Magitech;Tales of Vlora

I almost completely remade this chapter
but i didn't think it was need for me to make a whole other thread so
here it is
hope it's better!!


[pre]Magitech
Tales of Vlora
Chapter 1
Vlora


Vlora raced down the large chrome corridor, avoiding crowds of civilians, knocking them over as she passed. Bullets zooming past her body hit many civilians send them hurtling to the ground. She made a sharp turn to the corner on her right dodging a barrage of bullets. What awaited her around the corner surprised her, 10 soldiers stood in her way. She was trapped, soldiers on both sides. She heard footsteps fading away. The men who were following her must have fled.
“Don’t fire until I give the signal,” said an armed soldier who stood with his men.

Her mind filled with thoughts, emotions. Was it fear, excitement, lust for blood. Vlora knew what it was; the will to survive is was she felt. Vlora quickly put her left hand over her right wrist. A gem glowed in her hand and symbol appeared above her wrist. The symbol spun around in a circle, faster and faster. A bright light emitted from the symbol, she moved her hand forward down her hand and into the air. A pistol appeared in her hand. She wrapped her hands around the silver gun and smirked.
“Fire at will men!”

Dozens of bullets flew at her. Taking notice she quickly put her left hand in front of her. The same symbol from before was like shield in front of her. Bullets smashed into it, cause no harm to the shield or Vlora.

“Now I will show you the true power of Magitech!” Vlora screamed.

“You, go!” The general yelled at one of the soldiers. He charged Vlora with full force. A lust gleamed in her eyes, she was ready to kill. She quickly bent down and put the gun on the ground. Quickly she swiped her hands over both her feet. Symbols appeared on the souls of her shoes. Quickly she jumped into a back flip, as soon as her feet lined up with the ceiling she clung to it like a magnet. The soldier who was advancing toward her was now directly below her.

She had managed to grab the gun before clinging to the ceiling; she now had the pistol pointed right at the soldier. She fired three shots threw the man’s head. Blood spilled from the spots of impact and the man fell to the ground.
She jumped from the ceiling, landing on her hands she rolled into a crouch. Standing up with the gun in her hand she said “Who is next”

Everyone attack at will” the general said as he and the remaining 8 men charged her. Vlora ran for the dark grey metal wall on the left side of the corridor. She placed her left hand on it creating a large symbol on the wall. The symbol spun with great furry and glowed red, Vlora took her hand off the symbol and back away from the charging men. The soldiers were inches from the symbol on the wall, suddenly the symbol on the wall exploded with create force.

The first few soldiers were blown back knocking down the others in the process. Vlora stood on the other side of the explosion, her long brown hair blowing from the force of the explosion. The soldiers looked up to see her on the edge of the exploded wall. She waved and smiled as she dived out of the hole. The soldiers quickly stood up and looked out the new hole in the wall. Vlora was seen falling at least 50 stores into the street below. Vlora swiped her hands across her feet once again and forced herself to the side of the building. Careful to not lose momentum she ran the side of the building. Windows smashing seconds after she stepped on them, glass falling to the street below her. Nearly to the bottom she jumped from the building and landed in the concrete alleyway below. She ran down the alleyway and out of the soldier’s sight.

Chapter 2
Shields
Coming Soon…..I Hope[/pre]

By the way here is a spoiler XD

[spoiler]Vlora is part mech-she has a completely mechanical structure in her left arm and the back of her head-Magitech was created my Vlora's father and few can use it corretly.[/spoiler]

Here is the ending of the book spoiler
HUGE SPOILER
PLEASE DO NOT READ!!!

[spoiler]Haha i can't belive you fell for that!!![/spoiler]

Okay here is the real one XD I'd sugjest not reading them for the sake of the book being interesting at all!
heck maybe i'll change the whole ending
you dont know
maybe i am lieing XD

[spoiler]Vlora ends up dieing using a forbidden magitech technic that gives her life to revive Shamon her lover...Sheilds and Zeroun end up killing Etta with the help of Vlora's father! [/spoiler]

Sorry about the poll it wont go away!?!?!

Vlora raced down the chrome narrow hallway, avoiding crows of civilians, bullets zooming past her body

Did any bullets hit the civilians as she past them. I'm pretty sure bein' shot at in a crowd someone else is bound to be shot.

“Now, now, please don’t use such foul language in front of your superior.”

Pretty short chapter but otherwise good. PM Ch 2 and I'll look at it.

*pawprint*
Lethero the Werewolf

Hey there, Derek. I've got a few points for you to consider:

1. Realism

-- Odds against:
One against over twenty? They are pretty bad odds for Vlora, but she doesn't consider that. If she doesn't think about that, then the reader won't; if the reader doesn't care about the odds, they won't care about the character who has to face them. Not good. See if you can improve the realistic-ness of the situation or make Vlora more apprehensive.

-- Movie-like:

She jumped into a flip, time slowed as her body was upside down.

Err, cheesy or what? Is this something that she perceives to happen or does it actually happen? If it's some sort of magic, then please make more of a deal of this. If it's just a perception, get rid of it. It is blatant cheesyness and doesn't lend anything to the pacing. This is a moment of action! You need to make the sentences contribute to it!

-- Detached narrative:
You don't really go into the feelings of your characters much. I have the idea that none of them feel anything; none of them either fear fighting or relish killing. What do they feel? What should I - the reader - be feeling? I don't know because you haven't told me! Try and give your characters some depth through feeling, and it will be easier to relate to them. Readers need to be able to relate to characters.


2. Setting
According to your description, this scene takes place in a chrome hallway that is filled with civilians. It is narrow, but there is still room to do flips, cartwheel, shoot, have over twenty soldiers attack one person, and creep up behind someone. Wow. Pretty impressive stuff. Seriously though, you don't give much description; see if you can rectify this in the next draft. The reader needs to be able to picture the surroundings and you just don't let them do it. You can begin with a paragraph of description, or describe civilians fleeing, or anything. There's so much to describe, take advantage of it and let the reader see what you see!


3. Impact
This is a more technical issue, but it's important. Very important. When you're writing an action scene, the layout of your words is a key issue. You'll notice when reading that when you get to an exciting part the sentences get shorter. This increases the pace of the story and, I suppose, increases the reader's heartbeat ! Basically, you can give your scene more oomph by using shorter sentences and fragments. If you couple this with the feelings of your characters, you might hook the reader a little more .


Conclusion
Ignoring the lack of feeling, I think your story lacked vitality. It seemed a little too detached from the action, probably because you didn't give it a perspective. You said: "Once her bullets were depleted she had to resort to melee combat." which feels unnatural in between good parts like: "No fear was in her; all she knew was death, the face of the one’s who were soon to be dead.". I think you need to give the writing a more human feel by describing it through Vlora. For example:

Yet another soldier came towards her, snarling and cursing. She fired at him, and grimaced as one of the shots hit his shoulder. He reeled and slid to the burnished floor, his eyes never once straying from her. At that moment in time, she was his world: his enemy, his target.

In that, the scene is written from Vlora's point of view. It is still in the 3rd person, but because she is the main part of it all, it lets the reader feel as if they are at Vlora's side and watching the battle. It's a far more interesting experience, but (obviously) my paragraph isn't perfect. Get the idea?

The reader has almost no description of the characters. Again, this issue needs to be addressed for the reader to 'see' the story.

Even so, you have started the story with action, and also with unanswered questions. Both of these are good points, and if you can just bring up the quality of your writing then you'll find it's easier to show off these good points. Also, I think the characters are probably formed in your mind; all you need to do is to transfer that on to the reader.

With work, this could be even better, and I hope you'll work hard on the rewrite of this. Good luck, and if you need anymore advice/help/explanations then feel free to PM me!

Charlie

yeah uh i was kind of indifferent, you did not make me really carre or understand the emotions or thoughts of vlora. you also might want to make her a little less.... well invincible. did she not once get even A scratch. how was she able to do these ninja arial combat moves? since she was blocked off on either side, wouldnt the soldiers shoot each other in a cross fire? if so then why didnt she just close with one side break through with those ninja moves and hightail it outta there?

Okay i understand all of what you saying
i've said this once before
i dont want to give away everything in the first chapter
i wanna leave some mystery with her
as well as why she can do thease moves
how
and why she didn't run away

Derek_Fantasy wrote:Okay i understand all of what you saying
i've said this once before
i dont want to give away everything in the first chapter
i wanna leave some mystery with her
as well as why she can do thease moves
how
and why she didn't run away

Derek, if you have established a sense of realism in this piece, then it is acceptable for some plot or character traits to be explained later on. In this case, the situation was highly unrealistic and as a result, it can't be taken seriously by the reader.

Why not explain these things now? So many questions are popping up in my mind as I read this, but they are not questions that shows that I am interested in your story, but questions that make me question the amount of effort and thought you've placed in this chapter (and there isn't much thought put into this).

Also, if you have thought about your fantasy well, then you wouldn't need to hide the important details from the reader. It seems as if you are hiding away the important details of your fantasy to protect them from criticism.

You might as well show us the reasons as to why your main character can take on 20 vs 1 etc etc. Right now, I really question the direction of this fantasy.

Andy.

P.S: This reminds me of a rip off of the trailers of Final Fantasy XIII and your main character somewhat reminds me of Lightning, but that is another debate which I don't have the attention span and energy to explain about at the moment.

I just wanted to request a quote by quote or document review
if you cant do either of those that is fine
but quote and documents help me improve it better
I would apprecheate it
XD
Thanks

Squallz hit upon the FFXIII trailer note... its like... word for word to action of the trailer. Most people cannot jump and spin in the air, let alone upside-down. That seemed to be a direct rip.

Character has no concern at all and is very detached. Yes, you started with an action scene, but its to abstract and foreign to move this quick. Also the chapter is so short nothing worthwhile happens and nothing is really given to any story other then three tiny pieces of dialog.

Without describing the characters, it seems very unusual dialog and doesn't paint a good picture. What is happening? We know what she's doing, but why? If you don't answer the latter at least give clues. At this point in time it just seems like a gunfight in a futuristic NY for all I care. Be good to your setting and grab the readers attention with substance, not flashy and cheesy script-style action.

Errant wrote:Squallz hit upon the FFXIII trailer note... its like... word for word to action of the trailer. Most people cannot jump and spin in the air, let alone upside-down. That seemed to be a direct rip.

Character has no concern at all and is very detached. Yes, you started with an action scene, but its to abstract and foreign to move this quick. Also the chapter is so short nothing worthwhile happens and nothing is really given to any story other then three tiny pieces of dialog.

Without describing the characters, it seems very unusual dialog and doesn't paint a good picture. What is happening? We know what she's doing, but why? If you don't answer the latter at least give clues. At this point in time it just seems like a gunfight in a futuristic NY for all I care. Be good to your setting and grab the readers attention with substance, not flashy and cheesy script-style action.

I've never seen the trailers for it so it's not a rip
i and re-writing it now and it will explain how she can do it
and its diffrent from they way Lighting does it
So ya

You can say different, but they way it was handled was exactly like any generic super soldier, but I swear I just had to watch the trailer again, even the time slowing part matches in sync with much of the moves you describe. Aside from the fact those moves are impractical and would get you killed instantly, it really detracts from any belief at all.

Admit it, you wrote this like a video game or a movie. You even broke the 4th dimension in doing so. You sentence structure is weak, your descriptions are poor at best and really a poor presentation.

Just to note some key weak points.

"Oma laughed aloud. Vlora struggled to escape from the large man."

No. Just no.

"At least 20 soldiers stood in her way. Her only choice was to fight. Enemy’s on both sides, all was quiet. Vlora slowly placed her hands on her holster. She wrapped her hands around the trigger."

Nice try with tension building, but its just sentence for action no emotion and you tell us everything.

" She leaped into the air; she twisted her body and slammed her foot into one of the soldiers head. His neck cracked and his head turned completely sideways. Landing, she quickly turned to the next soldier. Putting her hand into a point she smashed it threw the soldiers heart. Her hand logged inside his body she threw his body into two other soldiers. Her hand came out of his body, covered in blood. "

Rewrite entirely.

"A muscular arm wrapped around her neck, she was lifted from the ground. She grabbed the man’s arm and pulled on it to loosen the grip on her neck. With no luck her strength had run out. She had lost. The strange man walked her over to a large vehicle. She faced a man, covered in armor."

Blood choke would render her unconscious in as little as five seconds. She'd be dead in moments from that point. Consider describing and maybe not having her in one of the most lethal holds possible. If the guy could pick her up by the neck her blood going to her brain would be immediately cut. Instead of suffocation which takes a long time and a lot of pressure, you could do less then squeezing an orange to kill a person with that hold.

Your action scenes need a huge amount of work and the rest of the story, it is not complete or even fleshed out, it seems like an outline rather then a first draft.

She is not a genatic super soldier
she use's Magitech
which is technoly that has advance so far that a form a magic was created i will explain it in the re-make of this chapter "if" i even post it

The slowing down time-she was actually slowing down time
it was a figure of speak to increase suspense
there is logical perfect explaination to everything she does
i will no longer take the advice given to me on this webiste
why
because people dont realize i have a writing style i go by
i always get the same critque's
about my unique writing style


I dont want to explain magitech is such great detail
whats the point for the rest of the book for if i explain it all in chapter one
Why and how she moves and does thease things revolves around te major storyline
i leak information that must be puzzeled together
to make the reader think

Derek_Fantasy wrote:Magitech
The Tales of Vlora
Chapter 1
Vlora


Vlora raced down the chrome narrow Switchy switchy. Make it "narrow, chrome" and don't forget the comma! hallway, avoiding crows That's 'crowds', not 'crows'. of civilians, And no one gets hurt? bullets zooming past her body. She's pretty lucky to never be hit, isn't she? She made a sharp turn right dodging a barrage of bullets. That's one sharp turn... What awaited her around the corner surprised not only her but her pursuers as well. You never told us she went around a corner, you should tell us about her going around a corner before you describe what's around it. I suppose the sharp turn right was supposed to be the corner, but you forgot to mention there was a corner. At least 20 soldiers stood in her way. Her only choice was to fight. This is an awkward way of putting it, I'd suggest saying "She was trapped." or something. Enemy’s It's "Enemies". on both sides, all was quiet. Why is all quiet? With armed maniacs everywhere, one would assume there'd be gunshots ringing out. Vlora slowly placed her hands on her holster. She wrapped her hands around the trigger. Dozens of enemies monitoring her and no one notices this? Why doesn't she just do it quickly, like in the next sentence?

Quickly she pulled her guns from her holster. You need to add a comma here, make it "Quickly, she". She jumped into a flip, time slowed as her body was upside down. Oh, please. This is straight from the Matrix and many many other cliched action movies. She fired at both sides taking out multiple enemies. Her landing was perfect, and her shots continued. She was charged two soldiers, the first holding a plasma sword. Charged? Like, soldiers are currency, and she was charged two? What did she buy? Mayhaps you meant "charged at by"... The bright blue sword slashed at her head. Vlora cart wheeled to the left, That's "cartwheeled", no space, all one word. and counterattacked with a swift kick to his legs. He fell to the ground; his plasma sword flew into the air. Semicolon doesn't seem right here...


The second soldier rushed Vlora. Taking the opportunity she jumped into the air and grabbed the plasma sword. There isn't any sudden opportunity here, just same old fighting. I'd suggest removing "taking the opportunity". She focused on the soldier running her way. Still in the air she slashed the plasma sword threw the oncoming soldier. That's "through", not "threw". Through is to go into something. Threw is to throw something in the past tense. Blood and guts spewed from the soldier’s side. For a second his body stood still, and then the body flopped to the floor, landing on top of the other soldier. That kinda defies Newton's Three Laws... pretty sure if something smashes that hard into a body, it isn't just going to stay still.


More soldiers rushed her, she fired her guns recklessly. Missing with every shot they got closer. For one, you need to reword this. You're basically saying that they're the ones who are missing, not her. Second, she shows second-to-none dodging skills, aiming skills, strength, speed, and overall fighting ability, and now suddenly she's a complete newbie? Once her bullets were depleted she had to resort to melee combat. Six soldiers surrounded her; she had no idea as to how she would escape. Simple, slow down time again, conk two on the head with the guns, crotch kicks all around, general fighting, and she's out. No fear was in her; all she knew was death, the face of the one’s who were soon to be dead. That would be her who's about to be dead, and it's "ones", not "one's". The picture of the deceased bloody body’s gleamed in her eyes. Bodies, not body's.


She leaped into the air; she twisted her body and slammed her foot into one of the soldiers head. Get rid of that second "she", and replace the semicolon with a comma. His neck cracked and his head turned completely sideways. Ohhh, that's dramatic. It turned sideways. OMG. Or not, considering I can do that literally in my sleep, when I'm shifting around to get into a more comfortable position. Try "his head turned until it was facing backwards, a crack sounding." or something. If your head only turns 90 degrees, or sideways, it won't hurt at all. Try it. However, if you turn it 180 degrees, or so that it's facing backwards, THAT hurts. Landing, she quickly turned to the next soldier. Putting her hand into a point she smashed it threw the soldiers heart. As I said before, through, not threw. Her hand logged inside his body she threw his body into two other soldiers. I think you mean "locked". Also, add a comma between "body" and "she", and put an "and" before "she". Her hand came out of his body, covered in blood.

This entire paragraph above is contradictory. What happened to her complete pathetic uselessness? In that turn, what happened to her awesome kickbuttness? You seem to be switching back and forth randomly.


Two soldiers remained. They rushed her, both having plasma swords. She readied herself in a stiff stance. She took a running start and dived feet first to the soldiers. You should probably change "to" to "towards", as "the soldiers" aren't some unmoving, nonliving goal. To her surprise the soldiers flipped over her. Her foot smashed into the titanium wall. Titanium? Titanium, as it happens, is one of the strongest metals in existence, relatively expensive, and thus not usually used for walls in public areas that aren't meant to be attacked. This titanium thing makes it sound like they're fighting in a battle arena, not a civilian alleyway. I know this is sci-fi, but still, use steel or something. Titanium isn't realistic. A muscular arm wrapped around her neck, she was lifted from the ground. That's awkward grammar, replace the comma with "and". She grabbed the man’s arm and pulled on it to loosen the grip on her neck. With no luck her strength had run out. Huh? I think you mean "loosen the grip on her neck, but with no luck. Her strength had run". Actually, I'd suggest scrapping "With no luck" altogether and find something else, like "but to no avail." "With no luck" sounds weird. She had lost. The strange man walked her over to a large vehicle. She faced a man, covered in armor. Covered? Suits of armor aren't exactly blankets, lol. Try "plated".
“
Oma!” Vlora screamed. Just why is there a paragraph between the quotation mark and her dialogue?

“Ah, Hello Vlora, it’s been a while,” Oma grinned For one thing, grinning is not a way of speaking, so get rid of that comma after "while" and replace it with a period. Speaking of periods, you forgot to add one after "grinned", do so.

“Bastard!” She screamed again. Again? This is the first time she's said that sentence. Make it "she screamed", no "again". Also, don't capitalize "she". When the part used to describe who is talking and how is used, you don't capitalize it because it's technically still part of the same sentence. However, if there's an action that isn't to do with how she says it, capitalize it, such as ""Blahblahblah!" She bounced." But then ""Blahblahblah!" she said," because it's describing what she's doing in conjunction with her speech.

“Now now please don’t use such foul language in front of your superior” Um. Ever heard of looking something over before you post it? This has too many grammar errors to not have been seen if you had gave it a checkover, thusly you probably didn't. Please do so in the future, here's the fixed version: “Now, now, please don’t use such foul language in front of your superior.” Also, you forgot to say who was talking. Since Vlora was the last to give speech, grammatically Vlora is the one saying this. Add something about Oma saying this, unless it really is Vlora, which I doubt.

Oma laughed aloud. Vlora struggled to escape from the large man. Now, this sounds like one of those devilishly hard riddles. You know, like: A man screams. A bell rings. What happened? Or, Oma laughed aloud. Vlora struggled to escape from the large man. What happened? Try describing it differently, this just sounds ridiculous, and get rid of "aloud".

“Where the hell is he!” Her voice cracked as she started to cry. This is the one sentence I don't have much of anything to complain about. Good job on this one, I suppose. The wording is a bit awkward, though.

“Oh you’ll meet him soon enough” Oma signaled with his hands. Comma between "Oh" and "you'll", and period between "enough" and the quotation mark. The large man moved Vlora into the flying vehicle. He sat her inside making sure to put handcuffs on her before so. That sentence is veeeery awkward. At least put a comma between "inside" and "making". Definitely one that needs to be reworded. Vlora struggled and jumped from the vehicle. She ran frantically to get away. Suddenly Oma appeared in front of her. Appeared? He was right there already! Think about it... he was next to the vehicle, she gets put in it, goes out, it follows he'll be right next to her. Scratch that entire last sentence, it'll work fine without it.

“I grow tired of this!” Oma yelled and his hand came down the dip of her
shoulder. Vlora was knocked unconscious. Her body limped to the ground. Oma grabbed her arm and dragged her to the vehicle. Bad ending. You continue on for two sentences after the person who we are seeing the story through is knocked unconscious, and pardon me if I'm wrong, but isn't it kinda hard for people to see those sorts of things while unconscious?

Coming Soon….
Chapter 2
Shields

This has far too much unexplained, and NOT, repeat NOT in the good, mysterious way. How does she have these powers, and why her alone? Who is "he"? This "he" thing especially annoyed me. You expect me to have sympathy for her if we don't even know who she's crying out about? All of a sudden she's just talking about this supposed hostage and breaking down suddenly, it's very annoying and makes no sense.

I would suggest adding a prologue, similiar to what you just posted above but go in to more detail. How Magitech was invented, how she got the Magitech powers, why she is being chased, who the person she started crying about is, and how he got kidnapped.

This is not your unique writing style, I hate to say. This is a common mistake made by beginners. Only, there are two types of beginners, the ones who can suck up their pride and take the criticism, which will make their writing infinitely better, and those who think it's just a "different writing style that everyone here is too airheaded to understand".

I also think it's a bit rude that you said you were going to "no longer accept criticism" when you knew I was working on a critique for you.

~Aet

now that people mention this i see this as a cliche of the matrix and aero flux. primarily aeroflux. i hope you will explain in detail how tech. can create an entirly knew form of energy...perhaps nano techknowledgy actually being developed to day could be used...a "smart textile" that is stronger than mussle fibers and contracts and retracts with movment of wearers mussles. essentually a second skin that enhances strength. i saw a special on the military channel