The Fear of the Summer Chapter 1

Its a normal Friday night of watching TV. My parents were out on the town. I didn't know where they went and didn't care at that moment of time. When I went to bed around 10pm my parents were still not home. Oh by the way this was the first day of summer break. In the morning my parents were in bed still so I left them alone. When I was done eating breakfast I went to the library to get my book for my book report.
When I arrived at the library my best friend was there so I ran up and said, "Hey Kelly!"
"Oh hi. What are you doing here?" Kelly asked.
" Just getting my book for my book report." I replied."
" Me too. Well I got to go. Nice seeing you."
"We should get together during the summer." I said.
When she left I got my book which was called, " The Summer Of Fear."
It was about 12 noon when I got home and my dad asked, " Where the hell have you been?"
"I have been at the library getting my book for my report." I replied.
" When I started to walk near Mom and dad's bedroom dad said. " Stop! Don't go in there."
"Why?" I asked.
" Its to hard to explain." dad replied.
" I am going in anyway!" I said.
When I went in what I saw was horrifying!

Hey, Goth. ^_^ Thought I'd stop by to take a peek at your writing.

My parents were out on the town.

Were they:

...out in town.

Or

...out of town.

When I went to bed around 10pm, my parents were still not home.

When it comes to stories, I would type out the time. (Unless it's odd like 10:54 ) How about this: ...to bed around ten o'clock. You already told us it was nighttime.

Oh by the way this was the first day of summer break.

Is this a story or are you telling us about your day? o_O Never say "Oh, by the way..." Only use that in dialogue when your characters are speaking. The author never does it. You could insert this in the first sentence when you told us it was Friday night. Or you don't even have to mention this. Is it really important to your story? If so later on, then you may want to state this later on to explain why they aren't in school that day.

In the morning my parents were in bed still, so I left them alone.

I don't recall your parents coming home. Make this observation here. In the morning, I noticed both my parents sound asleep in bed, so I left them alone.

When I was done eating breakfast, I went to the library to get my book for my book report.

Here, you could say you went to the library to finish your summer homework. Then the reader would know it's summer vacation.

When I arrived at the library my best friend was there so I ran up and said, "Hey Kelly!"

You use so too much. This is a story. Make it sound like one. Be nice to the reader. ^_^ When I arrived inside the library, I noticed my best friend reading a book in the bean bags. I walked up to her and said, "Hey, Kelly." It's a library, btw, so she better keep her voice down.

"Oh, hi. What are you doing here?" Kelly asked.

Tell us what Kelly was doing when you entered the library. [i]..." Kelly asked, looking up from her book.

" Just getting [s]my[/s] a book for my book report." I replied."

Quotations at the end of the sentence, lol. Comma after 'report' rather than that period.

" Me too. Well, I got to go. Nice seeing you."

What a friend, leaving just as her best friend arrived.

"We should get together [s]during the[/s] this summer." I said.

Comma rather than a period after 'summer'.

When she left, I [s]got my[/s] picked up a book [s]which was[/s] called, " The Summer Of Fear."

It was about 12 noon when I got home and my dad asked, " Where the hell have you been?"

No numbers. ^_^ Noon clearly states the time, though this is probably a typo. You were a bit quick to get to the dad's question. What does the dad look like? Is he fuming with anger? Red in the face? Arms crossed? Glaring down at her?

"I have been at the library getting my book for my report." I replied.

Watch your tags! A comma after 'report' rather than the period. Did she look innocent? Or was she ticked that her dad was angry at her for doing something responsible?

" When I started to walk near Mom and dad's bedroom, dad said. " Stop! Don't go in there."

Get rid of the first quotations before the sentence. "Dad's" should be capitalized. A comma after 'said'.

" Its to hard to explain." dad replied.
" I am going in anyway!" I said.

Comma after 'explain'. Dad should be capitalized. Wasn't dad just yelling at her? His statement seems awkward. Maybe "none of your business" or something to fit his character. And...why was she going into her parents' room anyway? We gotta think through the plot before we write something down on paper (or comp).

When I went in, what I saw was horrifying!

This sentence is a bit cliche. There's more dramatic endings you can write. Also, the smilie is distracting. You don't need that.

Overall...we need to think through the story. Grammar is off, the story isn't told in story format. You sound as if you're telling your best friend about Friday night. =/ Engage the reader. Also, you lack description and it's overall too short. You can definitely do better. I'd be more than willing to help you out. ^_^

Jabber, the One and Only!