My Love

As I sit all alone
starring into pure nothingness,
the bitter sweet sting of tears
burning my inmobile eye,
I think of him.
The man who made me feel the pain in my soul.
Emptiness, nothingness, solitaire.
Ever since him
I feel like someone has taken out my heart
and filled the hole with gravel.
My saltwater tears rapidly reproduce
As if needing to do so to live.
Looking back to when he killed all my hopes and dreams
more tears begin to form.
I laid my heart in his hands and he broke it
and kept the pieces for himself.
I am turning into pure nothingness.
While he is turning into a god.







This poem is not based on one of my personal experiences. It is based on one of my friends experiences.

Emily --

Meeeeeeow! Writing about unrequited love already, are we? Perhaps a hint on what guy in our HR class you like? Huh? Huh?

Any ways. Onto the critique!

BroadwayGirl wrote:As I sit all alone
[s]starring[/s]staring into pure nothingness,
the bitter sweet sting of tears
burning my [s]inmobile[/s]immobile eye,
I think of him.
The man who made me feel the pain in my soul.
Emptiness, nothingness, solitaire.
Ever since him
I feel like someone has taken out my heart
and filled the hole with gravel.
My saltwater tears rapidly reproduce
As if needing to do so to live.
Looking back to when he killed all my hopes and dreams
more tears begin to form.
I laid my heart in his hands and he broke it
and kept the pieces for himself.
I am turning into pure nothingness.
While he is turning into a god.

This is definitely an improvement from your first two poems, but it still needs quite a bit of work.

I feel like you wrote this for yourself. I feel nothing when reading this - you should think carefully about what affect you want to have on the reader before you submit, eh? Because this is all for you, and none for us. (By 'us' I mean the readers.)

Your use of poetic language has improved somewhat, but it is still far from perfect. I would suggest going to your nearest library or bookstore and reading some poetry. Then you can see what I mean by imagery and emotion and flow and all that.

Anyways, Happy Editing!

- Camille

Yikes
i love it
i dont read much poetry
but the title caught me for some reason
no critquing Arya got it all i think
well anyway great job hope to see more

ooooooh! i found this a very "egde-of-your-own-tears" kind of poe. i liked it very,very much. kudos to you BroadwayGirl !!!

Ayra wrote:I feel like you wrote this for yourself. I feel nothing when reading this - you should think carefully about what affect you want to have on the reader before you submit, eh? Because this is all for you, and none for us. (By 'us' I mean the readers.)

Your use of poetic language has improved somewhat, but it is still far from perfect. I would suggest going to your nearest library or bookstore and reading some poetry. Then you can see what I mean by imagery and emotion and flow and all that.

What she said.

All I get from this is an image of some emo kid reciting it in a monotonous tone to some of their pale faced, mascara wearing, black haired, black clad, piercing covered friends whose only real problem is that they sunburn too easily.

I want to empathise, but I just can't. It seems so contrived and whiney.

Looking back to when he killed all my hopes and dreams
more tears begin to form.

A weak, resigned point of view is communicated throughout the poem. And that's all the poem will be as a consequence- weak and resigned.

It's very descrptive and I'm wondering...Was this a real life experiance for you? Don't answer if it's too prying.

~Star

This poem actually made me think of my dad. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not...

There were some grammatical errors, but it kept me reading.

My saltwater tears rapidly reproduce
As if needing to do so to live.

That is definitely my favorite line. Good job.

Good! I'm not very good at this yet, but...never mind! since they got pretty much everything! Blessings with your writing and tell your friend i feel sorry for her. I'm to young for that type of stuff, but i do feel like that sometimes...But i'm not in a relationship so its just my imagination at work...stop babling jordan...

Cheers, and happy writing!

-Jordan