Forgive Me

Well, here I go again. This is my second attempt at poetry. Enjoy!

---

You’ll have to forgive me, for borrowing your heart.
But give me a second, to tear it apart.
I can only imagine, how you must feel.
To know that my love for you, was never real.

I can still see the rain, pouring from your eyes.
Once you knew my sweet words, were all lies.
I can still hear the thunder, roaring from your lips.
And I can still feel the lightning, striking in your fists.

Those beautiful big brown eyes, that always shined.
And that soul of yours, so pure and kind.
I can still see us, sneaking kisses in the hall.
There’s not one single moment, I cannot recall.

I know I brightened your world, when I held you close.
And I know you felt just as good, when you overdosed.

.....that was, well i actaully read the whole thing with no skimming which says alot since i almost never read the whole thing when its that long and its poetry, i did actually like it and i would like to know what your imspiration was, just idle curiosity you know me i like to know everything.

Lol. Well, thanks, then. That is a great compliment! ^_^ I actually got the idea, although this may sound odd, from actual rain. I absolutely love the rain, but it just kinda flashed this big "Suicide Alert!" sign in my face. So yeah. ^_^

Thanks for your crit.

Lurv,
*~Syd*~

Hmm... I'm not exactly the "poetry" kinda guy, but this seemed pretty well-written. Although, the only thing that I think you should work on, if you seriously want to live in Poet World, is to make your readers feel. The writer focuses a little bit too much on themself, so it leaves us, as the readers, just hanging there... bored.

The idea behind it is excellent, just concentrate on bringing it life.

Best wishes,
Jack

Wow. Interesting. Your concluding couplet was completely irrelevant and yet totally fitting at the same time, sort of jolting the reader out of the poem. Good, though.

You don't need all those commas. Not only is it grammatically-incorrect, it interrupts the flow. But when I ignored them, your poem flowed nicely and had wonderful imagery.

Good job. This was sweet.

Thanks for your comments! I'll remove the commas next time, Fang, thanks for pointing that out. ^_^

And... Jack! You're... back! *hugs* Yay. Welcome back and thanks for reading my work. ^_^

~*Syd*~

you are a great poet.

I really liked this -- its a sonnet, correct? I just wrote one of those! (is excited). I thought it was interesting, because you usually don't hear poetry from the person who did the heart breaking, just the person who is heart broken, ya know? That made it really interesting. (wow...repeatative...sorry).

I can't see anything that didn't really make sense, or could use changing, so bravo!

HAPPY WRITING!

~Bella~

The first two lines though awkward I love the image it gives. Words paint a very real picture for me in my head and I really enjoyed the one your poem painted for me. The third stanza is the only one i had a problem with is the third one for me it didn't fit. The ending was abrupt and suprising but I liked it! Good job!

Silly Sydstix wrote:I can still hear the thunder, roaring from your lips.
And I can still feel the lightning, striking in your fists.

this poem was fantastic, i really enjoyed it. though i feel on these two lines "lips" and "fists" seems a bit of a stretch for rhyming. this is the only flaw that i can see that hasn't been voiced already great work

Thanks for your compliment and suggestion, Gilth. ^_^ I will be posting another poem later on in the week, if you're interested in reading. It will, of course, be Romance.

Never doubt it. lol Later!

~Syd

Lady Sydney wrote:Well, here I go again. This is my second attempt at poetry. Enjoy!

---

You’ll have to forgive me, for borrowing your heart.
But give me a second, to tear it apart.
I can only imagine, how you must feel.
To know that my love for you, was never real.

I can still see the rain, pouring from your eyes.
Once you knew my sweet words, were all lies.
I can still hear the thunder, roaring from your lips.
And I can still feel the lightning, striking in your fists.

Those beautiful big brown eyes, that always shined.
And that soul of yours, so pure and kind.
I can still see us, sneaking kisses in the hall.
There’s not one single moment, I cannot recall.

I know I brightened your world, when I held you close.
And I know you felt just as good, when you overdosed.

Hi Sydney ^^ Shina here I'll be your reviewer for today.

First Nit Picks: add "just" before lies in the second stanza. It helps the flow and it seems to be lacking a word. "close" and "overdosed" don't rhyme.

xD Looks to me like I only caught a few things. Everyone else seems to have caught the errors in the poem. So I'll head on to ideas. The idea was good, though the last line didn't rhyme and seemed forced. I suggest you fix that rhyme there because it ruined the whole poem. Remember that the end of your writing must always be better than how you start off. Your poem is supposed to lift off the ground as you transition through, and when it comes to the end the idea is supposed to be high in the sky.

As I said, your ideas are good and I can sense feeling and emotions in your words. That's good! Work with that.

~Shina[/color]

I like it. Especially the end. It was a jaw dropping, eye popping moment. You were eaither really mad or something like that when you wrote this because the angry emotion is really obvious. I like how it makes the reader want to know the story behind it. Well done.

wow this was really good 2nd crack at it? You'll be hooked in no time... I rarely write anything else anymore .

Rhyme was all good.. no issues there except for lips an fists.. but it didn't disrupt me so all good.

Theme was good: I thought at the start it was going to be another Romeo and Juliet thing, but it wasn't and its fresh and that makes it enjoyable to read.

Imagery was outstanding. I loved the second stanza especially: I won't forget the image of lightning striking from someone fists. Its really raw and powerful - you hit a winner there.

Rhythm was the only thing I could find fault with: and its something that I do so often myself its not funny. You seem to get caught breaking up each line with a comma or some sort of pause, and if you can't get out of this rut it can jerk the rhythm out a little bit. Like I said I have this issue all the time myself, an reading the poem aloud or in your head focusing on the rhythm will normally iron out those kinks.

And the ending was just class. It just cut the whole thing to shreds it was great. Again, raw honest power beats clever little phrases.

My gold star button doesn't seem to be working... But if it was I would click it

I'd like to read more poetry from you.. perhaps there's a chance of a 3rd and a 4th....

Brendan

Enjoyed this, but structurally it could do with some work. You have a comma in every single of the poem when you don't need half of them. Try reading it aloud and see where you naturally take a pause for breath - that's the only place you need the commas, and you'll probably find that a lot of them only come at the end of lines.

I like the idea and I loved the final couplet - it made for a very dramatic finish, and I was very impressed by it. A few of the earlier lines are a little clichéd ('beautiful big brown eyes' springs to mind) but otherwise, for someone not familiar with poetry, I think you've produced a solid second attempt. Keep at it!