Half-Blood (a.k.a. A Dragon's Story) Chapter 4

Chapter 4
Some Help



I stood up and turned around because the voice had come from behind me. I saw that the woman was finally up. However, I could tell that she was tired because she was leaning against a tree.

“Glad to see your up. My name’s Serj,” I said as I walked to her side.

“My name’s Carrie. Thanks for saving me, Serj,” she said right as we saw the dragon I had been fighting fall out of the sky and crash to the trees below.

“Is there a reason why the dragons are after you?” I asked after a long moment of awkward silence.

“Have you heard of the Emerald Templars?” she responded after she took a sip of water from her cantina.

“I’ve heard of them, but I have no clue what their purpose is,” I responded as I tried finding food.

“They were created when a plague was killing thousands around the Sactar Lake region. They were able to quarantine the plague and stop it from spreading out of the region. After the plague, they were kept to stop anything that might threaten the human race. After nothing happened for centuries, many of the kings thought they were a waist of resources and got them disbanded. However, they left and set up camps in oases of the Redion Desert to the north and the Zelcove Desert to the south. About a decade ago, dragons started attacking from the Kelfar mountain range east of the desert. Ever since, we’ve been at war with dragons. I was heading to the Zelcove Desert to deliver a message that asks for reinforcements, and they don’t want that,” she said. Even though she told me everything I needed to know, I could’ve gone without the history lesson.

“Interesting way to tell me what’s going on. Anyway do you know where we are and where we should go?” I asked her as I handed her back her hand gun.

“Not really, we need to get back to the town and go by the main road, but since the dragons have the town now, I think we should camp here until tomorrow,” she said as she put the gun in her pocket.

“Okay, but I was able to save two villagers and I told them to hide so… I am going to go find them,” I said while I slowly walked backwards away from her.

She nodded, sat next to a tree, and leaned her head against it. I turned around and went into the woods in the direction that the mother and her son had headed. I called for a while before I finally saw the mother walking towards me. Her son was close behind. When they finally got to me, I turned around and went to where Carrie was.

When we got there, Carrie was already asleep. I turned towards the mother and her son and noticed how tired both of them looked.

“I can stay up for days on end so get a good night sleep because we will do a lot of traveling tomorrow,” I said to them. They went to a tree next to Carrie and leaned against it. They fell asleep pretty quickly like Carrie.

My night for the most part was uneventful. However, about half way through the night, thee sky was filled with dragons. I had been leaning against a tree thinking when I had looked at the sky and noticed many dragons flying at a moderate speed. They flew over us, but none seemed to notice anything.

Other than that, nothing really happened. I was deep in thought for most of it. I had been thinking about my late friend David, what I was going to do now, and whether or not I help Carrie and the Emerald Templars.

Soon after the sun rose, Carrie had woken up. I was so deep in thought I hadn’t noticed that she had been staring at me for awhile before asking, “So what happened to your friend?”

I stared at the ground for a moment before I responded, “He sacrificed his life so I could safely get out with you.”

We sat there for a while in silence just staring, me at the ground, and her at me. After a while she asked, “So how do we know if the dragons are going to be waiting there for us?”

“Because I saw them flying away last night,” I responded

“What!? We need to move now!” she said as she jolted up. I got up quickly and went to the mother and her son. I got them up, and after fifteen minutes we were rushing our way to the obliterated town.

oh nice, ha , i didn't see the next chapter was already posted, very nice work, reading next chap next, will this be a novel eventually? i couldn't find anything wrong with it so far.. good work.

This critique has been sitting on my desk for a couple nights already. Best put it up before you hate me.

I stood up and turned around [s]because the voice had come from behind me[/s].

I saw that the woman was finally up. However, I could tell that she was tired because she was leaning against a tree.

The woman was finally awake, but she looked exhausted, leaning against a nearby tree.

“My name’s Carrie. Thanks for saving me, Serj,” she said right as we saw the dragon I had been fighting fall out of the sky and crash to the trees below.

Not sure what you mean.

A heavy silence fell among us. I broke the silence, asking, “Is there a reason why the dragons are after you?” [s]I asked after a long moment of awkward silence.[/s]

This way, we can imagine the silence before you move on with the quote, rather than having to back track. Kind of like a movie.

“I’ve heard of them, but I have no clue what their purpose is,” I [s]responded as I tried finding food[/s] responded, hunting for food.

“They were created when a plague was killing thousands around the Sactar Lake region. [insert tag here] They were able to quarantine the plague and stop it from spreading out of the region. After the plague, they were kept to stop anything that might threaten the human race. [s]After nothing happened for centuries[/s] Nothing happened over the next century, and many of the kings [s]thought[/s] finally decided [s]they[/s] the Emerald Templars were a waist of resources and [s]got them [/s]disbanded them. However, [s]they[/s] the Templars [s]left[/s] escaped [or ran] and [s]set up camps[/s] camped in oases of the Redion Desert to the north, [s]and[/s] or the Zelcove Desert to the south. Then, About a decade ago, dragons started attacking from the Kelfar mountain range east of the desert. Ever since, we’ve been at war with dragons. I was heading to the Zelcove Desert to deliver a message, [s]that asks[/s] asking for reinforcements, [s]and[/s] though they don’t want [s]that[/s] any[?],” [s]she[/s] Carrie said. Even though she told me everything I needed to know, I could’ve gone without the history lesson.

“Interesting way to tell me what’s going on. Anyway do you know where we are and where we should go?” I asked her, [s]as I handed her[/s] handing back her [s]hand gun[/s] handgun.

didn't David have the gun? When he took it in the inn?

“Not really, we need to get back to the town and go by the main road, but since the dragons have the town now, I think we should camp here until tomorrow,” she said, [s]as she put[/s] slipping the gun into her pocket.

“[s]Okay[/s] Alright [sounds better ^^], but I was able to save two villagers and I told them to hide. [s]so… [/s] I [s]am going to[/s] better go find them, now that it's safe,” I said while I slowly walked backwards away from her.

[s]She[/s] Carrie nodded, sat next to a tree, and leaned her head against it. I turned around and [s]went into the woods[/s] and left in the direction that the mother and her son had headed earlier. I called [s]for a while[/s] out for them before I finally saw the mother walking towards me.[use comma instead] Her son was close behind [again, is he a newborn or a toddler...?]. When they finally [s]got to[/s] reached me, I [s]turned around and went[/s] led them to where Carrie [s]was[/s] rested [or slept if she's sleeping].

When we got there, Carrie was already fast asleep. I [s]turned towards[/s] looked at the mother and her son, and noticed how [s]tired both of them looked[/s] exhausted they were as well.

“I can stay up for days [s]on end so get a good night sleep because[/s] straight, but you two get a good night's rest. we will do a lot of traveling tomorrow,” I said to them. [s]They went to a tree next to Carrie and leaned against it. They fell asleep pretty quickly like Carrie. [/s] The mother nodded and led her son to a tree near Carrie.

My night, for the most part, was uneventful. However, about [s]half way[/s] halfway through the night, thee sky was filled with dragons.

[s]I had been leaning against a tree thinking when I had looked at the sky and noticed many dragons flying at a moderate speed.[/s] They flew over us, but none seemed to notice anything.

They soon left, leaving the rest of my night as quiet as it was before.

[s]Other than that, nothing really happened.[/s] I was deep in thought [s]for most of it. I had been thinking[/s] about my late friend David, what I was going to do now, and whether or not I should help Carrie and the Emerald Templars.

Soon after the sun rose, Carrie had woken up. I was so deep in thought, I hadn’t noticed that she had been staring at me [s]for awhile before asking[/s] until she asked, “So what happened to your friend?”

Woah...how'd she know?

I stared at the ground for a moment before I responded, “He sacrificed his life so I could [s]safely get out with you.[/s] get us to safety.”

We sat [s]there for a while[/s] in silence, [s]just staring, me at the ground, and her at me[/s]. After a while, she asked, “So how do we know if the dragons are going to be waiting there for us?”

“What!? We need to move now!” she [s]said as she jolted up[/s] cried, jumping to her feet. I got up quickly and went to the mother and her son. [s]I got them up, and [/s]after fifteen minutes, we were rushing our way to the obliterated town.

No other comments to make, since they've been made up above. Keep in mind, however, that you use '...she asked as she..." too much. Don't use as a lot, or it gets irritating to read.

Great job! I'll post the fifth chapter's critique soon.

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hiya,
Okeydoky, now with the long ago promised critique : P. Me oh my, you got a lot done! I didn't read through the other critiques so sorry if I repeat anything. Okay, on with chapter 4.

I stood up and turned around because the voice had come from behind me.

This is extremely wordy. I think it could stand on something along the lines of: I stood up and turned (or whirled) around.

“Glad to see your up. My name’s Serj,” I said as I walked to her side.

“My name’s Carrie. Thanks for saving me, Serj,”

They both seem really outgoing. I was thinking that they both would be reserved.

she said right as we saw the dragon I had been fighting fall out of the sky and crash to the trees below.

I think this could stand on its own. For example: As we conversed, we spotted the dragon I had fought fall out of the sky and crash into the trees below.

“They were created when the plague was killing thousands around the Sactar Lake region. They were able to quarantine the plague and stop it from spreading out of the region. After the plague, they were kept to stop anything that might threaten the human race. After nothing happened for centuries, many of the kings thought they were a waste of resources and had them disbanded. However, they left and set up camps in oases of the Redion Desert to the north and the Zelcove Desert to the south. About a decade ago, dragons started attacking from the Kelfar mountain range east of the desert. Ever since, we’ve been at war with the dragons. I was heading to the Zelcove Desert to deliver a message that asks for reinforcements, and they don’t want that,” she said. Even though she told me everything I needed to know, I could’ve gone without the history lesson.

I made my suggestions in bold ^^ She seem kinda open to be discussing these thing with a stranger but good job in disguising an info dump .

“Not really, we need to get back to the town and go by the main road,

Period after really and capitalize the w.

I called for a while before I finally saw the mother walking towards me. Her son was close behind.

I'm assuming this is a different child than the newborn .

My night for the most part was uneventful. However, about half way through the night, the sky was filled with dragons. I had been leaning against a tree thinking when I had looked at the sky and noticed many dragons flying at a moderate speed. They flew over us, but none seemed to notice anything.

Seem pretty word to get your point across. Maybe try rewording a bit.

and whether or not I help Carrie and the Emerald Templars.

Add a should after the I .

“So how do we know if the dragons are going to be waiting there for us?”

Comma after so.

“What!? We need to move now!” she said as she jolted up.

Be careful with the explanation points.

Overall, this is pretty good . Again, description is your friend. It all seems a bit rushed. Be careful of using "as she/I" in your dialog. It gets distracting. You don't need to use an action in every one. Keep working on it and I will be searching the bookshelves at Barnes and Noble in the next couple years . I will get to the rest of the chapters asap!

Happy Writing,
Falcon_Ablaze

like it, love it, want to marry the story, joking! but it is that good! laugh out loud, you probly think i am freak, but your stories, like, umm, rule!

i cant believe I like this chapter too! It's amazing, I really liked it! don't tell the reader quite so much, however, like this happened and then that happened. That kind of thing.