Sonnet #1

***I wrote this poem for my boyfriend, and now I'm thinking about entering it into a HUGE school-wide contest. As a freshman, it would be totally awesome to win, so please critique it! And if it's absolutely horrible, tell me now so I don't make a fool of myself, please! Thanks a million!!!***





False notions allowed me to believe
I could write for you a simple verse
(you wear my heart upon your sleeve)
To prove this much love to be a curse.

But, a curse, this love could never be
(I long for the sugary taste of your lips.)
And although I try to make you see,
away in your eyes, my thought flow slips.

Watching you change from the shadows.
The way your fingers graze your skin,
(I want you to touch me.) The sun glows
bright, hitting the noticable hairs on your chin.

You'll never completely know how I feel.
(I shall never return all the kisses I steal.)

But, a cruse, this love could never be

Cruse->curse?

The way your fingers graze your skin.

The way your fingers graze your[my?] skin what? This is an incomplete sentence.

(I want you to touch me).

Periods go inside the brackets, same with the last line.

Honestly, I would completely suggest that you forget a bracket ever existed inside this poem ever. Brackets are weird to use in poetry and you have to be darn good to make it work and look witty. (Rounded with a Sleep pt 1 by Whence - It's a bit of a confusing poem unless you are used to his style, but it works wonders.) Your brackets just make me have to reread the text so I can think to see if I actually figured it out...

I forget all the types of sonnets and rhyme schemes, as well, haha, though I did study them just a bit ago. Your rhyming was really good hear, in a way I didn't notice it, but it brought a bit of life to the poem.


My biggest problem with this poem is: what are you trying to say to your audience? You tell us you wrote it for your boyfriend, and everything is written with audience in mind. That audience was your Prince Charming; well, I am not your prince charming so in a way this poem isn't for me, and you didn't keep me in mind while writing it. Your boyfriend probably loved it, I wouldn't doubt it. Me? I don't really care. It's not like you love me, right, why should I care what you have to say about my skin? If... you understand what I'm saying.

Your focus is too narrow, which makes everything you present, the emotions, not come across well for your reader. It's OK, but I don't think you should put it into the contest unless you rewrite it a few times. You need to write a poem for a wider audience, not just one person. And don't take it as a matter of bad writing, it's just a matter of knowing which audience you are writing for. Ask yourself: what do I want to say? What do I want my reader to feel/think/do/believe when they are done reading my poem? If your reader isn't your boyfriend, what are they supposed to feel/think/do/believe?


As always, any questions, you know how to find me. ^_~ Best of luck!

Well I won first place in my school poetry contest and it was my first try and I'm a sophomore...

Hmm... a sonnet is 5 iambs, aka 10 syllables... Composed in verses of 2-4 lines... Rhymining in the abab cdcd... form. *Thank you Romeo and Winifred...*

So... you were UNDER (at 9) for many, and the one that annoyed me was: "away in your eyes, my thought flow slips." and the very last line... another 12 syllables.

I didn't like thought flow. It sounded awkward... like... almost disgusting, like... your brains seeping out of your head.

I was interested because I thought it was about YOU not being able to write poetry but it ended up in a love poem... I do the EXACT same thing though, the last poem I wrote involved me talking about how words can't describe yadidadida....

You need stronger emotion. Write so well about your boyfriend, that other girls will envy you. Is he only lips and kisses or is he that and so much more?

I'd ... work on it, to get things at 10, rather than 9 and 11 and all surrounding numbers.

Your poem was, well, choppy. I know poetry can be written any way you choose, but this was a bit to odd (For lack of a better word.) Maybe you could rearrange the words a bit as to make it easier on the brain.

In the words of Mr. Falke (You remember him don't you?) Never never never never never use brackets in your poetry. What's the point? If you want to say it, say it! I've seen so many poems on here like that and it really irks me. If you don't want it in there, don't say it. If you do, why put it in brackets? What's the point?

"(I want you to touch me.) The sun glows
bright, hitting the noticable hairs on your chin. "

Was that last line supposed to be funny? If it isn't meant to be funny, change it. It doesn't fit with the rest of your poem.

I have to say, this poem was a good "note poem" if you know what I mean. This poem isn't quality work. It seems a bit like you just wrote it to him.

I hope I wasn't to mean. If I was, you can hit me on Monday (Not really. My head hurts from all the slaps)

No promises on not hitting you, Mad. (and since when did I care what Mr. Falke thought? He's not an English Professor! He teaches keyboarding!)

Thanks for all the crits guys--I'll have to start revising soon.