My Crazy Depression

Sitting in my bed carrying sorrows, sadness, depression, and loneliness.
Crying, being mad at the world, and getting tied.
Now I think I am brainwashed from my crazy depression.

First off, this is WAY too short. It isn't a haiku, so there's no justification for the length - or lack of - and I think it ended too abruptly.

You need to clarify a lot more in this. Why are you depressed? More importantly, why should I care?
I didn't just say that to be mean, you know. Seriously; you give no reason for the reader to care about your feelings and therefore, I don't.

Imagery - you need more of it. Describe your tears staining your blankets; what it means to you; describe the cruelties the world has dealt unto you. This is a rather cliched but if its what you're going through, no sweat. There's nothing you can do if you have cliched emotions, now is there?

Anyways, please feel free to PM me if you were confused by this or if you have any questions/comments!

Cheers,
Camille

Listen to Camille (Ayra) she's a smart one!


First off, you need to know that there is a big difference between poetry and journal writing/blog posts. like Camille said: why should I care? You have to make your reader care about the speaker, and relate to their feelings. You also have to say why you have these feelings. But you don't say them, you paint a picture with words.

I seriously suggest getting a collection of poetry and reading it. If you want to wander around the site, look for: Via, Amelia, Caligulas_Launderette, Incandescence, Whence.

I certainly agree with Camille and Suzie.

As an experiment, try eliminating all the emotion-words from this poem:

Sitting in my bed carrying [s]sorrows[/s], [s]sadness[/s], [s]depression[/s], and [s]loneliness[/s].
Crying, being [s]mad[/s] at the world, and getting tied. (tired?)
Now I think I am brainwashed from my crazy [s]depression[/s].

Now try.

"Depression" is an already overused word, both in pop culture and teen angst poetry. You're not helping it by saying it twice.

As Suzanne suggested, read some poetry. If you like contemporary stuff, I recommend Billy Collins, Li-Young Lee, or Hayden Carruth.

ermm.. there's somthing missing..

First off: I got nothin' against short poetry. I'm all about short poetry. I think that it can be done well, but this just doesn't do it.

Have you ever heard the old adage "show, don't tell"? It's applies to poetry, too. Don't tell us your narrator is depressed - show us how that feels and what that looks like. Depression is a powerful thing, but this is not a powerful poem. I feel like you rely too much on the general knowledge of what depression is instead of making the reader feel it. This is what the major problem with this poem is: it's way too general. There's nothing in it that makes it uniquely yours.