Silence

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Silence rips the air as a sudden movement is caught by the eye of each person. A cough catches in someone’s chest causing a dull thudding sound. Whose turn is now? Who will go? A short, thick finger is pointed towards me. My eyes grow wide as I hear the gruff voice. “You there, come.”

Three simple words, but, to me, a death sentence at a mere eight years of age. I’d always thought my sister would come with me, but as I walk this narrow path towards the short, plump man, I realize she isn’t there. She hasn’t followed me, but who am I to blame her? Everyone fears this walk. Even the boys, who act fearless and indestructible when he isn’t in sight, cower at the mere sound of his steps in the hallway.

I can’t help but glance back at the one person who swore I’d never walk this path alone, and, to my shock, he is walking with me. He looks defiantly to the thick man. He’d not been called out, but still he traveled the path. A thick finger is thrust his way. “You there,” the gruff voice declares, “Stop.”

The one person who stood with me looks him in the eye and continues to walk. “Sir,” the young boy’s voice rings clear, “I can’t do that.”

At ten years old, Verren Shom stands as my hero, following my path and sacrificing his own. I can’t say I could’ve done the same. My eyes leave him as my title is spoken.

“You there,” I see the finger pointing to me again, “Stop.”

I obey. Verren stops abruptly, waiting for my path to continue. My eyes find his. ‘You don’t have to.’ I mouth, but his eyes say it all. He wants to. He won’t leave me alone as my sister has. Where I go, he goes. This path is not mine, but ours.

The gruff voice speaks again. “You there,” it says, thrusting a finger at him; then at me, “Come.”

Many have walked this path. Few have returned. None have forced him to call them out, until now, until Verren. He steps from the crowd of other children, ranging in age from five to seventeen, and drapes one long arm over my thin shoulders. His confidence shines true. I smile, knowing he is there and will never leave me. I wonder if we will be among the few who return, if we will even want to.

I see the Thick Man walk to a Slim Woman and Small Man as we enter another room. All I hear of his voice are gruff echoes as he speaks quietly to the Slim Woman. She looks at us, a smile on her face, and nods. I see her lips for the words “I’ll take both of them, then.” The Small Man offers a comment as well, but I miss it as Verren guides me to my room to pack.

“I’m two doors down getting my own things if you need me. Otherwise, don’t leave the room until I come to get you.”

I nod, too scared to speak.

His mouth curves up. “You’ll be okay.” His green eyes sparkle, “We’re free now, as long as these people want us.”

Verren had been among the few to return, covered in soot. He never talked about what happened and why he came back, but he no longer feared the call after that.

My eyes follow him as he walks from the room that I share with twelve other girls. Once he’s gone, I move to pack my few belongings: A couple of hand-me-down outfits, a stuffed bear with a missing eye, a worn blanket, a locket containing a picture of Verren and picture of my sister, and a pictured of my parents in a broken frame. I shove all but the locket into my army green, thread bear book-bag and sit silently on the creaky bed, waiting for Verren.

Verren offers a smile of encouragement as he returns for me. Fear clings to me until his gentle hand touches min. Then, knowing he’ll protect me, the fear flees. I stand, gripping his hand, and walk towards the Small Man and Slim Woman. She’s turning in the papers the Thick Man gave her. The Thick Man is grinning ear to ear. Two more brats gone is his thought. The Slim Woman kneels down, a false smile on her face. The sparkle is missing from her grey eyes; that’s how you tell the smile is false. Verren pulls me in front of him, never letting go of my hand. His arm slips protectively over my shoulder and across my chest.

His dull blue bag is on the floor next to him. He has less than me. One spare outfit, a pocket watch with a picture of my sister and I together inside, and a picture of his dad that he keeps folded in his pocket. He had more before he walked the path that first time, but returned with only the watch and pictures.

As they gesture for us to leave Verren picks up his bag and then gently guides me forward. We walk silently. I glance over my shoulder to where the large red door blocks the others from seeing our final path. As they do the chores behind that door, we walk to what Verren says is freedom.

Then the light hits my face as Verren guides me through the door with an ‘Exit’ sign above it. My eyes shut instantly against the pain. I blink a few times and continue blindly. The pressure of Verren’s hand against my back is the only thing keeping me from fleeing, back to the safety of the building. We are loaded into a black, shining car. As we start to drive away, I see a man in an old, rusted, yellow car. He smiles, not false, but a true smile. He wants one of us, not for show, but for love.

I look over to Verren for the first time since leaving my room. “They don’t want us.” I whisper.

“It’s better than him.” He’s referring to the Thick Man. I know he’s right.

There had originally been twenty of us; ages ranging from five to fifteen, but some left and more came. Soon there were twenty-five of us. The highest age changed to seventeen. My sister, Verren and I were the only remaining originals. Now, my sister is the last original, the last one there who knows what the originals suffered.

As I stare out the window, one hand wrapped around my locket, I think about all that. My eyes blink away tears. Verren is lost in his thoughts as well. I glance over at him, but his face is blank. So, I turn back to the trees and fields whizzing past my window. I’m shocked when I hear a small, shaky voice speak.

“You two will love your new home.” It’s the Slim Woman.

Verren’s strong voice responds. “Of course. I loved my first and my second true home. Why not this one?” By his first, he meant with his father and, of course, his second is the first time he was called out. They don’t know that, though. I see the shock in her eyes through the rearview mirror as she stutters her response.

“T... two homes?”

“Yes, ma’am. One before Mr. Lernor’s and one I was placed in by him, but I don’t want to talk about that.”

Relief floods her features as she changes her approach. “Would you two like to go shopping?”

“Shopping?” I whisper. I’d never heard that word.

Verren’s mouth curves up into an amused smile as he explains. “Shopping is when you go out and buy new things.”

The Slim Woman looks worriedly at me through the mirror. “We’ll get you some new clothes and shoes. What do you say?”

“Sounds alright to me.” Verren pipes up. “It’ll be fun, Tessie.”

“Okay” I timidly stick my thumb in my mouth. That’s always been a habit of mine, but as soon as it’s in the Slime Woman turns around in her seat and plucks it out.

“We can’t have any of that, now.” She flashes a false smile, which turns into a glare when Verren pulls my hand free of hers.

“Don’t touch her unless she says you can.”

“You little brat. I’ll touch her when I want, you hear me?” She slaps his mouth. In response, Verren slaps her.

I’ve never seen anyone’s face turn so res. I think she’s going to kill him!

“Verren,” I whisper and lay my hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay. Don’t make her take you back.”

His hard eyes soften. I don’t understand why he’s so protective. His strong voice is soft and caring as he speaks. “She won’t take me back, Tessy. I won’t let her separate us.”

He looks at the Slim Woman and flashes a bright grin. “I’m sorry, ma’am. I won’t do it again. It’s just I promised to protect Tesicona. You invading her personal space this soon seemed threatening to me.”

The false smile is lathered across her face again. “How old are you two?”

“He didn’t tell you?”

“No.”

“I’m ten and Tesicona is eight.”

I just stare at them, waiting to see what will happen.

The Slim Woman turns back around and uses the mirror to watch us once more. “Tesicona, dear, is Verren your brother?”

I laugh. I try not to, but I can’t help it. “N... no. I only have a sister.”

She nods. “Just a close friend then?”

Without thinking, I blurt out “Verren’s my hero.”

Silence fills the car. I cower in my seat, thinking I said something wrong. Verren has an ear-to-ear grin. He understands.
The Small Man chuckles, “Is that why he came instead of your sister?”

“Sir, he’s my hero because he came. No one wants to walk the path, but he did, for me.”

“Now who wouldn’t want to be adopted?”

“It’s not that, sir. Aside from out first homes, this is the only place we know. No one knows what happens to those called out. The few who return never talk about it. They fear being led away by the Thick Man.”

“The... Thick Man?”

“She means Mr. Lernor. Only those of us who have returned know his name.” Verren speaks before I can.

The Small Man nods. “What do you mean by ‘called out’?”

“The Thick Man comes to our work room and chooses whose turn it is to walk the path. The person chosen is called out.” I say, barely above a whisper.

The Small Man shakes his head, not understanding. I turn back to the window. It’s now building whirring past. My eyes follow them up and up. They seem to touch the sky! Suddenly the car slows and pulls into a very wide and long road filled with parked cars. There are lights outside! I see a building across the road, but I can’t read the sign over it.




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Silence rips the air as a sudden movement is caught by the eye of each person. A cough catches in someone’s chest causing a dull thudding sound. Whose turn is now? Who will go? A short, thick finger is pointed towards me. My eyes grow wide as I hear the gruff voice. “You there, come.”

- The first sentence is awkward here. Perhaps saying “a sudden movement is caught in the collective eyes of all present?” – I’m not sure, but the way you have it currently is awkward to read. Mainly because of “each person” I think. The movement itself is clear.

Three simple words, but, to me, a death sentence at a mere eight years of age.

- The commas stick out here. I think you could make “Three simple words” into a statement with a full stop, and then begin from there. It makes the entire sentence sound a little more sinister as well.

Verren offers a smile of encouragement as he returns for me. Fear clings to me until his gentle hand touches min.


“his gentle hand touches mine” – you’re missing the ‘e’. I would also suggest placing speech marks around the thought of the Thick Man. To clearly identify it as a thought.


As we start to drive away, I see a man in an old, rusted, yellow car. He smiles, not false, but a true smile. He wants one of us, not for show, but for love.

- Here I find that “old, rusted, yellow car” jars a small bit. If you wrote “rusting yellow care” I think it would flow better as well as keeping your intended meaning.


That’s always been a habit of mine, but as soon as it’s in the Slime Woman turns around in her seat and plucks it out.

- I think you meant “Slim Woman” ^^

I’ve never seen anyone’s face turn so res. I think she’s going to kill him!

- “red” – not “res” ^^


His hard eyes soften. I don’t understand why he’s so protective. His strong voice is soft and caring as he speaks. “She won’t take me back, Tessy. I won’t let her separate us.”

- Here you’ve switched spelling her name from “Tessie” to “Tessy” – either way is fine, but chosing one would help… Spell check likes “Tessie” better. Hehe.

“She means Mr. Lernor. Only those of us who have returned know his name.” Verren speaks before I can.

- I get the feeling here that Verren didn’t want Tessie talking so much… but he doesn’t stop her. Its not important, just something interesting that caught my eye.


In a general way you use names a bit more often than seems necessary, although it doesn’t disrupt the flow of the piece it does look a little odd, and is noticeable. That said, I adore the names you chose, they’re always so good and interesting.

Tsk, you end on a cliff hanger indeed. Merely because I’m so very interested in what’s going to happen! I hope you have more planned, dear, because I cannot wait to read more.

Nice Work.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I like you as an enemy, but I love you as a friend.




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Hey, Reakeda! This was great. I loved the mystery of it all. Also, this had a nice pace and you avoided infodumping!

*applauds*

Now, onto my critique.

Reakeda wrote:Three simple words, but, to me,


I think the comma after "but" is unnecessary.

Reakeda wrote:I can’t help but glance back at the one person who swore I’d never walk this path alone, and, to my shock, he is walking with me.


I think the comma after "and" isn't needed either.

Reakeda wrote:The one person who stood with me looks him in the eye and continues to walk.


"Stood" should be "stands."

Reakeda wrote:‘You don’t have to.’ I mouth, but his eyes say it all.


The period in quotations should be a comma.

Reakeda wrote:The gruff voice speaks again. “You there,” it says, thrusting a finger at him; then at me, “Come.”


This sentence is a little awkward. It sounds like the voice is thrusting its finger. Maybe you should put in something like "it says, as the Thick Man thrusts a finger at him;"

Reakeda wrote: I shove all but the locket into my army green, thread bear book-bag and sit silently on the creaky bed, waiting for Verren.


This is kind of nitpicky, but how can you sit silently if the bed creaks? I know you mean she doesn't speak, but it seemed a little awkward to me. However, if you don't agree, don't change it. Like I said, I'm nitpicky.

Two more brats gone is his thought.


It's usually best to italicize thoughts.

Reakeda wrote:The sparkle is missing from her grey eyes; that’s how you tell the smile is false.


I liked this line. :D

Reakeda wrote:As they gesture for us to leave, Verren picks up his bag and then gently guides me forward.


You need to add the comma bolded there.

Reakeda wrote:“They don’t want us.” I whisper.


That first period should be a comma.

---

Besides a few grammar flubs, this was very nice! As I said, this had a nice sense of mystery. Also, I liked your names. They're kind of odd, and they remind me of my own characters' names.

Keep up the good work!

Love,

Haley
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That defiantly caught my attention. I liked the way you made the orphanage foreign, evil, and sad. You put it together from a child’s perspective making everything seem “simple” but not at all boring.
Keep writing!
CHADWICK




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You've made a few grammatical mistakes, but in general, this is a very good piece of writing. I really like the way you've written from a very simple point of view and yet still managed to create such a fascinating piece. Please, please write more - I must know what happens next!
Bkwrm




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You totally kept my attention through the whole thing. I like how you didn't realize that it was an orphanage until later in the story.

On to the critique...

I, personally, am not a fan of capitalizing things like "Slim Woman" or "Thick Man." I like the effect of not knowing their real names, but i think it could be lower case and keep the effect.

I found it a bit unbelievable at parts. You'd adopt someone without ever meeting them?
You'd adopt TWO someones without any questions asked? You are eight years old and never even heard of shopping? I could go on, but it's all similar points.
I did like the whole mystery feeling and the thought that these kids are so deprived, isolated, etc. However, i think explanation is required because right now it just confuses me. Maybe they live in a different country? Maybe the story is set in the past? Be creative! If you explain a bit, I (as one reader) would definitely be satisfied, and it might appeal to more people.

So anywho, nice job. write more!
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I really liked this. it had good flow for the most. It was very interesting and I think you got the emotions of the kids almost perfect and it made me think about the fact that the home is sometimes all the know. keep up the good work



Monster is a relative term. To a canary, a cat is a monster. We're just used to being the cat.
— Henry Wu, "Jurassic World"