Running

Part One

I see a girl running in the night, from what, is unknown. Fearfully she runs into the woods to evade her pursuer. She runs, her dress is torn losing its original elegance. It is stained, blackened by the dirt and mud from the forest floor. She trips, falling to the ground. She attempts to get back up, but is caught by grasping branches and vines. She struggles in the vines as they rip the remains of her clothing. The vines become more ensnaring, branches like gnarled fingers tugging her, piercing her dress. What she fears comes closer. She hears it passing through the trees and brush, as if they were nothing at all. Nothing seems to be able to stop it! Nothing she does loosens the grip of the vines! Nothing!
There’s a light behind her, stilling her for a moment of confusion. It can’t be dawn already, No . . . that light is coming from the wrong direction! It’s coming from the west where the sun would be setting! The light is bright already and growing even brighter! Fear is slowly digging its claws back into her, as she realizes just what the light is coming from! Her pursuer! She struggles frantically, more than ever to escape. But to no avail. They just envelope her more!
Then suddenly the light become so bright that it was impossible to look towards it. No matter how much you could strain your eyes, to look into the light, to find its source. What is the nature of this Creature as it draws ever closer to this girl?
Is It going to harm her?
Is It going to help her?
Or will It just sit back and watch the show before Its eyes from her fear of It?


Part Two


The Creature walks up closer to the girl and reaches down tenderly picking her up in his hands as he removes the vines and branches entwined around her and her torn and tattered dress. A few minutes pass, the light dims, standing next to the Creature stands the girl, in a new fresh dress; made of silk and satin, more elegant and beautiful than any dress know to exist before. The terror and fear that once coursed through her, is gone, replaced by overwhelming joy and relief; tears of joy are streaming down her face as she looks at the Creature that has rescued her.
A few minutes passed and they start to move deeper into the woods, except, this time they walk gracefully and the vines and branches no longer reach out. Instead they bow down creating a guide railing along the path. Where she walks now and what ever she goes through, the good and the bad, she will not be alone, for now He will walk right along side her giving her strength, support, and knowledge as they walk together. With the shape of their bodies disappearing into the woods there is one thing know, where ever they go now, what ever the path she follows, none else can completely follow along behind them.

Part One

I see a girl running in the night, from what, is unknown.

- “From what, is unknown” needs to be rewritten. You’re in first person because you are seeing it, let your words reflect it. “I cannot see what it is that pursues her” – or something like that.

Fearfully she runs into the woods to evade her pursuer. She runs, her dress is torn losing its original elegance.

- You’ve repeated “runs” here twice, as well as “running in the first line. It’s too much. These two sentences you can combine. Something along the lines of “I can see the fear on her face, her dress has lost all elegance, torn around her body” – this adds more description and keeps the narrator in the picture.

It is stained, blackened by the dirt and mud from the forest floor. She trips, falling to the ground. She attempts to get back up, but is caught by grasping branches and vines. She struggles in the vines as they rip the remains of her clothing. The vines become more ensnaring, branches like gnarled fingers tugging her, piercing her dress.

- Here you are purely telling, and it seems that way. You lose flow and interest by continually using “she” and not allowing description to come through. Think of how you trip in real life, the tumble and smack of palms as you hit the ground, and use this in your writing. These are experiences you’ve had before, tripping, fear and worry – use that to your advantage. I love the simile here, “like gnarled fingers tugging” I think the image is made very well.

What she fears comes closer. She hears it passing through the trees and brush, as if they were nothing at all. Nothing seems to be able to stop it! Nothing she does loosens the grip of the vines! Nothing!

- Here you overuse the exclamation marks. You get the rushed feeling, and fear, but at the expense of your writing. Describe her face a little, how does she look as she hears her pursuer? How does she struggle: left, right, up, is she naturally strong? Has she done this before? Been here before? – These seem unimportant, but can help make your story believable to the reader.

There’s a light behind her, stilling her for a moment of confusion. It can’t be dawn already, No . . . that light is coming from the wrong direction! It’s coming from the west where the sun would be setting! The light is bright already and growing even brighter! Fear is slowly digging its claws back into her, as she realizes just what the light is coming from! Her pursuer! She struggles frantically, more than ever to escape. But to no avail. They just envelope her more!

- Again, the exclamation marks, they’re useful, but in moderation. You’ve also lost your narrator again. Chose whether you want the girl to be watched, or to be the one in charge. It gets confusing. That said, I like your use of the narrator, I think it could be an interesting technique if done well.

Then suddenly the light become so bright that it was impossible to look towards it. No matter how much you could strain your eyes, to look into the light, to find its source. What is the nature of this Creature as it draws ever closer to this girl?
Is It going to harm her?
Is It going to help her?

You mix tenses in the first line, and the paragraph itself is a little run on. You’ve switched to “you” instead of “she” or “I” – this merely serves to confuse even more. The question would work better if you place an “I wonder” or the like in front. It has more purpose that way. Explain a little, why the narrator cares. Perhaps she feels the girls worry, perhaps she merely enjoys the show. Elaborate.

Or will It just sit back and watch the show before Its eyes from her fear of It?

- Your last line is particularly confusing; I have no real idea what you’re saying. Actually, no, I understand but you’ve convoluted the sentence. Add some description of what “the show” may look like, describe how her fear delights It. Instead of merely saying it does.



Part Two


The Creature walks up closer to the girl and reaches down tenderly picking her up in his hands as he removes the vines and branches entwined around her and her torn and tattered dress.

- This seems rather run on. Since you’ve chosen to place the second part right after the first, and both are rather short, we already know of the vines and torn dress, you seem to be reiterating what we already know.


A few minutes pass, the light dims, standing next to the Creature stands the girl, in a new fresh dress; made of silk and satin, more elegant and beautiful than any dress know to exist before. The terror and fear that once coursed through her, is gone, replaced by overwhelming joy and relief; tears of joy are streaming down her face as she looks at the Creature that has rescued her.

- Whaaa? Lol. This is more than slightly abrupt. This appears to happen for no reason. We need some explanation, some more description. What has the Creature rescued her from?

A few minutes passed and they start to move deeper into the woods, except, this time they walk gracefully and the vines and branches no longer reach out. Instead they bow down creating a guide railing along the path. Where she walks now and what ever she goes through, the good and the bad, she will not be alone, for now He will walk right along side her giving her strength, support, and knowledge as they walk together. With the shape of their bodies disappearing into the woods there is one thing know, where ever they go now, what ever the path she follows, none else can completely follow along behind them.

- “whatever” “alongside” these are compound words, so are connected.

A more than slightly odd ending. You haven’t explained anything to us and we’re left in deft confusion about what actually happened. Where did your narrator go? Who was she running from? Why did the Creature help? I think you need to look back on this and work out how you wanted it to end, and what you meant in there. It’s all rather confusing.

You need to space your paragraphs. It gets terribly hard to read when it is this huge block of text staring at you.

Your writing is good, and I enjoyed the story, sans confusion. You need to work a bit on flow and description, but you’ve got a really good base here. If you post more, or when you edit, PM me, I’d like to read it.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

She runs, her dress is torn, losing its original elegance. It is stained, blackened by the dirt and mud from the forest floor. She trips, falling to the ground. She attempts to get back up, but is caught by grasping branches and vines. She struggles in the vines as they rip the remains of her clothing. The vines become more ensnaring, branches like gnarled fingers tugging her, piercing her dress. You said the remains of her clothing, but the dress is being pierced? Mesa think that pierce isn't quite the right verb... What she fears comes closer. She hears it passing through the trees and brush, as if they were nothing at all. Nothing seems to be able to stop it! Nothing she does loosens the grip of the vines! Nothing! good repetition

There’s a light behind her, stilling her for a moment of confusion. It can’t be dawn already, No . . . that light is coming from the wrong direction! It’s coming from the west where the sun would be setting! The light is bright already and growing even brighter! Fear is slowly digging its claws back into her, as she realizes just what the light is coming from! I don't know, I feel there are too mny exclamation marks Her pursuer! She struggles frantically, more than ever to escape. But to no avail. They just envelope her more!

Is It going to harm her?

Is It going to help her?

Or will It just sit back and watch the show before Its eyes from her fear of It?I like your use of the capitalized It.


A few minutes passed and they start to move deeper into the woods, except, this time they walk gracefully and the vines and branches no longer reach out. Instead they bow down creating a guide railing along the path. Where she walks now and what ever she goes through, the good and the bad, she will not be alone, for now He will walk right along side her giving her strength, support, no comma and knowledge as they walk together. With the shape of their bodies disappearing into the woods there is one thing know do you mean now or known?, where ever they go now, what ever the path she follows, none else can completely follow along behind them.

Apart from a few things it was well written .

NIT-PICKS:

I see a girl running in the night, from what, is unknown.

I think this sentence would be better as:
I see a girl running in the night, but from what is unknown to me.
OR:
I see a girl running in the night, but from what I know not.

I'd also like to know what this girl looks like. Just add in a sentence or two of description - maybe entwine it with the five senses...? (Example: Her hair streams out behind her like a insert colour of hair here] banner, twisting in the wind.)

Fearfully she runs into the woods to evade her pursuer.

Pursuer? I thought you didn't know what she was running from.

She runs, her dress is torn losing its original elegance.

That sentence structure isn't quite right.
Firstly, I don't think the 'She runs' part is necessary. We already know that she is running.
And so, the sentence would [in my opinion] look better and make more sense as: Her dress is tearing, losing its original elegance.

Nothing seems to be able to stop it! Nothing she does loosens the grip of the vines! Nothing!

I really don't think all those exclamation points are necessary. ^_~ You'd do fine to get rid of the first one, at least.
Because if you do get rid of it, then it makes the remaining two more striking and dramatic.

There’s a light behind her, stilling her for a moment of confusion. It can’t be dawn already, No . . . that light is coming from the wrong direction! It’s coming from the west where the sun would be setting! The light is bright already and growing even brighter! Fear is slowly digging its claws back into her, as she realizes just what the light is coming from! Her pursuer! She struggles frantically, more than ever to escape. But to no avail. They just envelope her more!

Well!
Firstly, I think you should get rid of the contractions. That means that "there's" should be "there is" and "it's" should be "it is", etc.
Also, I don't think any of those exclamation points are necessary. The drama in the previous sentence[s] was nice, but with six more exclamation marks, its going a little over the top, don't you think?

And again with the pursuer. I thought you didn't know what/who she was running from?

No matter how much you could strain your eyes, to look into the light, to find its source.

I don't like the second person in this sentence. It is kind of random...maybe you should change it to third person instead?

What is the nature of this Creature as it draws ever closer to this girl?

That doesn't quite make sense, I'm afraid. >.<
I think the sentence should be: What is the nature of this creature that draws ever closer to the girl?

Is It going to harm her?
Is It going to help her?
Or will It just sit back and watch the show before Its eyes from her fear of It?

What's with all the random capitalizations?

The Creature walks up closer to the girl and reaches down tenderly picking her up in his hands as he removes the vines and branches entwined around her and her torn and tattered dress.

What does the creature look like?
Also, there should be a comma or a semi-colon after 'down'.

The terror and fear that once coursed through her, is gone, replaced by overwhelming joy and relief; tears of joy are streaming down her face as she looks at the Creature that has rescued her.

Meh...the double use of the word 'joy' in that sentence doesn't do anything for me.

OVERALL THOUGHTS:

You have some very interesting ideas here, but this needs some work.
I'd like more description of the characters, and here is a web site that may help with grammar.

This has potential, though. As Penguin said, work on your description a bit, and break Part 2 into separate paragraphs, but other than that you're off to a good start!

Cheers,
Camille