Beer Stains

Author's Note: This is a submission to Azila's POV contest going on right now, and it's also my first submission to the community. It's from the viewpoint of a rather unfortunate coffee table.


Beer Stains

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Not the feet, not the feet…!

Oh good grief, it’s the feet. It happens every time. Couldn’t he just put his feet up on the couch or something? He’s got everything else up there. Well, except the refrigerator itself. But he does have pretty much everything from it.

He’s wearing those socks again; the charcoal colored ones that have found every form of bacteria that lurks on the ground. Today, they even have some cheese residue hugging at the heel. This day is getting pretty close to unbearable, but last year’s Super Bowl party will be tough to beat. Beer spilling everywhere, all over my polished mahogany face. Don’t even get me started on the triple coated buffalo hot wings. I just got over those nightmares, thank you very much.

Mahogany isn’t supposed to be treated like some thrift store coffee table, you know.

Eh, like he’ll ever figure that out. This is the man who would rather spend over twenty minutes looking for his expensive remote but will torture himself with stale potato chips if he left the new bag all the way in his truck.

He grunts and decides to abruptly drag me closer to the couch. I hear him grumble something about not being able to reach his beer and sunflower seeds. His fingers just barely miss the hardened gum underneath my surface, a little memento left by his nephew a few weeks back.

Oddly enough, it makes me wish his sister and her little rugrat visit, actually. The kid may like to run his Hot Wheels all over my face a few too many times (I’ve got the scratches to prove it) but at least his sister forces him to use a coaster. Such a sweet woman, trying to preserve what’s left of my dignity. It might be because I was her birthday gift to him, but the way she disapproves of all the stains on me makes my legs want to take me all the way to her house.

I bet all my old store roommates have found themselves good owners like her. They probably only have to bear the easy burden of flower vases and the occasional wine glass. I would love to imagine the sheer heaven that would be the weight of doilies, but Couch Potato of the Year’s belches keep my dreams chained and buried.

At this point, I’ve given up every hope that he’ll get his lard-injected bum out of the house and get a life.

The doorbell rings. He gets up and I waste no time in soaking in the sweet relief that comes with the absence of fungus ridden feet. But if it turns out to be the pizza man again then you might as well call in the wood chipper.

But could it be…?

It is, it is! A merciful and beautiful visit by his goddess sister. Even better news? She left the brat at home.

Coasters, here I come.

... I admit it, openly and freely.

I've no criticism whatsoever. I've no long an inspired ramblings about grammar or tense or syntax. I've nothing to do but be absolutely useless and inform you that this was wonderful, through and through. I didn't find a single typo, a single lapse; it was well paced, well written; engaging, cute and energetic. In other words, a thorough pleasure to read, and one heck of a literary first impression.

I wish you the best of luck in the contest, Marionette - though, with an entry like that, I sincerely doubt that you'll be needing it. ^_^

Well done to the highest degree, my friend.

I've no criticism whatsoever. I've no long an inspired ramblings about grammar or tense or syntax. I've nothing to do but be absolutely useless and inform you that this was wonderful, through and through. I didn't find a single typo, a single lapse; it was well paced, well written; engaging, cute and energetic. In other words, a thorough pleasure to read, and one heck of a literary first impression.

I agree with Dream Deep about everything here - perfect. But Azila's contest is for entries written from an animal's point of view...

Ayra wrote:But Azila's contest is for entries written from an animal's point of view...

No it's not. It's an animal OR an inanimate object.

Anyway, I like the piece! But as the judge, I won't say anymore.
~Azila~

Oh! Terribly sorry about that. Now, how about I try to give you a better critique?

This is excellent as it is, but I noticed that the whole thing is kind of...rambly? I don't know. It's kind of all the coffee table complaining, which is fine, but what is the man doing for this whole time? You mention him adjusting his feet 'n all, but I'd like more. For example, what is he watching on TV? What is he doing while the table is talking (or thinking) about his sister and nephew? You know?

As for the mood, I love it. It's complaining, sure, but it's humourous and fun to read. Heck, my outlook on coffee tables will never be the same.

Cheers for a great piece,
Camille

This is excellent for a first post. You should definitely be proud of it. I also submitted to Azila's contest, but I think is a nice piece.

I like the tone of the table. It gives comedy to what might be an otherwise boring plot. I think your syntax and word choice are fine. I really only have two things to criticize.

It might be because I was her birthday gift to him, but the way she disapproves of all the stains on me makes my legs want to take me all the way to her house.

I find the last part of this sentence to be, just, not in sync with the rest of the work. I think it's the use of "makes my legs", it just strikes me as out of rhythm. Oh well.

Second is that I think the title should be "Coasters" instead of "Beer Stains". You only mention beer stains once, but coasters is a reoccurring theme and relief to the table.

It's very good, and I wish you good luck.

I honestly enjoyed this piece very much. You might have been able to end it on a more climatic note, however the table had a very distinct personality- I love the sort of snotty mahogany feel. This would be a fun piece for you to expand upon, I mean, the possibilities are endless, and I would like to hear more about the owner. Is he just a slob? Is he overworked? Essentially why does he treat his table so?

*begin rant*
Ahaha, you don't even know how much I love this!
So good!
I don't know.. it just made me laugh hysterically for some reason.
And, there were no obvious (the only ones I notice) mistakes.
So, awesome.
High five.
You rock.
Great first picece.
=]
*end rant*

Thank you all for the reviews and helpful critiques~ You all made me one very happy gal reading them.

I'll be sure to take your advice into mind for future pieces.

Hi there, Marionette!

I don't know if you've read my post yet, but you won 3rd place. Congratulations!

Nitpicks first:

Couldn’t he just put his feet up on the couch or something? He’s got everything else up there.

Hmm... this makes it seem like everything is up on the couch, but I think you mean that everything is up on the TABLE, am I right? If so, maybe yo should make this: "...He’s got everything else up HERE."

Don’t even get me started on the triple coated buffalo hot wings. I just got over those nightmares, thank you very much.

Haha! This line is awesome.

Eh, like he’ll ever figure that out. This is the man who would rather spend over twenty minutes looking for his expensive remote but will torture himself with stale potato chips if he left the new bag all the way in his truck.

Sentence #1>>This is a little strange... maybe try: "Not like he'll ever figure that out."
Sentence #2>> if you say "rather," there needs to be a "than"... (He would rather [do something] THAN [do something else]) Therefore, I suggest you change this.

Oddly enough, it makes me wish his sister and her little rugrat visit, actually.

This should be, "Oddly enough, it makes me wish his sister and her little rugrat WOULD visit, actually." ...and I'm not sure I like the "actually" maybe you should delete it?
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Overall, I actually liked the rambliness of it. The table is so utterly hilarious! The only negative things I can find is that the ending is a little abrupt--and there really isn't much description. What does the room look like? What does it SMELL like?

I hope this helps--and congrats about the contest!
~Azila~

P.S. Can you PM me about the other two things you want me to crit?

Ok.... One sec......

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!......
~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm Composed now.

Very nice! *Stares at table in the corner suspiciously and wonders what it might be saying about me behind my back*

Couldn’t he just put his feet up on the couch or something? He’s got everything else up there. Well, except the refrigerator itself. But he does have pretty much everything from it.

I disagree with Azila here. I thin kyou should leave it. (I'm assuming that you meant for him to have everything else on the couch, not the table.)

I bet all my old store roommates have found themselves good owners like her. They probably only have to bear the easy burden of flower vases and the occasional wine glass. I would love to imagine the sheer heaven that would be the weight of doilies, but Couch Potato of the Year’s belches keep my dreams chained and buried.

Poor little table. XD

couch. I hear him grumble something about not being able to reach his beer and sunflower seeds. His fingers just barely miss the hardened gum underneath my surface, a little memento left by his nephew a few weeks back.

Beer... Maybe.. Buffalo hot wings? possibly. But sunflower seeds don'r really seem to fit his personality.

At this point, I’ve given up every hope that he’ll get his lard-injected bum out of the house and

EEEEW!

But could it be…?

It is, it is! A merciful and beautiful visit by his goddess sister. Even better news? She left the brat at home.

Coasters, here I come.

Haha! Nice ending... but it feels like something's missing.


Overall:

Amazing work! this contest was super-difficult to judge. Congratulations on getting 3rd!

See ya!

~Lupis