Whose footsteps?

I'm not really sure if this is the right place for this but... This is something I wrote a few years ago, originally it was a short song, It's not very good but I felt like posting something, so here you go.



Who made these footsteps in the sand?
Only to be washed away by sea
Who made these footsteps in the sand?
I'd like to follow them and see

Now two sets of footsteps mark the sand
Only to be washed away by sea
One set was made by Who
And the other set was made by me
Only to be washed away by sea.
Only to be washed away by sea...

I like this one, it has some imagery, but I think it would be better if you've used some metaphors.

Anyway, keep up the work. (Don't really trust what I say, I'm no good with criticizing...)

its a nice start. but i think you should make it longer, so that we get to see and understand more of what you're trying to capture. Having just two short stanzas like that leave the readers hanging and i still don't really know what you are trying to say here..
but its a really good beginning. i can imagine it being the beginning of a song. =)
- jazii

It has a really good rhythm to it. Something that would nice for spoken word or lyrics. And it certainly makes you think, doesn't it?

It's short but to the point and I like that you left it open like that. It allows the reader to draw their own conclusion as to what the poem really means.

Good use of symbolism too, wether it was intended or not.

If you're going to capitilize 'Who' you should capitilize 'me'. Although you could de-capitilize 'Who', in the second stanza, and you'd be good. And if you're going to add an ellipsis to the last line add it to the second last line as well -- or just remove it entirely -- again this is just to make the poem look neater.

Thanks for the comments everyone. I wasn't really planning to do anything with this one but its still nice to know what people think. You all have some really good suggestions, thanks!

This was cute. I'd change the punctuation in the first stanza to:

"Who made these footsteps in the sand,
Soon to be washed away by the sea?" (Think the slight alteration here sounds a little better. You could use "doomed" instead of "soon" also.) I'd also put a full stop after "see."

I'd change the fourth line of the second stanza to "and the other made by me." as it works better with the rhythm.

I'd cut "Only to be washed..." out of that verse altogther. I think you could expand on this, and I'd tighten your conclusion, maybe with a rhyming couplet.

I'd try to vary the words which you use in this poem, as it makes it more interesting for the reader. This was a nice piece, but I think that it would benefit from some expansion and some more vivid imagery, and also from a greater variety of words. Maybe try this without rhyme. I think it will free you.

Hope this helps.
Jas

well it started off like it could go into deep sentimental stuff then left me hanging at the end with out a complete thought

You have great rhythm and literary insight, but I agree with some of the other people who have commented- I want more! You have such a good thread of thought going on here that I think you could do more with it rather easily. Good Luck!

Thanks for the comments everyone! Perhaps I will add more...

I really liked this! It provides excellent imagery and you have a smoothe flow that keeps your readers wanting more. (hint hint, nudge nudge. lol) Looking forward to the rest of your poems! Job very well done.

~*Syd*~

I liked it, but I didn't really understand it really. It was kind of confusing...
Well, it just might be me. XD

my edits in bold

1dering at stars wrote:I'm not really sure if this is the right place for this but... This is something I wrote a few years ago, originally it was a short song, It's not very good but I felt like posting something, so here you go.



Who made these footsteps in the sand?
Only to be washed away by sea
Who made these footsteps in the sand?
I'd like to follow them and see I think that if you're using this in writing, it's better, but if this would be a song...I just don't think that "Sea" and "see" go that well together, since they sound the same. I know you said you weren't planning on doing anything with it, but that's just my thought. Other than that... I really liked this part. And I thought that your repeating of the first line made for a nice rhythm.

Now two sets of footsteps mark the sand
Only to be washed away by sea I agree with... I can't remember who said this, but someone said you could get rid of this verse, and I think that it would flow better without it.
One set was made by Who This kind of confused me, when you have the capitalized "who". I don't know how to change it, but you could try "One set was made by--who?--
and the other made by me". I don't know, but I think that that would make more sense, because this is what really confused me. Also, does it need to be capitalized?? Since it isn't actually a name, i wouldn't cap it.
And the other set was made by me Get rid of "made by", it flows better and I think that it's kind of repetitive like this.
Only to be washed away by sea.
Only to be washed away by sea... i don't know what I'd do with these verses, but I think that it's the "Only", that's awkward. In fact, in the second line, you might just want to get rid of the "only". Again, I know you said you didn't know if you'd do anything with it, but if you did....

Overall, I really like it. A nice, simple, easy to read piece of work that tells a story in few words, and is fun to read. Your rhythm is off, though....

I guess I'll try this...here's the poem according to the edits by Teh Wozzinator:

Who made these footsteps in the sand?
Only to be washed away by sea
Who made these footsteps in the sand?
I'd like to follow them and see (??? maybe change this....<<that [and this] aren't part of the poem!! lol)

Now two sets of footsteps mark the sand
One set was made by--who?--
And the other made by me.
Only to be washed away by sea,
To be washed away by sea....

Do whatever you feel like doing, this is my opinion, so you don't have to listen to me if you don't want to... especially if you weren't planning on editing it anyways.

Again, I really liked it, nice rhythm, so keep writing, and I'll keep reading!!!!!!

Teh Wozzinator

It seems a lot like a verse out of a song or something. I loved the beginning, but I think it got a little....um....*searching for words*....it lacked flow at the end. It seemed to get a little messy.

1dering at stars wrote:Now two sets of footsteps mark the sand
Only to be washed away by sea
One set was made by Who
And the other set by me
Only to be washed away by sea.
Only to be washed away by sea...

It seems as if it needs more syllables. Or less, as I just realized/demonstrated. If you take out a few words, I think the flow gets a lot better.

MERRY WRITING

~Bella~

I really liked this, and you should definately keep working on it. It would help if you made it longer, to add more to the thoughts you have here, and add more thoughts. I'd probably add more metaphors.

1dering at stars wrote:Who made these footsteps in the sand?
Only to be washed away by sea

I would change the punctuation there to: 'Who made these footstepts in the sand,
Only to be washed away by sea?'

Maybe if you make it longer, depending on how long you make it, you could make your second verse here into a kind of a refrain, with little changes in it each time to reflect the verses before it. That's how it struck me when I read it, as a refrain.

~adna