Accident

[pre]I crept to the room slowly,
a hesitant shadow,
his arms outstretched,
beckoning,
a bloody indication,
silent save the occasional gulp,
eyes wide with shock.

I moved toward him calmly,
took a hand in mine,
my eyes locked on his,
he pulled me closer,
wished I could take it away,
he embraced me, tightly,
the blade finished its act.

I gasped for breath,
he held me up,
kept me from falling,
it tore easily,
into my soft flesh,
I was too far gone
to be saved.

No gap left between us,
blade concealed completely,
one last time our lips met,
a kiss that said 'I love you.'
We lived as one,
breathe as one,
die as one.[/pre]

That was a powerful ending. Or at least to me, it was. The "die as one" was what really got my attention, so great job there. I'm guessing that this is a Tragic Love Story Poem. I like it. ^_^ Keep going!

~Syd

Death with a romantic twist. I guess I got my message through. ^^;

I liked that a lot. Very, very, very demented. The last line really packed the punch. It really emphazied what you were trying get across.

I really have no clue why this guy killed her (and I believe himself). Was it a Romeo and Juilet type thing or something? I just thought it was some psychopath guy who slit girls throat.

Best Wishes
--Kyle

Wow...that was morbid...No offence though! Your doing excelent!

I crept to the room slowly,
a hesitant shadow,
his arms outstretched,
beckoning,
a bloody indication,
silent save the occasional gulp, - Put a comma after silent.
eyes wide with shock.
I moved toward him calmly,
took a hand in mine,
my eyes locked on his,
he pulled me closer,
wished I could take it away, - put 'and i' before wished
he embraced me, tightly, why a comma before tightly?
the blade finished its act. where did this blade come from? where did he put it? what did he do?
I gasped for breath,
he held me up
kept me from falling,
it tore easily,
into my soft flesh,
I was too far gone to be saved.
No gap left between us,
blade concealed completely,
one last time our lips met,
a kiss that said 'I love you.'
We lived as one,breathe as one,
die as one.

... Confusing. I sort of liked it, but looking at your writing skills it looked like you could have done better keep writing

Clockworks-

I liked it. But I must say, it didn't seem to have any sort of rhythm or rhyme that I could locate. It seemed to me the only things that made this a poem was line-breaking and artistic phrasing. I was a bit confused as well, I found it difficult to follow. But those last three lines certainly packed a punch, emotionally. So, you're doing good, and I certainly think you can make this poem better.

DarktoTruth

Clockworks~

Your poem is super excellent! It was well-written and personal, but also a twisted love story. (which is way cool)

It was sad but sort of happy at the end, because it was love. (awwww!)


~Nightfall

Very powerful. Your message came through loud and clear. The part about dying as one gave me chills.

I really like it

I enjoyed reading this poem,
I loved all the details.
And Everything.
[[Heey, I liked this poem!]]
Get the point?
I don't have anything bad to say about it!
10/10!

This was very well written.
The message came accrosed loud and clear and I just loved it
The last line really pulled it all together and packed the punch
I love the tragic love/death mix poems
Keep it up

Awesome poem.

Compelling, moving, sick...beautiful.

I'm not too sure on the structure of your poem...it seems a bit all over the place.

The last verse is powerful. I wasn't expecting it to be like that.

Lovely work. Maybe just get a rhythm happneing that looks a little more stable.

Keep it up.

Peace V

I really enjoyed reading this.
The emotion is shown so clearly which allows the reader a good understanding of everything that's going on.
Well done.

Wow! It gave me chills. But I think there was the TEENIEST grammar mistakes at the end.
"Breathed as one. Died as one." I think if there was a "lived" then it would make more sense to do the same to the last two lines.
Otherwise, it was a bit unsettling in a way but then I understood the message.