Blue Steam

The last steamboat was leaving.

I stood in line with the other soon-to-be travelers, checking my watch every two minutes and shifting weight from foot to foot anxiously. Those in line payed little attention to their neighbor. A heavy blanket of expectation weighed us all down; our thoughts were directed inward. No one spoke. Petite coughs could be heard up and down the queue, vague snifflings and throat clearings. But not a word. Not today.

I carried my black briefcase in my hand. It held all my luggage, everything I'd need for the journey. My journal. My special pen, my towel. A few hastily scribbled-on postcards I was going to send but never had the chance to. They told us not to bring many things, so I didn't. I saw that the majority disregarded the advice, judging by the things they brought along: overstuffed knapsacks and trolleys overflowing with random crap. Probably didn't trust a word the "Establishment" told them, and I guess I didn't blame them.

One thing everyone had in common was the black sunglasses. Looked like we were blind, and maybe we all were, in a way. They told us we could take them off on the other side, and I was looking forward to it. The glasses made my eyelids sweaty. I noticed a small kid further up had taken his off for the moment to wipe his brow. I looked away from the ruckus it provoked, but silently felt sorry for his crying parents.

Birds cawed from up above, and I looked up with my hand over my eyes. They circled us, eyed us. No doubt looking for the one idiot of the group. The one who would swim. There was always one who'd swim for it. You'd read about it in the paper every other day, the one person in line who decided they could get away. They never -- never -- got away: they were dragged down every time. Right? That's what they told us. I was always skeptical of the supposed outcome, but I wasn't going to try it. Maybe next time. I shook my heads at the birds. No food for you here today, with any luck.

I took three steps forward. Slow line.

The boat was huge. The biggest ever built. It floated out there on the sand, its wooden frame creaking in the breeze, waiting for a new round of passengers. How many had been on it? Countless millions, I figured; billions, even. No way to tell for sure. No one kept track, after all.

I absently pulled a leaf off of a nearby tree. Felt its texture, its shape. Metal trees, tin leaves. The plants wouldn't be metal where we were going, that's what they told us. I was going to miss the golden ones, the silver ones. What would they be like, in this new world? What would they feel like? I bent the leaf into a curl, cutting myself in the process. Red blood dripped out of the slit in my finger; I brought it up to my mouth and sucked it. My blood tasted like bronze.

I stumbled forward: someone shoved me. I looked back and gave them a dirty look. I'm going, I'm going. Took a few more steps.

A bearded man in a suit was coming down the line, checking our I.D. He reached me and held out his hand. I dug into my pocket and retrieved my card, gave it to him, and took it back without a word. Routine procedure. My eyes followed the man as he walked further down the line.

My leg buzzed. I almost jumped, but stopped myself just in time. Phone on vibrate.

I discreetly sneaked the phone out of my pocket and held it at waist-level, where I could see it. A text message:

"dont 4get ur lunch"

I hadn't. I had my lunch in my back pocket.

Here we were. I had reached the entrance to the steamboat. I handed my ticket to a man; he waved me inside. I stepped onto the rickety planks that made up the ship. Got out of people's way and leaned on the rail.

That was everybody. The boat held all it could hold. Everyone else would have to wait. The people left behind gazed forlornly up at the ship, and I felt sorry for them. I looked at them apologetically. I'm sorry. Next time.

We pulled out of the dock, setting sail amidst the dunes. Grit-fish leaped up out of the sand, gnashing their teeth at the ship furiously. The big blue sun cast its last rays of light on us as it retreated, sinking into the horizon, giving way to night.

A few gunshots were heard from the beach. I turned away.

Hey Proky!

Stopped by to leave a review

I reckon this is either the beginning or an excerpt. You had a lot of description but it wasn't boring to read; it didn't feel like an info dump partly because of your style, it's concise and to the point. I didn't find any sentences that were thrown in for the sake of it so kudos for that. Oh, AND the fact that your grammar is top notch!

Character wise, I couldn't get a lot about the MC except in the end, he looks up and feels bad for the people left on this mysterious land. Metal leaves, and bronze-flavored blood?! Very interesting. Are they going to..earth??

I can't really say anything else except where's the next part?!

Nice one Proky,

--starry.

Hey, Prok.

Petite coughs could be heard up and down the queue,

Never heard a cough described as "petite" before. I suppose it works, but it bothers me a little.

They told us not to bring many things, so I didn't.

I think "didn't" should be "hadn't," there.

I dug into my pocket and retreived my card, gave it to him, and took it back without a word.

You use "and" twice in the space of a few words. Maybe you could change the first: "to retrieve my card..."

I discreetly sneaked the phone out of my pocket and held it at waist-level,

I thought that the "discreetly" was rather redundant there. If you're sneaking it from your pocket, then it's a given that you'll be dicreet.

Here we were. I had reached the entrance to the steamboat. I handed my ticket to a man; he waved me inside. I stepped onto the rickety planks that made up the ship. Got out of people's way and leaned on the rail.

Most of your sentences there start with "I." Try to vary them a little.

That's all I found. This was really good. The subject was interesting, although we didn't get too much into the main character. I'd be interested in seeing more of this.

-Mat

Try not to put extra info or it could not work out well next time. But this time it was pretty good. So don't push anymore information than you need to.

Whoops, forgot to thank you guys -- thanks! There's no other part(s) to this, though; it's flash fiction. I meant it to be ambiguous.

Thanks again!

Prokaryote

That was really well-written and intriguing. It kept my attention the whole way, and even though I would love to learn more about the situation, the world, the main character, I like that this is just a short glimpse into the world of yours.

One [negative] thing I noticed is that you tend to leave out the "he" "she" "I" "we" type words (I'm not sure what part of speech they are)... I guess it's a stylistic thing, but I thought I'd point it out in case you weren't aware of it... here are a few examples. I have added the bold words in brackets.

[ They ] Probably didn't trust a word the "Establishment" told them, and I guess I didn't blame them.

[ We ] Looked like we were blind, and maybe we all were, in a way.

[ I ] Got out of people's way and leaned on the rail.

...Those are just a few examples, and some of them I will deal with in the rest of my critique.

Another thing you tend to do is use very short sentences. In some places they can be very effective, but if you overuse them they lose their punch and become choppy and annoying to read.

Onto the nitpicks--

Petite coughs could be heard up and down the queue, vague snifflings and throat clearings.

I agree with Insomnia, "petite" doesn't work very well here. It makes it seem like you had typed "small" or "little" but didn't like it, so used MS's thesaurus. *ehem* Try a more creative word... "delicate" "tentative" "muffled" ... depending on what word you use, it could really help set the mood.

My journal. My special pen, my towel. A few hastily scribbled-on postcards I was going to send but never had the chance to.

This is one of those places where your sentences are too short. You should combine all these together... or at least the first two: "My journal, my special pen, my towel--a few hastily scribbled-on postcards I was going to send but never had the chance to."

One thing everyone had in common were the black sunglasses.

Nitpick: should be "was" not "were"

They told us we could take them off on the other side, and I was looking forward to it. The glasses made my eyelids sweaty.

These two sentences should be joined with a semi-colon. [;]

I looked away from the ruckus it provoked, but silently felt sorry for his crying parents.

Part of me likes the vagueness of this... part of me says you should go into more detail describing the rukus (before he turns away) and the shouts and cries he can hear (after he turns away)

There was always one who'd swim for it. You'd read about it in the paper every other day, the one person in line who decided they could get away.

These two sentences should be joined with a semi-colon as well.

Maybe next time. I shook my heads at the birds. No food for you here today, with any luck.

This is completely a matter of opinion, but I think the thoughts should be italicized (especially because they are at the end of the piece.) Here it would be "maybe next time" and "no food for you here today, with any luck."

The boat was huge. The biggest ever built.

This is telling rather than showing. You need to SHOW us that it's huge, you need to SHOW us its overwhelming form looming out of the water.

II stumbled forward: someone shoved me. I looked back and gave them a dirty look. I'm going, I'm going. Took a few more steps.

Firstly, this should be a semi-colon rather than a colon. Secondly, I think that should be "someone HAD shoved me." Thirdly, I think "I'm going, I'm going" should be in italics. Fourhtly, you should combine the last two sentences: "I'm going, I'm going, I thought/said as I took a few more steps."

I handed my ticket to a man; he waved me inside. I stepped onto the rickety planks that made up the ship. Got out of people's way and leaned on the rail.

Sentence#1>>I think this would go better as "I handed the man my ticket AND he waved me inside."
Sentences #2 and 3>> these should be combined to be: "I stepped onto the rickety planks that made up the ship, [quickly] getting out of people's way and leaned on the rail."

The boat held all it could hold.

Get rid of "hold" and just have it be, "The boat held [or "was holding"] all it could."

A few gunshots were heard from the beach.

This is passive voice, not a good idea. Make it "I heard a few gunshots from the beach." or "WE heard a few gunshots from the beach." Something.
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Hope this helped! Please feel free to PM me if I was unclear about anything!

~Azila~

Thank you Azila! ^_^

Prokaryote

Hi, "proks",
I liked the idea of the story and really all the neat words that you came up with;
like "petit" and so forth.
lay out was good and the fact that you caught my attention was amazing!
I think you should have continued and made it a small novel.
You can go real far stories and i hope reconsider and make another chapter.
have fun!
shanan-cat

Wow. Do you always write so awesomely? I hope that's a word.

There really isn't much to say. Grammar was spot on, and that's usually what I'm best at finding. But I'm determined to make this a 50 point critique! So bear with me.

I was kinda thinking that this was a WW2 story, but then your phone vibrated, and that went down the drain. I thought the text was a bit... er... random? Don't forget your lunch? Er... What? Also, I think you should include who sent the text. That would give us even more of a greater flash fiction. It would really bring this story to life.

Wow. I'm amazed. This was really good. I want to read more. Too bad it's a flash fiction.

-Jared

EDIT: Awwh. It was only 44.4 points.