in free verse.) You just mention the hands of crying souls (cliche) battering against the death portal or whatever. It's all very boring and emoh.

Broken glass,
Killing all hopes of the spirit.
Swimming in a pool of demons,
Virtues are caged
By the sound of crumbling rubble.

Broken glass,
Leave your remains on the seashore.
Soon it'll be washed away
By the raging waves
Of truth.

I don't think anyone ever taught you how to break a line. You maintain a very droll little cadence here, which is a total waste of the device. You're also being eaten alive by the poetic tautology nonsense--S1, you try to sound poetic just to give the image of "caged virtues." The rest is filler and boring. Then, you talk about the abstract Truth. You offer some concrete details to it but they don't fit, as I don't equate the sea to truth. It's all ineffective.

Broken glass,
The moon erodes away as you shriek.
When the sun wakes,
The damage has already been
Stained on souls
Pouring their shattered words.

Okay, I'm going to say it, though this should be common knowledge. If it sounds poetic, it almost surely isn't. "Soul, shattered, shriek." You don't offer any 'situation' to justify this. This is a piece made of abstraction and cliche, like any other of similar composition.

You can help this by concentrating on the line breaks and the concept of the 'situation.' Instead of mentioning anything (no set time in this piece) set the quintessence (though it's hard to grasp in this piece, which signifies your failure) in a location. At least the hint of a location.

Just avoid cliches. And, considering the nature of this subforum, I don't see any rhythm at all.

Broken glass... so creepy, but you make it so deep!
I love who you worded this entire poem. You stick with your subject and make it more meaningful with every stanza. I love this poem, and I really hope you kee writing. I have to say, this poem is better than most I have ever read.

KEEP WRITIN'!

Lil_Pau wrote:Alright, I'll tell you...
This poem is actually a reference to World War II (Hitler era)...sorry if it was not that clear, maybe I need more 'training'.

I agree with the others that the meaning is rather unclear. I don't think I would have figured out that you're talking about Kristallnacht unless you told us--at least that's what I understood you meant from your explanation. I might be wrong. *blushes*

The repetition of "Broken glass" at the beginning of each stanza lends continuity to the poem. I really like how the speaker is addressing the glass. Your use of imagery is very good. "The raging waves of truth" is a particularly good line.

In the last stanza, you have "Stained on souls/Pouring their shattered words."
I'm not sure, but "pouring" doesn't quite sound like the right word. Then again, I can't think of a different one, so maybe it does fit.

An excellent poem. Keep it up!

Great poem but some punctionuation errors here like in the first stanza

Broken glass,
Whisper your stories.
Melt the tears
Of cold, dead hearts.

If there was a comma on the first line then do the same with tnhe third. Nice use of details. Very complex which i like. Gothgirl01

It's kinda creepy and uhhm emo-ish but you did a nice job in expressing your feelings! keep up the good work!