Sandprints of Amity

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This is very rough, but I just jotted this down one day in free period. I need some advice about rhythem and rhyme-scheme. I'm not very familiar with writing that way, but I know that poetry is better when it has some type of style to it - rather that just free verse.



Worn footprints
Trace the shore’s edge
Two sets,
Moderately apart,
Water drenched,
Lost among the shells and sand.

The imprints draw closer,
Aware of each other’s existence.
Still they keep their distance,
Inching closer every so often.

Soon they are nearly touching.
The sand is loose here,
Evidence of bank-to-shore races.
They continue on.

The bare feet pack in only hard sand here,
There are no games to be played.
The prints halt and continue,
Halt and continue,
Although audio is missing,
A confrontation is obvious.

The prints reunite again,
Their pattern is different,
The smaller set walks in zigzags
As if a force continues to push them towards
And away from the friend.

The larger pair takes a turn to the right,
Into the crashing ocean,
And the prints are gone.
The companion stops
And turns towards that exit point.
The prints sink deep into the sand
As if the owner stared off into the horizon for days.
Then, accompanied by drag marks,
The footsteps carry on.

Their owner is up ahead,
Past the dunes and driftwood,
Smiling a melancholy smile,
Walking with a tear-covered face.
Last edited by xhalcyonx128 on Sat Jan 19, 2008 11:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Be obscure clearly - E. B. White


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Beautiful choice of words.
It really makes me think,
Its beautiful.
:]
peace love +& respect,
jess♥




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I like this, I enjoy the narrative itself, and like the meaning in it. I don't agree that poetry is better when not in free verse, I think it depends on the poem itself - and I'm a fan of free verse. xD

What I think the problem with this is comes to a lack of description, as odd as that is. We know what is happeneing, and I can see it happening okay, but to pick up the flow, and help with the rhythm I think you might want to plcae some well thought out extras to help it all along. I couldn't tell you what words exactly, though I feel as though I would like a description of the feet, perhaps a small note on how tall, or angry one was, due to the inset, or the pressure of a step.

I feel as though I was reading a detached report, the narrative style set the events away from the reader, placing them at an observant, objective angle, without allowing them to become attached to the implied characters. It is connected to the description, as well, and is part of the cause of the stilted flow.

Your last stanza is perhaps my least liked as it seems as though there is more to come. I think it lacks a conviction that comes with the end of the narrative.

I realise this is very long, and I don't appear to have written anything of purpose. That's mainly because I'm unsure of how to explain how I see the poem. I'm sorry I couldn't really help out with it... but I did like it, quite a bit.

Good luck with this, Pm me if you do anything with it, I'd like to read it.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I like you as an enemy, but I love you as a friend.




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Oooh, very very nice! There wasn't much description in this, but there was enough to make me think. I like how you write; your poems aren't flat-out-tell-all, but they aren't exactly paint-me-a-picture-with-colorful-words either. I don't know... it's like you have deep meanings hidden in your work, which makes your reader have to look beyond what's printed to fully understand. That's probably why I didn't understand the one with the highway signs! XD I was thinking a bit too literally.

Loved it. Great work!

~*Sydney*~
Formerly known as Silly Sydstix... as well as Aquarius Angel.



You can't choose your parentage. But you can choose your legacy.
— Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus