Dewdrops and a sunrise.

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This is my first post here, so obviously I'm not exactly in tune with the usual forum etiquette that pervades through most of the message boards I've visited before online. Usually I write fiction rather than poetry, and this is the first occasion that I've written a serious piece of poetry for quite some time. It probably needs some fine tuning and I would really appreciate some feedback on it, and I hope this is the place to get it. Anyway, here it is...

Featherweight tracing paper and threads of darkness,

Bright compositions in the reflection of a sunset,

Speckled in erethreal dust, like silver fireflies,

And little lights going out and on, one by one by one,

Like a mercury wave breaking in a lunar sea,

It bleeds and splits betwixt the horizon, beneath it and under it and over it,

In a half-light spectrum, on a spectral sky of black and white,

And amber hues painted into a monotone canvas,

Etching their subtleties into every blade of ebony white grass,

I push my feet between them, and feel the frost break and melt through my toes,

Like liquid sand,

Becoming pane glass on living shores.




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Hi J. Welcome! Let me start by saying that your imagery is really beautiful. I think that the beginning could be tightend up a bit. Please excuse me for playing with this a little, it will help me articulate my views.

"Featherweight tracing paper and threads of darkness,

Bright compositions in the reflection of a sunset,

Speckled in erethreal dust, like silver fireflies,"

Ok, I think you could add another sentence to the end of this to help contextualise as all you have here is one long (but beautiful) description and I'm not really sure what your talking about. Then I'd try:

"Little lights go out, one by one by one, (think this sounds a little better)
Like a mercury wave breaking in a lunar sea."
(This is magical, by the way. I'd add a full stop at this point, as I think you need some. If nothing else, think of how breathless you'd be if you tried to read this aloud!)

I like the next line, and your language is beautiful. I think I'd cut the "and"s, as I'm not sure you need them, and replace them with commas.

I'd change "spectral" as it's too close to "spectrum", and it also reads a little clumsily.
I think;
"Etching their subtleties into every blade of ebony white grass" is too long a sentence, and it disturbs your rhythm.Also "abony white' is a little odd. Maybe try"into every grass blade."

I'd put "and feel the frost...toes" on a line of its own, and I'd try "paned glass" or "panes of glass" or "glass panes" instead of "pane glass."

This was a lovely piece and your use of imagery is brilliant. I look forward to reading more of your work. Hope this helps!
"Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise."
-Maya Angelou




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sure is a dreamy picture you gave there. Your vocabulary is very rich and that's one thing I'm impressed about. Sorry if I can't give any feedback though, I'm still too much of an amateur myself :P

however, I enjoyed reading your work very much!
Don't run too far, you'll have to turn around again... ;)




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I do agree that it could be tightened up a little at the beginning, but the imagery is beautiful.
My imaginary friend Jerry thinks I'm insane. I told him that would only be true if I believed he was real. All having an imaginary friend makes me is a bored college student with too much time on her hands.



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