Fifteen Eternal Candles (Chapter 1, Scene 5)

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Author's note: This is the first section of the town that I've put up. It has a completely different feel then the manor and I've tried my best to put that into this cute and informative scene. Happy reading!


Fixed on the 7th
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Entering the quiet town lined with nice cottages and brick walkways, people waved to Victoria and always said, “Good day,” or “So nice to see you again, Lady Victoria.” Walking down the roads lined with beautiful cottages and a few tiny shops marked with wooden signs. The warm scent of freshly made bread and confectionery treats guided Avalon and Victoria into the Rose Bakery. Opening the oak door and stepping into the candle lit room, Victoria called out, “Hello? Satori? Mati? Barhite?”

From upstairs a young woman called out, “Lady Victoria!”

“Satori!” cried out Victoria. A beautiful woman descended the stairs quickly. Wearing a blue and white dress similar to Victoria's dress, but made of cotton instead. With long flowing black hair and a soft small yellowish face, she was a merchant from far to the east.

Satori hugged Victoria tight and said, “So good to see you again! Looks like you brought company with you.”

Victoria smiled and introduced Avalon, “This is our guest, Avalon.”

Satori's face lit up as she looked at Avalon's soft face and long hair. Grinning she whispered to Victoria, “Nice catch!”

Victoria whispered back, alerting Avalon that they were talking about him, causing him to lean forward in an attempt to listen, “Its not like that!”

Resting her back against the wall, Satori sighed and wrapped her arms over her small chest, “Just when I thought you finally grown into a woman, you go straight back to childhood.”

Avalon took a step closer and Victoria's growl immediately made him stay back, “You are one to speak!”

As the two girls leaned closer to each other exchanging, “Oh yeah!?”'s at each other it appeared more and more like a fight, until the two were inches apart staring angrily into each others eyes. Satori sticked out her tongue and the two broke out in laughter.

“Oh! I'll make some tea for us.” gasped Satori as she ran down the corridor and into the spacious kitchen of their bakery.

Victoria sat down on the ground and looked at Avalon, suggesting him to sit down. Avalon cast a look around for chairs before finally sitting down on the wood floor and looking over to Victoria, “Where are the chairs?”

Victoria shook her head, “Spoiled alre-”

“Victoria! How do you want your tea?” called out Satori from the kitchen.

“Two sugars!” Victoria yelled back, before giving Avalon a soft smile and adding, “Avalon needs five sugars.”

“FIVE!?” cried out Satori before she nervously replied, “Alright.”

Carrying the tea on a small tray, Satori came back into the room and gave out the cups before sitting down on the floor between Victoria and Avalon. With backs pressed against the wall and knees tucked into her chest, Satori drank before asking, “Any word from the Council?”

Sighing softly, Victoria shook her head, “They are dodging the matter while out of session.”

Satori gasped, “During a war, those old codgers are on vacation?”

Victoria's soft nod filled Satori with disgust as she grumbled, “The blockade is really starting to hamper our business. Even if its not a war with us, we suffer.”

“The decisive battle is set to take place. After the festival, I'll be traveling to Narani to order a ceasefire-”

“Do your best. The season of war is upon us again.”

“Season of war?” asked Avalon, holding the cup of tea in his hands, staring into the tea blankly.

“The period during late spring to early fall. Between the main planting and harvesting cycles. Its an old term that defines the futility of war.” sighed Satori, “Coined from my home, it is the endless global struggle of power.”

Drinking their tea in silence the awkward moment was shattered by Satori's younger sister, Mati. Bursting through the door, the tomboyish girl wearing a dirty green tunic and cotton slacks suddenly shouted, “Victoria!”

Quickly taken up in Mati's strong, but tiny arms, Victoria fought against the hug restricting her breathing. Mati's pale eyes settled over to Avalon, releasing Victoria from her grip, she lunged for Avalon with open arms, “Hello!”

Embraced tightly, Avalon went limp in the girl's arms, blushing red as Mati gave him a little kiss on the cheek. A menacing stare from Victoria freed Avalon from Mati's embrace. Feinting innocence, she brushing back her short black hair, “When did you get here, Victoria?”

“Airhead!” growled Satori as she pointed at Mati, “Get some self control!”

Whining and finally taking a seat next to her older sister, Mati stole the unfinished cup of tea from Satori and drank it down, “Still no ships today. The blockade is blocking the river on both sides, so even going upstream won't work now.”

Victoria sighed, “Wonderful, father is ready for war. Learning of this will plunge everyone into another war.”

Mati tilted her head, trying to understand Victoria's comment, but Satori cheerfully replied, “Don't be too hasty, it won't last for long. Krieg was ordered to bust the blockade. Maybe that Kirtner knows something?”

“Really!?” gasped Victoria.

“Really! Caelin came bursting in the other day and shouted all about how Krieg's fleet was spotted off the coast of Pamui heading back towards Narani.”

Mati inched over to Avalon while Satori and Victoria talked, too involved in their own discussion to miss Mati's whispering into his ear, “Want to have lunch?” Avalon and Mati disappeared into the kitchen quietly without being spotted.

Mati pulled a long loaf of bread from a rack and moved over to a cutting board, pulling out a long knife she slowly cut four thick slices of fresh bread before asking, “Want a steak or roast ham?”

“Both sound delicious!” Avalon said, watching Mati's closely as she prepared a thick slab of steak for the both of them. Placing it between the two pieces of bread, she handed him the sandwich.

Together they took a bite into the sandwich and both said happily, “So good!” Fresh baked bread and delicious cured steak was a better meal that Avalon got to finally enjoy.

Between mouthfuls, Mati rested her back against the brick oven and asked, “So they finally set you free from that dusty manor?”

Avalon nodded and finished swallowing before replying, “Victoria is taking me shopping, its supposed to be fun.”

“Eh!? You don't remember anything do you?” she seriously asked.

Avalon softly shook his head and took another bite into his rapidly disappearing sandwich. Mati him on the shoulder, “It'll come back. Its not everyday someone floats ashore, beaten to a pulp and-”

The pained expression on Avalon's face silenced Mati with a soft, “I'm sorry, that was rude of me.”

“I am fine. This is a really good meal!” he said, breaking the awkward silence by taking the last bite of the sandwich.

Mati blushed very faintly, “Thanks. What are you going to do when you get your memory back?”

Swallowing the last mouthful, Avalon said, “Probably return home. I do not belong here.”

Mati shook her head furiously, “You are home anywhere you make it. We started up the Rose Bakery after Barhite got sick, but have lived here for five years. This is our home now.”

Victoria appeared at the threshold to the kitchen, overhearing Mati's words she smiled at Avalon and said, “You could stay with us if you want.”

Avalon headed over to Victoria, “Thank you for the meal, Mati.”

Mati smiled warmly at Avalon and called out, “Are you two going to the festival? Or is he still being a stick in the mud?”

“Father finally accepted and gave me my mother's pendent.” she said, pointing to the pendant that hung so naturally off of her that it already seemed to be a part of her everyday appearance.

“It looks pretty, but I didn't want to be rude. See you at the festival, I'll be cheering you on.” Mati replied.

Leaving the Rose Bakery, Avalon was knocked to the ground by a small boy as soon as he stepped onto the street. The street urchin in tattered baggy clothes stood up and yelled, “Watch were your going, jackass!”

Avalon coughed and struggled to get up, visibly aching from the impact, Victoria moved out into the street to help him up, “Hunlaf! Watch were you are going!”

The dirty young boy tilted his head to Victoria as she helped Avalon and gasped, “Oh! Sorry, Vicky! Katie wanted me to run down to Morgan's shop to pick up her dress.”

“Excuses! Apologize right now!” scolded Victoria as she stood up over the twelve year old, her finger pointing at his face threateningly.

Hunlaf stood up straight and bowed to Avalon, “I humbly beg your forgiveness, sir!”

“Thank you, I am fine now,” Avalon said, still shaken from the sudden impact.

Hunlaf made a slight detour around Avalon and Victoria before starting to sprint down the streets again at full speed towards the far end of town. “Vicky...” growled Victoria as she realized her mutilated name still went unpunished.

“Vicky?” repeated Avalon, staring at the boy dashing out of sight in the distance, but Victoria's growling only increased as she surged with anger.

“Come on, Avalon! We are going.” Victoria growled as she started off towards the shop without him.
Last edited by deleted1 on Mon Jan 07, 2008 7:52 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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I'm not suprised that I'm the first to read this. You had one grammatical error, you put "that" instead of "that was."
Anyway, it was superlative and I can't wait till the next scene! :-) I still don't understand where you get all these names??? Isn't the name Vicky just a shorter version of Victoria?
Our happiness here is all vain glory,
This false world is but transitory,
The flesh is weak, the Fiend is slee
Timor mortis conturbat me.
--William Dunbar




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Not bad but i agree with kittykat on this one try to work on your grammar. That is one big problem in writing. Trust me I know. Hope this helps!
3 facts: 1.You can't lick your elbow
2. you just tried it
3. I caught you cause i saw you




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gothgirl01 wrote:Not bad but i agree with kittykat on this one try to work on your grammar. That is one big problem in writing. Trust me I know. Hope this helps!


One grammatical error that I fixed before you replied? It was from 'that (was) rude of me.'

If you see another word missing, point it out, but I checked this one through. Please don't give a lame review (clearly you did not even read it) just to get 25 reviews.

As for the names, Hunlaf means dear hound. Essentially the orphan boy is a stray, granted this is a hard name to find a meaning to! Its in fact old english from the Angelo Saxons. I try to keep the names easy and memorable, but always meaning something.

Vicky being short for Victoria, yes. However she is nobility and she doesn't like being called 'Vicky'. Now I know I am breaking a fantasy 'rule' with no 3 syllable names or any character with a name longer then six letters...but it was a tongue in cheek joke and a personal joke to.

Hunlaf was supposed to be dirty and I originally had him set out to look like a 'Gaverocet', but it didn't turn out that way in the end.




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Hey Errant,

Entering the quiet town lined with nice cottages and brick walkways, people waved to Victoria and always said, “Good day.” or “So nice to see you again, Lady Victoria.”


No fullstop after the word "day".

As they walked down the roads lined with beautiful cottages and a few tiny shops marked with wooden display signs for meats or a bakery.


This is grammatically incorrect for a number of reasons.

1. If you are starting a sentence with "as", you are connecting the verb with another action or idea. E.g: As they walked down the roads, they saw beautiful cottages and a few tiny shops..

2. There should be commas to help the sentence flow more nicely.

3. Technically, the phase "display signs for meats or a bakery" does not make sense. I suggest, "display signs that said "bakery" or "butchery".

If you follow that, the sentence above should be like this:

As they walked down the roads, they saw beautiful cottages and a few tiny shops, marked with wooden display signs that said "bakery" or "buthery".


And even with my changes, I still don't like the sentence, probably because of the number of adjectives in it, which slows down the flow of the sentence.

"Satori!” cried out Victoria as she went around to the spiral staircase as a beautiful woman descended the stairs quickly.


This is also grammatically incorrect. 1. You used "as" twice in the same sentence. 2. The second "as" does not connect to another idea or action. 3. It really does not make sense.

This is how I would write it:

"Satori!" cried out Victoria as she went around to the spiral staircase and hurried down.


You don't need beautiful as you should be showing as that. You don't need the adverb "quickly" as that is just telling. You should be showing to us as to how she hurried down the stairs.

Wearing a blue and white dress similar to Victoria's dress, but made of cotton instead.


Now I am lost. Who exactly is wearing that blue and white dress? Is there another person heading down the stairs? If so, you have to show that more clearly in your previous sentences.

With long flowing black hair and a soft small yellowish face she was a merchant from far to the east.


Comma after "face".

Satori's face lit up as she looked at Avalon's soft face and long hair, grinning she whispered to Victoria, “Nice catch!”


This should be separated into two sentences. Therefore, there should be a fullstop instead of a comma after the word "hair" and the "g" in "grinning" should be capital.

Leaning back against the wall, Satori sighed and wrapped her arms over her small chest, “Just when I thought you finally grown into a woman, you go straight back to childhood.”


Find another word for "leaning" as you have used the word "leaning" quite closely, causing a feel of repetition.

Until the two were inches apart staring angrily into each others eyes


This should had been combined with the previous sentence. Also, there should be a comma after the word "apart".

Satori sticked out her tongue and the two broke out in laughter as a confused Avalon stared blankly at the two.


Again, repetition. You used "stare" quite closely.

“Oh! I'll make some tea for us.” gasped Satori as she ran down the corridor and into the spacious kitchen of their bakery.


Comma after "us" instead of a fullstop. I think you should had been able to show how the kitchen was spacious.

Victoria sat down on the ground and looked at Avalon, suggesting he sit down to. Avalon cast a look around for chairs before finally sitting down on the wood floor and looking over to Victoria, “Where are the chairs?”


Victoria sat down on the ground and looked at Avalon, suggesting him to sit down.

Carrying three cups of tea, Satori came back into the room and gave out the cups before sitting down on the floor between Victoria and Avalon. Back pressed against the wall and knees tucked into her chest, Satori sipped from her cup before asking, “Any word from the Council?”


Repetition again. Cups used three times in this paragraph. Also, omit "Back" in the second sentence of the paragraph and replace it with "With backs". That would make the sentence grammatically correct.

Satori gasped, “During a war those old codgers are on vacation?”


Comma after "war".

Quickly taken up in Mati's strong, but tiny arms, Victoria fought against the tight hug restricting her breathing.


Quickly taken up in Mati's strong, but tiny arms, Victoria fought agains the hug which restricted her breathing. Omit "tight" as it is obvious that the hug is tight if it had restricted Victoria's breathing.

Asking cutely and brushing back her short black hair, “When did you get here, Victoria?”


Can you show as to how she was asking Victoria in a cute manner?

Victoria let out a soft sigh, “Wonderful, father is ready for war. Learning of this will plunge everyone into another war.”


Repetition of the word "sigh".

Mati tilted her head, trying to understand Victoria's comment, but Satori cheerfully replied, “Don't be to hasty, it won't last for long. Krieg was ordered to bust the blockade. Maybe that Kirtner knows something?”


"Too" not "to".

Placing it between the two pieces of bread she handed him the sandwich.


Comma after the word "bread".

Together they took a bite into the sandwich and both happily said, “So good!” Fresh baked bread and delicious cured steak was a better meal that Avalon got to finally enjoy.


Both said happily.

Avalon softly shook his head and took another bite into his rapidly disappearing sandwich. Mati nodded softly and patted him on the shoulder, “It'll come back. Its not everyday someone floats ashore, beaten to a pulp and-”


Repetition of "nod".

“I am fine. This is a really good meal!” he said, taking the last bite of the delicious steak sandwich.


Have we not established that the steak sandwich was delicious?

Victoria appeared at the threshold to the kitchen, overhearing Mati's words she smiled at Avalon and said, “You could stay with us if you want.

Avalon smiled weakly at Victoria and headed over to her, “Thank you for the meal, Mati.”

Mati smiled warmly at Avalon and called out, “Victoria. I'll see you at the festival, right?”

“Father finally accepted and gave me my mother's pendent.” she said, pointing to the pendant that hung so naturally off of her, that it already seemed to be a part of her everyday appearance.


Whoa, three "smiles" used very closely. It's like you don't have any other better way of showing their emotions.

“Father finally accepted and gave me my mother's pendent.” she said, pointing to the pendant that hung so naturally off of her, that it already seemed to be a part of her everyday appearance.


Father finally accepted and gave my mother's pendent to me. No comma in front of "her".

“Thank you, I am fine now.” Avalon said, still shaken from the sudden impact.


Comma instead of a full stop after the word "now".

Overall impressions:

This was a nightmare to read, mostly due to your grammar errors. Please, spend some time editing your work for these errors.( I think I may have missed out on some grammatical errors because of how many there were.) Another reason why you should be editing is the amount of repetition in the piece. You used the same words several times, making the writing quite boring and dull and doesn't leave a good impression for the reader.

Your sentence structure was also a bit uniform. You have sentences starting with a pronoun + a verb so often that it also contributed to the tediousness and dull nature of the piece. I suggest you find other ways of writing the sentences. Make it flow more vibrantly. I think think of several ways of breaking up the uniform sentences.

You also told more than showed. You used adverbs and adjectives as substitutes for showing. Because of that, the senses in this piece are not present. More imagery and descriptions are needed to involve the reader more with your piece. Do not use adverbs and adjectives as a way of getting out of the hard work. It just doesn't work that well. You want to keep them to a minimum.

You also missed out on some characterization. Actions done by the character were not elaborated further and didn't fit the characters very well. This is because you do not comment or explain as to why they did that or this. There needs to be more comments into the characters and elaboration on what they do and their emotions. You only had your characters doing something, but there's no substance to back it up.

The dialogue does help somewhat in characterizing them, but they weren't that creative and special. It's just typical dialogue.

That's all I have to say. Please, be sure to edit this and improve the realism and characterization of this piece.

I hope this critique helped.
Andy.
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."



Have you met a cow or another large animal?
— Liminality