It looks like you're sortofish new to YWS, so welcome to it! Before anyone critiques your story, I'd suggest you use some punctuation and make this a lot longer. This doesn't count as a story (it's only a paragraph), and before I continue, I'd like to see a bit longer version. I'd be happy to give it a proper critique then.
Hint: dialogue is useful, along with capitalizing the beginning of your sentences.
Wiggy
"I will have to tell you, you have bewitched me body and soul..." --Mr. Darcy, P & P, 2005 movie
"You pierce my soul." --Cpt. Frederick Wentworth
