Ahoy Insanity #2

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A/N: Woo Ronald. Ahem. Chapter 1 of this can be found here.
Love always.
Saint.

P.S. Notice the pattern? It's intentional, darlings.


2: Ronald

A hand is the perfect girlfriend, Ronald Lynch thought as he stormed into the room he and his mother shared, slamming the door behind him. He knew the folks who ran the shelter wouldn't be happy about that, but he didn't really care. My hand would never nag, never annoy me, never drag me to a stupid date movie, and would always give me what I want when I want it.

He threw his schoolbag on the floor and flopped on his bed -- or rather, his cot -- with anger coursing through his veins. It wasn't his fault. He had fought tooth and nail to stay, but his mother thought it best to put as much distance between them and Ronald's father as she could. He touched his face gingerly.

"First that, now Amanda hates my guts," he said to the ceiling, which was always an intent listener. He rolled over and buried his face in his pillow. He would have screamed if he could have mustered the energy, but everything going horribly wrong was old news by then. Ronald had long since forgotten to care.

He rolled back onto his side and sat up. His blue eyes scanned the dingy room the domestic abuse shelter had given them.

Roach Motel, six weeks of free rates, Ronald had said when his mother first brought him home from hospital to it. It was no different now, a week later. He wanted to get out of the wretched place, but not like this.

Tomorrow, Saturday, was moving day. There wasn't much to move, since most of Ronald's possessions had been abandoned in the hasty retreat from his father's house. But it was a long drive; half of New Mexico to cover, straight through Arizona, and on to the coast of Southern California. The aunt that he'd met twice in his fifteen years of life was going to be sheltering him.

Ronald was not looking forward to it.

He stood up, kicked the nearest solid object in anger, and strode to the bathroom. He had managed to silence the curious stares and the rumormongering at school, but they had known him for years. Elsewhere would be different. Elsewhere, he would be shunned.

He took special care not to look at himself in the mirror as he closed the bathroom door.

***

"This is the longest fucking drive ever," Ronald complained for the millionth time, adding in a splash of profanity to see the reaction from his mother. The compact sedan hit another bump -- number six hundred eighty-one since Ronald had started counting roundabout the New Mexico - Arizona border.

"Ronald David Lynch, you cease your incessant complaining immediately and watch your language around your mother," she snapped for the millionth time. Ronald bit back a vicious retort and turned to stare out the window into the Arizonan desert. The landscape was monotonous and boring -- saguaro cactus, mountain, patch of dirt, large rock -- but at the very least it was something to watch. And the saguaro cacti were interesting at the least. They didn't grow in New Mexico -- too high and too cold -- and they were majestic kings of the otherwise unscrupulous desert, rising above and stretching their proud and massive arms out over the desert floor.

Ronald suddenly felt very poetic.

He would never admit it to his mother (who constantly complained about the drab desert scenery), but he loved the landscape. The plants that grew in the harsh and dry environment only proved to him that life could thrive even under some of the worst conditions possible. Granted, it wasn't aesthetically pleasing like Niagra Falls or the Scottish Highlands, but it was magical indeed.

He wished his life could be that way.

Ronald turned from the window, failing to notice the tiny, beautiful saguaro blossom lose its magic and fall from its perch to the ground below.
Last edited by Teague on Tue Jan 08, 2008 1:58 am, edited 1 time in total.
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I don't know. I didn't really like this one as much as the first one. I mean, it was okay, just my personal taste made me a bit prejudice.

I didn't really get it. What was going on? Does this guy ahve anything to do with he first part? What does this hve to do with the first part?

You rwriting was goo, especially your descriptions, and a couple of bits were really funny, it's just not my type of thing.
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*




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*claps her hands in excitement* yay! chapter two. ok, ok, yeah, i really liked it. a few of your descriptions were a little confusing.

Roach Motel, six weeks of free rates, Ronald had said when his mother first brought him home from hospital to it. It was no different now, a week later. He wanted to get out of the wretched place, but not like this.

ok, first, why was he in the hospital?

"Ronald David Lynch, you cease your incessant complaining immediately and watch your language around your mother," she snapped for the millionth time.

does anyone you know actually say the word "cease" in every day conversation? (unless they are a poet)

other than that, i thought it was really good. i liked the way you used words, and kept people interested. i also liked how you make your characters believable, and able to be related to. (i liked this about the first chapter, too, by the way)
Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be bought with chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death!
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Also a great chapter, and personally, I like how everything isn't made obvious right away. It makes the reader have to give things a moment of thought, which can only be a good thing.

they were majestic kings of the otherwise inscrupulous desert,

Not totally sure about this, but I checked the dictionary and I don't think "inscrupulous" is a word. Typo, perhaps?

In any case, great chapter as always, I'm a big fan of your writing. ^_^
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zankoku_na_tenshi wrote:Not totally sure about this, but I checked the dictionary and I don't think "inscrupulous" is a word. Typo, perhaps?

Gah! Good catch. It's unscrupulous. xD

blustarr9009 wrote:ok, first, why was he in the hospital?

does anyone you know actually say the word "cease" in every day conversation? (unless they are a poet)


Your first question shall be answered in the next chapter. ^_~ And for your second question, that's actually something my mum says to me a lot. *shifty eyes*

Thanks for the comments, folks!
-:pirate3:
"2-4-6-8! I like to delegate!" -Meshugenah
"Teague: Stomping on your dreams since 1992." -Sachiko
"So I'm looking at FLT and am reminded of a sandwich." -Jabber




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A hand is the perfect girlfriend,
Is it wrong that the first thing came into my mind was perverted? Yes if you weren't intending that, no if you were. Ronald Lynch thought as he stormed into the room he and his mother shared, slamming the door behind him. He knew the folks who ran the shelter wouldn't be happy about that, but he didn't really care. My hand would never nag, never annoy me, never drag me to a stupid date movie, and would always give me what I want when I want it.

He threw his schoolbag on the floor and flopped on his bed -- or rather, his cot -- with anger coursing through his veins. It wasn't his fault. He had fought tooth and nail to stay, but his mother thought it best to put as much distance between them and Ronald's father as she could. He touched his face gingerly.

"First that, now Amanda hates my guts," he said to the ceiling, which was always an intent listener. He rolled over and buried his face in his pillow. He would have screamed if he could have mustered the energy, but everything going horribly wrong was old news by then. Ronald had long since forgotten to care. everything but that last sentence seems a little girly to me.

He rolled back onto his side and sat up. His blue eyes scanned the dingy room the domestic abuse shelter had given them.

Roach Motel, six weeks of free rates, Ronald had said when his mother first brought him home from hospital to it. It was no different now, a week later. He wanted to get out of the wretched place, but not like this.

Tomorrow, Saturday, was moving day. There wasn't much to move, since most of Ronald's possessions had been abandoned in the hasty retreat from his father's house. But it was a long drive; half of New Mexico to cover, straight through Arizona, and on to the coast of Southern California. The aunt that he'd met twice in his fifteen years of life was going to be sheltering him.

Ronald was not looking forward to it.

He stood up, kicked the nearest solid object in anger, and strode to the bathroom. He had managed to silence the curious stares and the rumormongering at school, but they had known him for years. Elsewhere would be different. Elsewhere, he would be shunned.

He took special care not to look at himself in the mirror as he closed the bathroom door.

***

"This is the longest fucking drive ever," Ronald complained for the millionth time, adding in a splash of profanity to see the reaction from his mother. The compact sedan hit another bump -- number six hundred eighty-one since Ronald had started counting roundabout the New Mexico - Arizona border.

"Ronald David Lynch, you cease your incessant complaining immediately and watch your language around your mother," she snapped for the millionth time.Uh....that part just sounds off to me. Perhaps add in a tone that she's using? Ronald bit back a vicious retort and turned to stare out the window into the Arizonan desert. The landscape was monotonous and boring -- saguaro cactus, mountain, patch of dirt, large rock -- but at the very least it was something to watch. And the saguaro cacti were interesting at the least. They didn't grow in New Mexico -- too high and too cold -- and they were majestic kings of the otherwise unscrupulous desert, rising above and stretching their proud and massive arms out over the desert floor.

Ronald suddenly felt very poetic. XD I love things like that, the one line slightly scarcastic and blunt paragraphs.

He would never admit it to his mother (who constantly complained about the drab desert scenery), but he loved the landscape. The plants that grew in the harsh and dry environment only proved to him that life could thrive even under some of the worst conditions possible. Granted, it wasn't aesthetically pleasing like Niagra Falls or the Scottish Highlands, but it was magical indeed.

He wished his life could be that way.


You did better with your character this time, I under stand a little more of how he's feeling and why he's feeling it. But I was a little confused about who it was that got abused, the mother or the son? Was the abuse shelter in the same town as before?

As far as I know if the son had been abused he wouldn't be going to highschool after they left, even if it was the mom as well. The dad could always come and pick him up and that thought usually tends to freak people out.

Any questions about either two crits just ask me and I'll answer best of my knowledge. (P.S. I have to read the third one now XD)
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chocoholic, i think because hes moving he is going to meet carolina after, but i agree that i liked part one abit more
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A hand is the perfect girlfriend, Ronald Lynch thought as he stormed into the room he and his mother shared, slamming the door behind him. He knew the folks who ran the shelter wouldn't be happy about that, but he didn't really care. My hand would never nag, never annoy me, never drag me to a stupid date movie, and would always give me what I want when I want it.
This is a real great beginning, and already has conflict in it, yes? I see that it does--this is what 1 needs.

He would have screamed if he could have mustered the energy, but everything going horribly wrong was old news by then.
I don't like this. It's like "Oh woe is me EVERYTHING goes HORRIBLY wrong!" and it might be true, but why does the reader care if they don't know what everything is? I know you can do better.

His blue eyes scanned the dingy room that the domestic abuse shelter had given them.
The physical description thing again.

Roach Motel, six weeks of free rates, Ronald had said when his mother first brought him home from hospital [s]to it[/s].


He stood up, kicked the nearest solid object in anger, and strode to the bathroom.
Why say "nearest solid object"? Don't be vague. You can characterize him based on what he kicks, even. Does he kick something light so he doesn't hurt himself? or something that he know will hurt him? Does he kick something of his own, or something owned by the hotel/his mother?

I didn't like this as much because you didn't tell us what Ronald's problem was, so it was bland. You've given both of your characters original problems (so says your writer's corner) and yet I don't know about it yet. I think it would really help if you told us.

Otherwise, good. :)
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
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His blue eyes scanned the dingy room the domestic abuse shelter had given them.


See my Chapter One notes on early physical description.

Ronald turned from the window, failing to notice the tiny, beautiful saguaro blossom lose its magic and fall from its perch to the ground below.


I see sentences like this a lot. My question is often, "Why is it mentioned if he/she doesn't notice it?" It's a nice sentence, but it doesn't serve any purpose other than being pretty.

To repeat what others have said, I didn't like this chapter as much as the previous one. It was kind of slow, and I didn't feel like we got much of an introduction to Ronald. Still, there's some really good stuff here.

Off to read Chapter Three!

Love,

Haley
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