Clockworks wrote:[pre]I crept to the room slowly,
a hesitant shadow,
his arms outstretched,
beckoning,
a bloody indication,
silent save the occasional gulp,
eyes wide with shock.
I moved toward him calmly,
took a hand in mine,
my eyes locked on his,
he pulled me closer,
wished I could take it away,
he embraced me, tightly,
the blade finished its act.
I gasped for breath,
he held me up,
kept me from falling,
it tore easily,
into my soft flesh,
I was too far gone
to be saved.
No gap left between us,
blade concealed completely,
one last time our lips met,
a kiss that said 'I love you.'
We lived as one,
breathe as one,
die as one.[/pre]
Very... Uh morbid... Though this did have showing rather than telling giving us the idea and showing. It's frightening in some respects as a lot is never understood, you should maybe include that. But truthfully this would be better as a short story as morbid as it is... Overall: You need to read more poetry: Here
Plus take into consideration my suggestion to make this into a short story, because from this you seem a better prose than poet.
Good luck
VSN
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Listening to: Black Eyed Peas - Where Is The Love (2003)
via FoxyTunes
