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Wow.

Wow.

Well, I'll tell you one thing: you made me care for Arion. You really did. I felt like I was her. I felt like I was actually there. Great job! You left us heartbroken which will make us want to read more. Great job!

“No,” I said. Harsh. “Just go.”

This should be, "No," I said harshly, "Just go."

That way it is much smoother.

You have a ton of tiny jerky sentences, but I think that it really fits the story. It makes us feel the girl's grief. I really like the way that you set everything up. This was an excellent chapter. I am awaiting for more!

PM me when you post more!

BBB

Um, just a question, is Arion a girl or a guy? I must sound like an idiot...but I seriously can't decide.

Good job though.

Arion is a girl. I figured it was a girly enough name...but I could have been wrong.

Hey, I really love this, can you pm me when you put the next chapter in? I like the name, by the way.

Wow, this was REALLY good! My eyes are watering. I can't really cry right now because my family's in the same room with me and it would be weird, but it was really really good. I really felt like I was her. It was incredible how you did that. I'm still trying to find it.

I realize that the line breaks in the middle of the sentences were probably meant to help with the emotion, but they kinda got in the way. They were kinda annoying. Maybe you should get rid of them? They made it a choppy read.

Oh, I didn't do that...it kind of happened on it's own when I posted it. Sorry

Anyways, I'm just about to post the second chapter. Thank you for the good reviews.

-Arion

Sorry. It's just Arian is a boy's name... you see the connection? Sorry about that

Allo Ari.

There were a couple of things I noticed...

It’s hard to realize just how much you’re missing until it’s gone.

This sounds unfinished Please reword.

I stared back, working as hard as I could to keep from letting my emotions take over.

You can do better than this^^^^^. This is a very common stereotype of 'no emotion, I am strong.' We need a reason for her to act this way. Maybe she finds it humiliating, maybe she doesn't want to worry him. Details please

“It’s just that you haven’t been yourself lately, and I don’t want to hurt you, but it feels like we don’t even know each other anymore.”

I thought I knew him. I really though I knew him. I was wrong.

We need to know what's going on. Yes, it grabs our attention, but you left us hanging. A few details would help, along with a flash back.

He didn’t answer.

You can add this to the previous paragraph i.e. "He was about to say something but I..." etc.

He left.

To me, this^^^ is good, because it shows her shock [or what I think is shock] but it doesn't really give us much to go on. Please elaborate.

Overall, interesting. I liked this, but there was some conflicting imagery going on. Half the time she's like 'I love you don't leave' the other half she's like 'NO! No emotion!' or that's what it seems
I suggest adding flashbacks and more thoughts from Arion, i.e. 'we've been together so long and now...' etc. We don't really get the impact of the relationship at first. Details. :D:D:D
Questions, comments, snide remarks, feel free to PM me :D:D:D:D

Sorry, no snide remarks here

I know what you mean about there needing to be flashbacks, those come later. And I also get what you're trying to say about there needing to be a reason for there being no emotion. I'll see what Arion thinks...

I don't know. It all happened so quickly...I guess...I just didn't want him to think he had that kind of power over me. I mean, for somebody to be able to break your heart like that...that's something, and I wanted him to think that he didn't mean anything to me. I guess I kind of failed.

Thanks Ari. Yeah, but we'll go work that out. Thank you very much for the advice.

(Oh, and chapter two is posted )

I understand what you mean, when you say you don't want him to have power over you. You should show that in your work i.e. is he leaving for another woman? Is he simply not interested any more?

I suggest this first chapter should be a flash back, and Arion can remember in a detatched kind of way. Then you can show the conflicting emotions there.
Now to part 2!!! :D:D:D

Hey Arion, welcome to YWS.

There's definitely some good writing here. However, I would say that there are a few things you might want to take a closer look at.

Start off with conflict-Many authors fall into the trap that not revealing the main conflict or plotline in the beginning seems mysterious and makes the reader want to continue on in the story. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Most of the time you'll leave the reader dissatisfied and thinking the story is not worth their time. I'd give us, at the very least, an idea or hint at what the main conflict is. We have no idea what is going on between these people so their fight is no different than any other. Starting off with conflict, especially if it is one that is less common, is the best way to hook your reader.

A careful balance of mushiness- If you must have a scene that involves crying, I would say the best point to end it is the actual point of the breakdown, especially if it involves something unusual for the character. In this case, I would end the scene with a single tear or something of that sort. I think it would be a more powerful symbol. I would love this line to be your last of the chapter:

I was crying [s]harder[/s]. I never cried.

Don't neglect other aspects-Be sure to add other elements to the scene that don't involve the relationship of the two. Description of the scene can be a powerful ally in this instance and it can also help to set the mood if everything in the scene is dark and gray.

Like I said before, your writing is well developed, so I thought I would just point out some ideas of concept. You can choose to take them with a grain of salt if you wish.

I'll be critiquing while i read. Remember, this is just my opinion, so if you want, feel free to disregard all of it.

It’s hard to realize just how much you’re missing until it’s gone. Or that’s what they say right?

You need a comma between 'say' and 'right'.

“Arion?” He was staring at me like I was about to cry or something. I was so not going to cry.

I don't like the bluntness of this. Maybe add a semi-colon? Or try to rephrase this?
Also, it flows really well until you get the the 'something'. Then it just stops for a second, then restarts. I'd replace 'something' with some other, more specific word or words.

I was crying. Dammit. I was crying.

If you're going to repeat 'I was crying' I'd switch the period after 'Dammit' to a semi-colon. I think it would sound and flow better.

It smelled like his sweaters, like the one on
the couch, or the one in my room on my bed.

I think you meant one

“No,” I said. Harsh. “Just go.”

I'd change it to "No," I said harshly. "Just go."


I really couldn't find many things to critique. Other than the things i pointed out and a few more small grammatical errors, I'd say it was brilliant. I do wonder why you put half of a sentence on one line, and the other half on the next.... But you introduced the characters nicely and made the reader feel like they were the actual character. You are a powerful writer, and for that i applaud you. Good work, and keep it up.

-Mays