Numb (Chapter 1)

11 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 10
Hey this is my first thing to ever post so keep that in mind when you read this! I need the criticism, so please don't be afraid to tell the truth. Thanks!

_________________________________


“I am not human.”

Her words rang in his ears.

“I am not alien.”

He still stood at the doorway, the door he had slammed in her face now the only thing he saw through his confused eyes. Everything was a blur. He wasn’t sure if he had been standing here for minutes or hours. He didn’t care.

If she wasn’t human or alien, then what was she? The image of those eyes still pierced through his memory. Those bright, white eyes…

“I am not human.”

She had white hair, but was not aged. She was thin, too thin. Her image was imprinted on his mind. Something about her made him sympathetic, but still, something about her scared him. Like a magnetic pull, he had slowly shut the door in that pale, white-eyed face.

He slowly fell to his knees, his eyes still focused on the door. Had she left? If so, where had she gone?

Suddenly, her voice, that low, mysterious voice, seemed to be speaking to him in his mind.

I am still here, she said, open the door.

Slowly, he found himself obeying. And there she was, in the exact same place as she had been when he closed the door.

She stared at him. It seemed she was waiting for him to speak.

He cleared his throat. “H-hello.”

Her face did not stir. Only her mouth moved when she spoke. “Please, I need a place to stay.” She did not look him in the eye.

He blocked the door with his hand. “First things first. Who are you?”

“Who I am does not matter.” She replied, pronouncing every word clearly. “I know who you are. You are Fredrick Michael Banks. You grew up here in Helensville, New Zealand. You are twenty-five years old and own a black boxer named Tiny.”

Right as she said that, a huge black dog peeked from behind the man.

His face turned red. “Who on earth are--”

He was cut off when her eyes rolled into her head and she fell on him limply.

Startled, he stood there, the strange woman in his arms. He then felt their heart beats morph into one, as if their souls had united.

He carried her to the couch and laid her there. He stood back and looked at the motionless figure. She smelled of sea salt, and chemicals. Her clothes were battered and worn, and it was at this time that he noticed she was soaking wet. No wonder, it was storming outside, and he had made her stand there in the rain. He felt like an idiot.

He numbly found himself searching for a blanket for her. He felt his heart beating in his head. What was it about this woman that frightened him so? Something was different about her. Maybe she was insane. Or maybe he was. Was this all a dream?

“I am not human.”

Her voice rang in his head still. He laid the blanket across her and then sat, looking at her, wondering, confused…but suddenly, for the first time that night, not afraid.
Chyeahh. Woo!




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 3965
Reviews 152
"I am still here, she said, open the door. "
okay if this is speech it needs speech makrs, if it's thought-speech it need to be italicised.

"the exact same place as she had "
I'm not a big fan of this turn of phrase. you could try "exactly the same place," or"exactly the same position" if you want.

"Right as she said that, a huge "
to me, "this" sounds better than "that", but that's just my opinion.

This construction of this piece is awesome. I love the way you introduce your mystical figure, ang keep the mystery going. The introduction of your protagonist is also strong, and we get a lot of his impressions and ideas as well as his obsefvations.
The use of senses such as scent is wonderful.

Please PM me when u post again, i'd love to see where this is headed,

Cheerio,
Rubric
So you're going to kill a god. Sure. But what happens next?

Diary of a Deicide, Part One.


Got YWS?




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 2020
Reviews 87
“I am not human.”


“I am not alien.”


“I am not human.”


I am still here, she said, open the door.


I think if you change all of these "I am" s to "I'm" s it will make it flow better.
And like Rubric said ^^ the last sentence on the list needs quotation marks.


He still stood at the doorway, the door he had slammed in her face now the only thing he saw through his confused eyes.


This sentence kind of confused me...maybe changing 'doorway' into 'door' will make the sentence less confusing.

He then felt their heart beats morph into one, as if their souls had united.


cool, good descriptions :)

I thought that this peice was really good. I also liked how you kept the mystical figure a mystery. Other then the things I mentioned above, I didn't really find anything wrong with it. PM me when you post again! I would love to find out what happens!




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 13
i think the story was a little to short and i wish you could've given more backround information because i didn't understand what was going on. i hope you continue writing




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 27175
Reviews 387
This is definately intriguing. Your prose is very tight and to the point. Good qualities. I found myself wanting more.

However, this seems like a strange beginning unless it's meant as a flashforward or a flashback. It's a little too sudden. You were right to open your story with action and excitement and intrigue, but not enough prelude can weaken your character. Usually, it's wise to include something about your character - his personality, who he is, how he sees himself, his normal problems - before hitting the reader with the meaty stuff. I could see you pulling this opening scene off if you put on the brakes in the next chapter; maybe have the MC pondering the strange woman as he gets ready for work or while he's brewing coffee, giving room to smoothly transistion his thoughts into his normal life. D you know what I mean? If not, PM me.

I had no problem with the "I am not human/alien/still here" one-liners. They're very adeptly written. And no, Rubric and Gymnast, quotation marks are not necessary if the woman is speaking to him internally.

“First things first. Who are you?”


Seems abrupt. And unrealistic. Cut out the "first things first" passage. It doesn't work in this sentence.

“I know who you are. You are Fredrick Michael Banks. You grew up here in Helensville, New Zealand. You are twenty-five years old and own a black boxer named Tiny.”


If I was dear Frederick, at that point I would have slammed the door on the woman's face again. I would immediatley assume she was stalking me. I would the lock the door, call the police, and get a shotgun out. Well, maybe not the shotgun, but I still think Freddies reaction to the woman's words is a little passive. Make his reaction more realistic.

Good job. I look forward to more.

-Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1478
Reviews 220
Cool. Very cool.

He still stood at the doorway, the door he had slammed in her face, now the only thing he saw through his confused eyes. Everything was a blur. He wasn’t sure if he had been standing here for minutes or hours. He didn’t care
.

Like a magnetic pull, he had slowly shut the door on that pale, white-eyed face.


Slammed implies the door was sut quickly and loudly, but then you say he shut it slowly. I think you should pick one and fix the other.

Other than those two things; great story! I liked it a lot and look forward to finding out more about this mysterious young...being. =P
I'm like that song stuck in your head; I come and I go, but never truly dissapear.

And apparently I also write a blog.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 370
Ok, let's go!

“I am not human.”

Her words rang in his ears.

“I am not alien.”

He still stood at the doorway, the door he had slammed in her face now the only thing he saw through his confused eyes. Everything was a blur. He wasn’t sure if he had been standing here for minutes or hours. He didn’t care.

If she wasn’t human or alien, then what was she? The image of those eyes still pierced through his memory. Those bright, white eyes…

“I am not human.”

She had white hair, but was not aged. She was thin, too thin. Her image was imprinted on his mind. Something about her made him sympathetic, but still, something about her scared him. Like a magnetic pull, he had slowly shut the door in that pale, white-eyed face.
all of the above very good, catchy, intersting... ooo i really wonder who he is!
He slowly fell to his knees, his eyes still focused on the door. Had she left? If so, where had she gone?

Suddenly[,] her voice, that low[,] mysterious voice, seemed to be speaking to him in his mind.

I am still here, she said, open the door. <--- Italics I reckon

Slowly, he found himself obeying. And there she was, in the exact same place as she had been when he closed the door.

She stared at him. It seemed she was waiting for him to speak.

He cleared his throat. “H-hello.”

Her face did not stir. Only her mouth moved when she spoke. “Please, I need a place to stay.” She did not look him in the eye.

He blocked the door with his hand. “First things first. Who are you?”

“Who I am does not matter.” She replied, pronouncing every word clearly. “I know who you are. You are Fredrick Michael Banks. You grew up here in Helensville, New Zealand. You are twenty-five years old and own a black boxer named Tiny.”

Right as she said that, a huge black dog peeked from behind the man.

His face turned red. “Who on earth are--”

He was cut off when her eyes rolled into her head and she fell on him limply.

Startled, he stood there, the strange woman in his arms. He then felt their heart beats morph into one, as if their souls had united. well written

He carried her to the couch and laid her there. He stood back and looked at the motionless figure. She smelled of sea salt, and chemicals. Her clothes were battered and worn, and it was at this time that he noticed she was soaking wet. No wonder, it was storming outside, and he had made her stand there in the rain. He felt like an idiot.

He numbly found himself searching for a blanket for her. He felt his heart beating in his head. What was it about this woman that frightened him so? Something was different about her. Maybe she was insane. Or maybe he was. Was this all a dream?

“I am not human.”

Her voice rang in his head still. He laid the blanket across her and then sat, looking at her, wondering, confused…but suddenly, for the first time that night, not afraid.


I really liked that, it showed your ability to write and I could barely find any grammar issues, though knowing me I will have overlooked a few things!
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue

Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1341
Reviews 8
Ahh, this is my very first post on this site, so I hope I can do this right. xD

Anyways, I found this piece to be very interesting, though kind of short. I like the way the story starts, kind of putting us in the middle of everything at once. I think maybe some background information after the action would make it fit well. For example, after the last sentence, perhaps some explanation of who he is and what he was doing before this mysterious person arrived at his door.

Also, Gymnast said something about the "I am" parts not flowing well. I think I understand where you were going, and as a reader I assumed she spoke in some sort of monotone? Maybe in the descriptions you should address how she speaks just to make things a bit clearer.

I think everything else was addressed by the people before me, so there's not really anything else I'd like to add. ^_^ I'll be waiting for the next chapter!

♥♥ Ina
"Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt." -- Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1190
Reviews 6
This was an extremely interesting read. I don't have to correct much, seeing as several people above me have done so already. I'm just wondering if this really fits into action/adventure? It sounds fantasy/sci-fi-ish to me, with the whole alien, white-haired stuff. Then again, I suppose I should just wait for future installments. =D Well done.

--JF.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1382
Reviews 237
my edits will be in bold...

VioletSunrise wrote:Hey this is my first thing to ever post so keep that in mind when you read this! I need the criticism, so please don't be afraid to tell the truth. Thanks!

_________________________________


“I am not human.”

Her words rang in his ears.

“I am not alien.” well, technically...if you aren't human, and you don't know what something is, then it is alien. anything you don't know about is alien to you. i get what you mean by that, (green things from mars or whatever, lol) but it's a messy quote.

He still stood at the doorway, the door he had slammed in her face now the only thing he saw through his confused eyes. Everything was a blur. He wasn’t sure if he had been standing here for minutes or hours. He didn’t care. i liked this paragraph, but i had to read it through twice to get it--your wordings a bit odd

If she wasn’t human or alien, again with the alien thing, maybe put "an alien" instead of just "alien" then what was she? The image of those eyes still pierced through his memory. Those bright, white eyes… i liked the last couple of sentences

“I am not human.” i really liked how you kept repeating this...added some mystery and a tiny bit of horror to it

She had white hair, but was not aged. She was thin, too thin. interesting... Her image was imprinted on his mind. Something about her made him sympathetic, but still, something about her scared him. Like a magnetic pull, he had slowly shut the door in that pale, white-eyed face.

He slowly fell to his knees, his eyes still focused on the door. Had she left? If so, where had she gone?

Suddenly, her voice, that low, mysterious voice, seemed to be speaking to him in his mind.

I am still here, she said, open the door.

Slowly, he found himself obeying. And there she was, in the exact same place as she had been when he closed the door.

She stared at him. It seemed she was waiting for him to speak.

He cleared his throat. “H-hello.”

Her face did not stir. Only her mouth moved when she spoke. “Please, I need a place to stay.” She did not look him in the eye.

He blocked the door with his hand. “First things first. Who are you?”

“Who I am does not matter.” She replied, pronouncing every word clearly. “I know who you are. You are Fredrick Michael Banks. You grew up here in Helensville, New Zealand. You are twenty-five years old and own a black boxer named Tiny.”

Right as she said that, a huge black dog peeked from behind the man.

His face turned red. “Who on earth are--”

He was cut off when her eyes rolled into her head and she fell on him limply.

Startled, he stood there, the strange woman in his arms. He then felt their heart beats morph into one, as if their souls had united.

He carried her to the couch and laid her there. He stood back and looked at the motionless figure. She smelled of sea salt, and chemicals. Her clothes were battered and worn, and it was at this time that he noticed she was soaking wet. No wonder, it was storming outside, and he had made her stand there in the rain. He felt like an idiot.

He numbly found himself searching for a blanket for her. He felt his heart beating in his head. What was it about this woman that frightened him so? Something was different about her. Maybe she was insane. Or maybe he was. Was this all a dream?

“I am not human.”

Her voice rang in his head still. He laid the blanket across her and then sat, looking at her, wondering, confused…but suddenly, for the first time that night, not afraid.
Go K-State for North Division!!




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1382
Reviews 237
my edits are in bold

VioletSunrise wrote:Hey this is my first thing to ever post so keep that in mind when you read this! I need the criticism, so please don't be afraid to tell the truth. Thanks!

_________________________________


“I am not human.”

Her words rang in his ears.

“I am not alien.” well, technically...if you don't know what something is, then it's alien. it still wouldn't be perfect but i'd suggest putting "an alien" instead

He still stood at the doorway, the door he had slammed in her face now the only thing he saw through his confused eyes. Everything was a blur. He wasn’t sure if he had been standing here for minutes or hours. He didn’t care. i liked this paragraph once i figured out what it was saying, but i had to read it through twice to get it--your wordings a bit odd in this case

If she wasn’t a human or an alien, then what was she? The image of those eyes still pierced through his memory. Those bright, white eyes… this is a little bit cliche, but i kinda like it

“I am not human.” i really liked how you kept repeating this...added some mystery and a tiny bit of horror to it

She had white hair, but was not aged. She was thin, too thin. too thin?Her image was imprinted on his mind. Something about her made him sympathetic, but still, something about her scared him. Like a magnetic pull, he had slowly shut the door in that pale, white-eyed face. ok, two things about this last sentence: 1. "pull" sounds wrong because he pushed it shut...(but magnetic push doesn't sound right eitehr)...maybe try something else. 2. whoa! no, that's not right...earlier you said he slammed the door--now you say that he slowly shut it. one way or the other here

He slowly fell to his knees, why did he fall his eyes still focused on the door. Had she left? If so, where had she gone?

Suddenly, her voice, that low, mysterious voice, seemed to be speaking to him in his mind.

I am still here, she said, open the door. oooooh

Slowly, he found himself obeying. i think (and i've had this problem before, with the word "quickly") that you're using "slowly" too much--get rid of some or find some synonyms And there she was, in the exact same place as she had been when he closed the door.

She stared at him. It seemed she was waiting for him to speak.

He cleared his throat. “H-hello.”

Her face did not stir. Only her mouth moved when she spoke. “Please, I need a place to stay.” She did not look him in the eye. before, i was under the impression that she was--just above it says she stared at him, so if her face didn't stir she'd still be staring. fix one

He blocked the door with his hand. not blocked the door! that sounds weird, try more like "he blocked the opening" and say "with his arm" instead of with his hand “First things first. Who are you?”

“Who I am does not matter.” She replied, pronouncing every word clearly. “I know who you are. You are Fredrick Michael Banks. You grew up here in Helensville, New Zealand. You are twenty-five years old and own a black boxer named Tiny.” i think that this is too overused--someone you don't know giving all these details. consider editing some of this out...maybe put something different in. but i did like the dog part

Right as she said that, a huge black dog peeked from behind the man. haha, this was kind of funny, but also overused when someone mentions someone or something and the someone or something suddenly appears

His face turned red. “Who on earth are--”

He was cut off when her eyes rolled into her head and she fell on him limply.

Startled, he stood there, the strange woman in his arms. He then felt their heart beats morph into one, as if their souls had united. weird...

He carried her to the couch and laid her there. He stood back and looked at the motionless figure. She smelled of sea salt, and chemicals. interesting choices, they seem random Her clothes were battered and worn, and it was at this time that he noticed she was soaking wet. No wonder, it was storming outside, and he had made her stand there in the rain. He felt like an idiot. oh, so she was standing outside? for some reason i was under the impression that he had an apartment or something (c'mon it's a single, 25 year old guy!!) try clearing that up somewhere earlier in the story

He numbly found himself searching for a blanket for her. He felt his heart beating in his head. his heart beating in his head? that's not the right wording..."he could hear his heartbeat throb through his head What was it about this woman that frightened him so? Something was different about her. Maybe she was insane. Or maybe he was. Was this all a dream?

“I am not human.”

Her voice rang in his head still. He laid the blanket across her and then sat, looking at her, wondering, confused…but suddenly, for the first time that night, not afraid.


i loved the ending, the last paragraph, and i thought that it was a good story. i'd like to read more.

the only thing is that i kind of question the G rating...i'd put it to PG just to be safe. it's a bit frightening. lol. of course, everyone's like 13 and up, so it's not a big deal, but you could change it...

everything else that needs to be said i've already said in bold-

keep writing!

Woz
Go K-State for North Division!!



i don't need to search the stars to know myself
— soundofmind