Love I Have Found

I will tell you right now that I am NOT a poet. I know very little about the art of poetry, but I thought that I would give it a try to see what I could do. Tell me how I did for a first attempt, please. =)

---

In your eyes I nearly drown,
I feel my heart sink through the ground.
When you are near, there is no sound,
No noise, nobody is around.
And when you make my heartbeat pound?
I know in you, love I have found.

The best advice I can think to give you right now: avoid cliches. ^_^ Your first two lines are horribly cliched.

I think you rhymed well, though. The rhyme scheme you chose isn't an easy one to work with, and I think you pulled it off well.

Yeah, ditto. The first two lines are really cliched, but the rhyming is very good.

The only thing that bothered me was that you seem to have written this poem more for you than for the reader. Oh god, I've said this like, a gazillion times tonight.
But its true. Why should I care about you and your, er, love? You haven't given me any reasons to, and I think you should. Focus on what you want the reader to feel and try to entwine that into the poem.

Keep writing,
Camille

Thanks so much for your opinions, guys! Now that I look back, my first two lines do seem pretty cliche. But, anyway, it was fun coming up with that little poem, so I may try another that sounds a bit more original and expresses more than just what I'm, as the author, feeling.

Thanks for the rhyme scheme praise. Nice to know that I did that right, seeing as how that was what I the most worried about.

Love,
~*Syd*~

=D It was pretty. D;= But I was instantly bored because the first two lines are too normal, not "different". I could go into a random love poetry book and see something very close to those to lines. =D Maybe(watch, this will be for giggles because I'm just winging it. XD I don't mind you laughing at my bad writing skizzels! XD)

"Your eyes are a strange brown,
Something I found"
and so on and so on.

D;= wow, I even thought those two lines were kinda bad. D;= who said I was good at writing the poetry? =D I'm just good at reading and giving opinions.

it's beautiful!

Your poem was really good for your first try.l
Your rhyming was great too.

But you should try to show and not tell next time, although you did show and not tell a few times.

Great Job

Well I disagree with Sureal. It's definately well done for a first try. I liked it though I think that after some advice that it could be better.

Keep writing!


~Loz

Wow. I can't believe I actually did this right! Thank you so much to all of you who have critiqued/reviewed. Much appreciated.

As said before, I may write another one. Poetry is fun. ^_^ And I will try to avoid the cliche lines this time.

Lurv,
~*Sydney*~

I thought this was very sweet, a little cliche yes, but very nice.

Wow! For your first time of submitting this poem, I have to say that I am really impressed by this piece. It was simple but possessed an elegance that was so captivating. Your words flowed beautifully and you made me feel what you felt. That's what poetry is all about! It's about making your audience feel the passion of what you have experienced or the particular subject your trying to convey. It's a moment suspended by time and the lyrics of a sound that mesmerizes and makes one think. I really enjoyed it a lot.

In your eyes I nearly drown,

This was my favorite part of your poem. I could picture two people in love starring at each other and losing themselves in the love they share. Your opening line was incredible and it drew me in automatically.

And when you make my heartbeat pound?
I know in you, love I have found.

In this part I think you should lose the (and) and start the line off by [When you make my heart pound, I know in you, love I have found] I think this would be a really good start for this line. Other than that I thought it was great! Keep writing, I hope to see some more of your work.

Nice poem. Considering it's your first attempt at poetry,this is what I'll say for the future:
Next time try to really depict your emotions and I know rhyming is a part of some poetry but poetry itself is meant for expression. Keep it original and refreshing. But again it's good for a first try. Next time forget what you read in other poems and consider more what you're feeling inside or how a subject makes you feel. My advice to you would be to just stop worrying too much about it rhyming and just write feelings and ideas first. Then if you really want to rhyme , stick to the feelings and find synonyms that rhymes and write it down. I hope to be reading more poetry from you soon. Keep at it and you'll see the difference. I hope this helps.

p.s: I would also like if you could review my works too it would be greatly appreciated

Three
Hi there, I like to pick on random pieces to review, and yours happened to be the one at the top of the page on the random generator thing. Anyway, I think I shall go over the actual poem and then do a small critique, as this is rather short:

In your eyes I nearly drown,

One of the worst possible ways you could begin a poem is with a cliche, it puts off your readers and is rather annoying. Furthermore I agree with Camille, about us not caring. If you're going to write a poem about love make it relateable, that, I will come on to later.

I feel my heart sink through the ground.

Another cliche. However, your heart sinking has a rather negative feel to it, which you evidently don't intend. You need to make sure your words are saying what you want them to convey to your audience. The thing about poetry is that it's an art, not just anything.

When you are near, there is no sound,

Eh... actually there is sound, maybe you don't feel like there's any sound, but in reality there is. What you mean here is that nothing in the outside world matters more than the person you love, say that, instead of coating your poem in sickly cliches.

No noise, nobody is around.

The way you repeat yourself is very annoying. To be honest I don't care if you love someone, you haven't made me care enough, and repetition in order to get your point across is ruining this poem even more.

And when you make my heartbeat pound?

Is this a question? No. Is it a sort of subjective opinion that you could pass off as a pondering and question? No, Therefore we do not use a question mark.

I know in you, love I have found.

The last line, to be frank, sounds like something out of a disney movie.

So I shall try and do a small critique now, please be aware that you are entitled to disagree with me &c,

And then and then and then and then
Seeing as it annoys me so much I've decided to start with repetition. Do not repeat yourself in order to get your point across.

Just be careful of that, it really, really annoys me, so I decided to make it clear that I do not encourage repetition, when not done correctly, comprendi?

And what of the poets?
Poetry is not simply a toss up of words and emotions. It is an art, one that is done most delicately and can imprint upon the reader opinions and feelings that they shall possess for ever.

If you wish to convey something to your audience think carefully about it. Do it with care, do not simply write it, work hard on it, add imagery, make it an art form as it truly is.

Remember, poetry is not simply anything, it is a most hard art to master, keep attempting and eventually you should get it.

Eh...

This point has already been picked up on, but I feel it is important, and decided to re cover it.

Why should we care that you're in love? To an extent we do, we're happy for you, but we don't want to read poem after poem about how you're in love with a perfect, wonderful guy that makes the rest of the world disappear.

Love is something that can help a lot with poetry. What if you made this poem about humanity in general instead of about you? That way we'd be able to empathise without you boring us.

Continue

Poetry takes practise, you've started writing it, which is good, so just keep writing. xD


Sorry about the short-ness of this review, but the poem is rather short so...

~Kirsten