Alpha Galaxy Ch1 Part 2

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It was two days after Orlam walked onto that shore towards the Tree of Likon to talk to The Wolf, Lethero, his big brother. Lethero was twenty when Orlam was born and as Orlam grew up he always found his older brother strange. He would appear and stay for a while then he would disappear for days, sometimes weeks. Then when Orlam turned fifteen he didn’t see his brother again for ten years. He suddenly appeared again two years ago and asked to talk to Orlam. He had acquired a new nickname then, The Wolf With Many Furs.

Orlam found himself standing in the square with the caged humans again. The same two guards and auctioneer were there. They seemed to have more ragged, half-starved humans again than two days ago. As he looked closer he saw one human that stood out. He sat in the corner away from the other humans. His skin was pale as if he stayed inside for many days. Unlike the others he did not wear the loincloth like clothing, but his was more sophisticated. Almost like the clothing the Werewolves wore, but still more simpler.

Even though Orlam was disgusted with the human imprisonment, he ventured close to the bars. When he got close to the cage the human stared at him straight into the eyes. There’s intelligence in those eyes, he thought.

“Help me,” said a quiet and desperate voice. Orlam turned around, but saw no one near him looked as if they said anything. “Help me,” the voice whispered again. He turned around and stared at the human. “Help me,” the voice said once more, but now Orlam saw the human’s lips move. “Please, can you help me?”

“Is there more like you?” Orlam asked, keeping his voice low so the other Werewolves wouldn’t hear. “Others meaning like you, who can talk?” He nodded swiftly. Orlam turned around a called to the auctioneer. “How much for this human?” He asked

“That one?” the auctioneer asked, raising his eyebrow. “Are you sure you want that human? He’s a little queer, couldn’t sell him, not even for free. People are afraid of that one.”

“How much?” Orlam said sternly.

“If you’re sure,” the auctioneer said looking strangely at Orlam. “One hundred jips.”

“Fifty”

“Seventy-five, and that’s as low as I’m going.” Orlam simply nodded, pulling out his jip card and slipped it into the slot in front of the cage and entered his code. Then the two guards pulled out their electric batons and walked into the cage towards the chosen human. After putting a worn out looking leash on him, not too gently, they dragged him out and handed Orlam the leash.

“Thanks,” he said and turned to walk off, dragging the human behind him trying his best to look inconspicuous without hurting the human. He took the human into one of the thin alleys away from people and went in deep to make sure no one would see them. He eventually stopped at a spot that was as clean as an alley was going to get and looked at the human.

“You sure there are more like you?” Orlam asked keeping his voice down even though he knew he wouldn’t be over heard.

“Yes,” the human said in a terrified voice, “please don’t hurt me,” but this time his voice sounded more confident. Orlam felt a knife at his throat before he knew what happened.

“Don’t move Werewolf,” said the knife bearer in a vicious tone, “or I’ll spill your dark blood all over the ground. Irlon, get over here.”

“Don’t hurt,” him said the human that was obviously Irlon, “he saved my life, I would’ve been stuck in those cages forever if not for him.” Irlon turned to Orlam and asked, “Are you part of the Moon Riders?”

“What?” Orlam asked not sure what to think of that name.

“See,” the knife bearer said, “he probably works for the Devil’s Sons, he wants to find out where we make headquarters. Let’s get out of here.”

Orlam felt the strong blunt force of a fist hitting him on the back of the head. Before he blacked out he heard Irlon say, “Thank you.”Then the world was dark.
Fly, Fight, Win . . . in Air, Space, and Cyberspace.
-Air Force Mission Statement-

Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence In All We Do
~Air Force Core Values~

*Lethero*




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1.He would appear and stay for a while then he would disappear for days, sometimes weeks.

Comma after while.

2.“Help me,” said a quiet and desperate voice. Orlam turned around, but saw no one near him looked as if they said anything.

That/who had between him and looked.

3. “Don’t hurt,” him said the human that was obviously Irlon,

Him needs to be inside the quote.

Great and interesting, but more detail would be nice as well. Great job. And well done. Pm me if you need any help.
"This kind of love is not a product of reasonings and statics--it just comes-none knows whence-and can't explain itself. And doesn't need to." Mark Twain




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Hey, Ash! I'd be more than happy to read this! :D *ignores blank thank you cards next to her*

Lethero was twenty when Orlam was born and as Orlam grew up, he always found his older brother strange.


He would appear and stay for a while then he would disappear for days, sometimes weeks.


I honestly hate the word 'then'. I can never make a sentence sound good with it. Try this: He would appear, stay for a short time, then disappear for days, sometimes even weeks. Or [/i]He would appear and stay for only a short time. Afterwards, he would leave and disappear for days, even weeks.[/i]

[s]Then[/s] when Orlam turned fifteen, he didn’t see his brother again for ten years.


He had acquired a new nickname then, The Wolf With Many Furs.


Use a colon instead of the comma.

Unlike the others, he did not wear the loincloth [s]like clothing[/s], but his was more sophisticated. It was Almost like the clothing the Werewolves wore, but still more simpler.


Here's that part you were unsure of writing. ^_^ However, I looked up the word to help you out and it's safe to just say 'loincloth' because it is what you are trying to say: the cloth that only covers what's necessary. ^_^

Orlam turned around, but saw no one near him looked as if they said anything.


Orlam turned around, but no one seemed to be speaking to him, if anyone. Maybe?

“Others meaning like you, who can talk?” He nodded swiftly. Orlam turned around and called to the auctioneer. “How much for this human?” [s]He asked[/s]


Replace that one comma with either triple dots (...) with dramatic effect or just delete it. Replace the period after 'auctioneer' with a comma.

He’s a little queer, couldn’t sell him, not even for free. People are afraid of that one.”


Replace the comma after 'queer' with a big dash (--).

“If you’re sure,” the auctioneer said looking strangely at Orlam. “One hundred jips.”


Replace the comma after 'sure' with triple dots. IT might work better.

“Fifty.


Orlam simply nodded, pulling out his jip card and slipped it into the slot in front of the cage and entered his code.


Jip card actually works fine, as long as you state how the rest of the city is as scientifically advanced as this lone cage. =/ Otherwise, it seems out of place.

[s]Then[/s] the two guards pulled out their electric batons and walked into the cage towards the chosen human.


After putting a worn out [s]looking[/s] leash on him, not too gently, they dragged him out and handed Orlam the leash.


“Thanks,” he said and turned to walk off, dragging the human behind him and trying his best to look inconspicuous without hurting the human.


He took the human into one of the thin alleys away from people and went in deep to make sure no one would see them.


Meh, how about: ...from people and walked even further or [/i]...and walked even deeper.[/i]

“You sure there are more like you?” Orlam asked, keeping his voice down even though he knew he wouldn’t be over heard.


“Yes,” the human said in a terrified voice, “please don’t hurt me,” but this time, his voice sounded more confident.


"Yes," the human said in a terrified voice. "Please don't hurt me." This time, his voice sounded more confident. Maybe?

“Don’t move, Werewolf,” said the knife bearer...


“Don’t hurt,” [s]him[/s] said the human [s]that was obviously[/s] called Irlon, “he saved my life, I would’ve been stuck in those cages forever if not for him.”


Change that comma after "Irlon" to a period and capitalize "he" in the next quote. ^_^ Also, replace the comma after 'like' with a period. ^_^

“What?” Orlam asked, not sure what to think of that name.


“See,” the knife bearer said, “he probably works for the Devil’s Sons, he wants to find out where we make headquarters.


Replace comma after "Devil's Sons" with a period. ^_^

Before he blacked out he heard Irlon say, “Thank you.”Then the world was dark.


This is a pretty good ending. Let's see if we can make more goosebumps appear on my arm. ^_^ He heard Irlon say, "Thank you," before the world suddenly went dark. Maybe?

Overall, good story! Your writing is improving so much! I'm so proud of you! *squeals* I won't hug you, though. :lol: I know better. There's not much else to say except to watch out with that Jip Card you have. Your city was turning out wonderfully in my head until that little technical device popped into the story. If you have one tech device like that, then you should probably include a little more science in it. Fantasy can still be fantasy with science. Otherwise, you could explain why there's only on tech item in the story, like the Werewolves have their first scientist in history or something. xD Or you can always change the Jip Card to, like, identification or something. ^_^

Again, good job! I'll be happy to look at more. ^_^

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