Pinky Swears

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HurricaneEmily
Gender Female
Points 890
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Thu Jan 10, 2008 7:00 am
HurricaneEmily says... · Thu Jan 10, 2008 7:00 am
Feeling angsty lately. Got a clue why?






Pinky swears
Squeeze 'em tight
Tell someone and there'll be a fight

I wish I never told you
I hear my secret words spoken
The sacred swear has been broken

This means I get to break your pinky
You told her, and now she's pissed
Forget your pinky, I'll break your fist

Don't apologize
Don't invade my space
I could just as easily break your face
Last edited by HurricaneEmily on Fri Jan 11, 2008 11:22 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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DoctorClicky
Gender Male
Points 890
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Thu Jan 10, 2008 10:33 am
DoctorClicky says... · Thu Jan 10, 2008 10:33 am
Oooo, I like this. It reminds me of something I wrote awhile ago, lol. I like the anger expressed. Fight was mispelled, might want to fix that. I think it's good. It seems just a little short, maybe make it a tad-bit longer? :)
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bubblewrapped
Gender Female
Points 10087
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Fri Jan 11, 2008 12:30 pm
bubblewrapped says... · Fri Jan 11, 2008 12:30 pm
The tone is consistent and the anger well conveyed. Are those lines in bold meant to be included in the poem? I'd leave the first one normal if so, or attach it to the next stanza, as it seems very disconnected.

Overall, I quite liked this - the length of the lines added punch to the meaning. My only quibble is with the rhythm; the rhyming made your longer lines seem awkward and the flow was stilted. I'd work on that - it might help if you add a bit more punctuation.

An interesting piece.

Cheers,
~bubbles
Got a poem or short story you want me to critique?

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it. (C D Morley)
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written_on_my_heart
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Fri Jan 11, 2008 9:23 pm
written_on_my_heart says... · Fri Jan 11, 2008 9:23 pm
The tone is very angry... do you need to talk to someone? I understand the overall idea but it conveys to the reader a very negative irony. Try again sweetheart.
"Am I that obvious? And if it's written on my face... I hope it never goes away." Pieces of me, Ashlee Simpson :)
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annabanana
Gender Female
Points 640
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Sat Jan 12, 2008 1:22 am
annabanana says... · Sat Jan 12, 2008 1:22 am
WoW!!! that must of took out a ton of emotions. and it was well written,
It made me feel alot of emotions, and not every poem i read pulls me in like that.
Poetry is most deffinately your forte. good job!
APPLE! PEAR! ORANGE! AND NOM-NOMS.
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5 posts


It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without smoke, with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats—the hobbit was fond of visitors. The tunnel wound on and on, going fairly but not quite straight into the side of the hill —The Hill, as all the people for many miles round called it—and many little round doors opened out of it, first on one side and then on another.
— JRR Tolkien