Art Rivaly Pt.1(edited)

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Hello! This is just a short story i wrote from inspriation. I don't think I'll be continuing it though. But still please critique and give me your thoughts and opinions!! Thanks!!

~chayonz
p.s. i was thinking of moving this to the romantic fiction section. any ideas how to do that? :wink:
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The yellow soaked brush tip glided across the rough canvas. I tilted my head to the side to get a better view of the faint pencil lines. My wrist moved with the motion of the brush, every stroke, every line moved smoothly and diligently across the canvas.

I pressed harder and then slightly lifted as i made a strong curve which became the luminescent light reflecting on the hindquarters. Not to bright, not to dark, perfect. I smiled at the artwork. This one was my best yet.

Suddenly I yelped and jumped at the sound of a slammed door, slammed open to be precise. And then to my horrific despair I accidentally dropped the paintbrush to the floor, scarring the canvas as it descended.

I watched as if in slow motion, or so it seemed, a bright yellow line growing on my masterpiece and work of art, becoming completely destroyed in the process. I stared in absolute shock at the long yellow line which seemed to slash the black horse in two.

Shit.

Raged, I twisted around in an instant towards the accused intruder.

“What the hell?!” I snarled. The intruder, to be exact, was none other than Ron Florings, the one I least expected, nonetheless wanted to see. He looked startled at my sudden outburst, but Ron Florings was always known for his talent in acting. A black loose Jansport bag hung from one shoulder and a white blank canvas was tucked beneath the other.

“What? What for?” he asked in as if he had been unjustly blamed. His voice said sincere confusion, his grey eyes said otherwise.

“You know damn well what for.” I shot at him, glaring, and hoping that by some supernatural luck, my eyes would shoot red laser beams at him, permanently destroying that face of mockery.

Slowly I saw his features change from honest sincerity to downright ridicule. He gave me a small smirk and continued walking towards one of the many spare seats in the room. He set his canvas down on the easel and dropped his bag to the floor.

“You’re not even sorry?!” I cried out loud, looking at him from over my canvas, amazed that he could have a clear conscience after what he did, well maybe not amazed for it was a known fact that he chose to ignore it regularly, but I was frustrated beyond words.

“Sorry for what? Entering a door?” he laughed. “Oh, should I give you a minutes notice before and crawl under the door as not to slam it and that’s only if I could even by any chance get your permission?” His eyes weren’t on me, obviously he thought that this argument wasn’t worth his time which his sarcastic tone clearly implied.

“Did you even see what happened to my work?” I screamed, now on my feet and waving my arms around wildly. “Do you have any idea how long it has taken me to paint this?!” I twisted my stand around to present to him the devastation to my piece. Yet he remained unchanged at the sight of my severed horse.

“So are you saying that it is my fault that you have nerves of a damn rabbit?” he scoffed.

On normal terms I would’ve just let something like this pass, I’d still be annoyed obviously, but I would’ve forgiven that person as long as it was an accident, but Ron Florings was no accident and neither were his actions. Its common knowledge to every artist that an art room is a reverent place of peace and quiet and not one in which you should go banging about in.

I also knew that he was perfectly aware that I was here for every time a student enters the art room, signing a sheet of entry was mandatory. His name would’ve been right under mine for no one else had come in or signed on for the room was empty except for me.

There was no way that he could’ve missed it. And this was besides the fact that his arrogant behavior obviously showed that his actions were full of purpose.

“You did that on purpose you piece of…” I was too frustrated to finish my sentence. I growled and let out a cry of frustration. At this very moment I would’ve been more than happy to walk over to him and wipe that smirk right off his face, but I knew that nothing else would change his attitude. So all I did was clench my teeth, grab my supplies, and stomp off with my ruined piece. I wasn’t planning on wasting my breath on low life like him.
Last edited by chayonz on Wed Jan 16, 2008 2:06 pm, edited 3 times in total.
h a y o n :)

nobody is perfect. thats why pencils have erasers.
- unknown




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ChayONZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I though this piece was overall very good. You tend to have loaded sentences, and runon sentences too.
Those are easily fixable. :D

The yellow soaked brush tip glided across the rough canvas fabric

The description of the canvas and paint brush can be simplified. For example, you can take out 'fabric' and it would be fine.
Hm.
I think it would be good if she had some sort of internal dialogue where she romanticizes everything she does... and then Ron rudely interrupts. Personally, I think that would be freaking hilarious! :D

I cried out loud, looking at him from over my canvas, amazed that he could have a clear conscience after what he did, well maybe not amazed for it was a known fact that he chose to ignore it regularly, but I was frustrated beyond words

This sentence is WAY too long. Break it up some how. Elipses, a dash, or period would all work :D

Other than that, it was very interesting. I'm curious of what's going to happen next. I get the feeling that she's going to squeeze yellow paint onto his head, but that's probably just me. :D
Just read it out loud to yourself; you'll catch the mistakes. Owen Bytheway, I think it would be great if you continue this :D
:smt035
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson




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Oh, please continue this! I was hooked right until the end! Your descriptions are so clear and simple, I could picture every detail so well. You have a great beginning. Your characters come through so strong and I already get a very vivid picture of their personality.

There are a few places, as mentioned above, that get a little wordy but they can be easily fixed, and other than that, there are no real mistakes except for a few typos:
I aslo knew that he was perfectly aware that I was here for every time a student enters the art room, we would have to sign our name on a sheet including date and time.

"Aslo" should be "Also"
Thats pretty much it...

I also like the tense you wrote this in. Its interesting because its in 1st person but it is past tense. You don't really see that very often, its very unique. Its strange, but I still got the feeling that it was happening at that moment...

Anyways, this is definitely something I would love to continue reading.
Of course it's happening in your mind, but why on earth should that mean it isn't real?




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tx guys. I wasn't really planning on continuing it cuz i dont have any clue what would happen next but if something comes to mind i'll try and see if i can put something together. lol. i might have to end up moving genres. lol. well tx again and i'll be sure to edit it!!

chayonz
h a y o n :)

nobody is perfect. thats why pencils have erasers.
- unknown




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Okay, this is obviously unfinsihed. And if it is, it's not a very good ending. Nothing was resolved, and the reader is left thinging, 'what the hell just happened? Nonetheless it was very good.

I stared in absolute shock at the long yellow line which seemed to slash the black horse in two.

Shit.

Raged, I twisted around in an instant towards the accused intruder.


The whole tone of the story changed after shit, and it can put the reader off. It did me, but I kept reading. I would change the beginning. It's very soft and happy, and then you have a dark undertone.

Alright, usually I would've just let something like this pass, I'd still be annoyed obviously, but I would've forgiven that person as long as it was an accident, but Ron Florings was no accident and neither were his actions.


I didn't like he beginning of this part. It seemed too direct. Plus this is a very long sentence. You should break it off after an accident. You then go on to say that Ron Florings was no accident, this doesn't sound right. It makes it seem as if you know way too much about his personal life.

I hope you continue this because he ending, well... it wasn't much of an ending. This piece was pretty good, but not brilliant.
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*



“Writing fiction is the act of weaving a series of lies to arrive at a greater truth.”
— Khalid Hosseini, Author