Super Boy

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Chapter Five

Meanwhile Jason was at home touching up some pictures for Fonda’s story. It didn’t take long for him to hear the urgent cry on Down and South. The sound seemed to swished in with the wind from his open window for him to hear.

“ Breaker, breaker…code 1-10 code 1-10! Robbery down at the Founder’s plant, you copy? The police have been wiped out and back up can’t get anywhere near the building we need assistance immediately. Superman can you hear us? If you can come help us immediately.”

“Who would be robbing the plant?” Jason wondered, but he urgently signaled his father.

Super Boy had the power to teleport his thoughts although he had to focus. He stood with his head out to the window. “Dad if you can hear me go to the Founder’s plant there’s been a robbery and the situation’s desperate. I’d go myself but I knew you wouldn’t like that, but hurry dad the robbers are getting away!”

Superman heard his sons thoughts as he flew over the bank heist he just stopped. Quickly he arrived to the plant. When he got there the robbers were deep inside the building. There was smoke everywhere and the security alarm keep sounding off. One man named Jeff explained that a deadly gas was released. Most people were trying to evacuate Jeff explained the gas was irregular and unknown. Only the arsonists seemed to be unaffected by the gas because they wore specially made masks.

“I don’t know what they want from a freaking plant. But you got to stop them and help us. I can’t breathe…” Jeff fainted in an instant.

Superman didn’t waste anymore time so he quickly sucked all the gas out of the building and into the sky to subside. Then he took all of the victims out of the plant. By the time Superman went back into the plant, he knew for sure this wasn't any ordinary robbery. This was villains' up to no good again. Using his X-ray vision Superman found the villains' in a matter of seconds. They were down below in a precipitation room. He found the five arsonists and realized one he was already in acquaintance with. It was Kragen Stevens a former official for the CIA. He stood there with a woman in a mask, and other man all crunched up by the underground pipes. And one of the men held a hostage; a worker from the plant.

"Kragen? What are you doing here?" Superman had never really favored Doctor Kragen much , he always had a look in his eye that seemed to say he always knew more than what he let on.

"I was visiting the plant on a little business." Kragen smiled taking his mask off since the gases had reseeded.

“Let go of that man.” Superman demanded. The man wore a long lab coat. His face was mostly covered by the hand of Kragen’s associate as he pushed and shoved trying to get away.

The woman took off her mask, she was very beautiful with long blond hair, “Ha, he's coming with us!" she said nastily.

"Not so fast, you'll be taking this man no where."

"Oh, but Superman what are you going to do?" And in annoyance to Superman the villains smirked at him teasingly.

“Kragen I don’t know what your up to, but your obviously not as smart as I thought you were.” Superman ran to one peevish looking man and tried to punch him in a millisecond. In an ordinary case he'd be aiming for the next two guys. But something happened Superman wasn't able to move. Then he realized the man was a shape shifter, he'd turned into a giant snake wrapping around Superman's feet. The snake head stared at him hissing sounding like a broken water main. “Hsss….”

"Who are you?" Superman struggled as the snake wrapped him tightly around. This was quite surprised he hadn't seen one with such abilities in ten years. And he released now what kind of threat Kragen was turning out to be .

"We're the end of you! " replied the women and as custom the villains laughed as a cloud of smoke allowed them to disappear. Superman was released and feel to the floor. He was never more angered, he investigated the scene, he had made a few conclusions as authorities arrived. After he'd spoken to them he flew to the Daily Planet. When he arrived from the main office he asked to speak with the Chief in Editor.

Jimmy Olsen at his desk messing with camera, when he looked up to see Superman. “Jeez!” He knocked over a bunch of his staples from the desk. “You scared me Superman…you got any leads for us?"

"Yeah Jimmy, I need to talk to chief about the robbery from the plant."

***

A few hours later Fonda heard on the news about the plant and how there was villains running about with super powers. Fonda had quite a hunch. Superman hadn't had a challenge like this in at least ten years, how was Super Boy going to handle this? Would his father let him play hero with these guys running around? But the most important thought that came to Fonda was…when was the right time to question Super Boy? Should she play the cheetah and wait to sprint?

Fonda was sitting at her desk top when she decided it was time to play shadow. Winter break had just occurred so she had plenty of time. It wasn't like Fonda would be bored with her work. Sometimes she found it surprising that people got paid for journalism. It was like play time for her.

She grabbed her phone and called Jason up, "Hello?"


"Hi, Jason. It's Fonda. How’s your vacation so far?"

Jason was in his room eating some M And M's thinking about Claire Dumont, she was always a good distraction. Fonda was unaware of this, if she knew he had been thinking about her she would have fallen into a bad mood. But fortunately she didn‘t. “Great and it only started four hours ago and you?"

"It's been good, you know I got the thinking…"

“Really about what ?”

“Lets just say I got a few tricks up my sleeves and I need a little help.”
Last edited by SASSYLADY333 on Wed Feb 20, 2008 4:44 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Gender Female
Points 890
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Meanwhile, Jason was at home touching up some pictures for Fonda’s story. It didn’t take long for him to hear the urgent cry on Down and South. The sound seemed too; swished in with the wind from his open window for him to hear.
“ Breaker, breaker…code 1-10 code 1-10! Robbery down at the Founder’s plant, you copy? The police have been wiped out and back up can’t get anywhere near the building; we need assistance immediately. Superman, can you hear us? If you can, come help us immediately.”
“Who would be robbing the plant?” Jason wondered, but he urgently signaled his father.
Super Boy had the power to teleport his thoughts, although he had to focus. He stood with his head out to the window. <--- Awkward sentence.“Dad, if you can hear me, go to the Founder’s plant. There’s been a robbery and the situation’s desperate. I’d go myself but I knew you wouldn’t like that, but hurry, Dad, the robbers are getting away!”
Superman heard his son's thoughts as he flew over the bank heist he just stopped. Quickly, he arrived to the plant. When he got there, the robbers were deep inside the building. There was smoke everywhere and the security alarm keep sounding off. One man, named Jeff, explained that a deadly gas was released. Most people were trying to evacuate. Jeff explained the gas was irregular and unknown. Only the arsonists seemed to be unaffected by the gas because they wore specially made masks.
“I don’t know what they want from a freaking plant. But you got to stop them and help us. I can’t breathe…” Jeff fainted in an instant.
Superman didn’t waste anymore time, so he quickly sucked all the gas out of the building and into the sky to subside. Then, he took all of the victims out of the plant. By the time Superman went back into the plant, he knew for sure this wasn't any ordinary robbery. This was [If 'villains' is the name of one of your characters, it really should be capitalized.] villains' up to no good again. Using his X-ray vision, Superman found the villains' in a matter of seconds. They were down below in a precipitation room. He found the five arsonists and realized one he was already in acquaintance with. It was Kragen Stevens, a former official for the CIA. He stood there with a woman in a mask, and another man all crunched up by the underground pipes. [s]And[/s] One of the men held a hostage: a worker from the plant.
"Kragen? What are you doing here?" Superman had never really favored Doctor Kragen much; he always had a look in his eye that seemed to say he always knew more than what he let on.
"I was visiting the plant on a little business." Kragen smiled, taking his mask off, since the gases had reseeded.
“Let go of that man,” Superman demanded. The man wore a long lab coat. His face was mostly covered by the hand of Kragen’s associate as he pushed and shoved, trying to get away.
The woman took off her mask. She was very beautiful with long blond hair, “Ha, he's coming with us!" she said nastily.
"Not so fast. You'll be taking this man no where."
"Oh, but Superman, what are you going to do?" And in annoyance to Superman, the villains smirked at him teasingly.
“Kragen, I don’t know what you're up to, but you're obviously not as smart as I thought you were.” Superman ran to one peevish looking man and tried to punch him in a millisecond. In an ordinary case, he'd be aiming for the next two guys, but something happened; Superman wasn't able to move. Then, he realized the man was a shape shifter. He'd turned into a giant snake, wrapping around Superman's feet. The snake head stared at him, its hiss sounding like a broken water main. “Hsss….”
"Who are you?" Superman struggled as the snake wrapped him tightly around. <-- Rephrase this a bit. This was quite surprising; he hadn't seen one with such abilities in ten years. [s]And[/s] He released. Now what kind of threat Kragen was turning out to be. <---Awkward sentence.
"We're the end of you! " replied the woman and, as custom[/b] the villains laughed as a cloud of smoke allowed them to disappear. Superman was released and fell to the floor. He could not have been angrier [s]was never more angered[/s]. He investigated the scene and [s]he[/s] had made a few conclusions as authorities arrived. After he'd spoken to them, he flew to the Daily Planet. When he arrived from the main office, he asked to speak with the Chief in Editor.
Jimmy Olsenb was at his desk, messing with a camera, when he looked up to see Supermanb, “Jeez!” He knocked over a bunch of his staples from the desk, “You scared me Superman. You got any leads for us?"
"Yeah, Jimmy, I need to talk to Chief about the robbery from the plant."
***
A few hours later, Fonda heard on the news about the plant and how there [s]was[/s] werevillains running about with super powers. Fonda had quite a hunch. Superman hadn't had a challenge like this in at least ten years. How was Super Boy going to handle this? Would his father let him play hero with these guys running around? But the most important thought that came to Fonda was…when was the right time to question Super Boy? Should she play the cheetah and wait to sprint? <-- Use 'pounce' instead of 'sprint'.

Fonda was sitting at her desktop when she decided it was time to play shadow. Winter break had just occurred, so she had plenty of time. It wasn't like Fonda would be bored with her work. Sometimes, she found it surprising that people got paid for journalism. It was like play time for her.
She grabbed her phone and called Jason up, "Hello?"
"Hi, Jason. It's Fonda. How’s your vacation so far?"
Jason was in his room, eating some [s]M And M's [/s] M&Ms andcthinking about Claire Dumont. She was always a good distraction. Fonda was unaware of this; if she had known that [s]knew[/s] he had been thinking about her, she would have fallen into a bad mood. But, fortunately, she didn‘t. “Great. And it only started four hours ago, and you?"
"It's been good. You know, I got to thinking…"
“Really? About what ?”
“Lets just say I got a few tricks up my sleeves and I need a little help.”


Well, first of all, you need to space this. Your readers will not be interested in even bothering to look at this if your words are all clumped together like that. Overall, though, I thought it was decent. Nothing too special that would "WOW" me. One main thing you need to work on is your transition. You rush, so the reader doesn't get the full effect and they get bored. There is little to no description in here, so I couldn't really visualize anything. Work on those a bit.

Also, be sure to know when to use commas and periods. You had quite a few run-ons in there. On another note, now that I look back, I also noticed that you had some awkward sentences that were worded oddly. You might want to tidy those up with different word choices.

I hope this helped.

Lurv,
*~Syd*~
Formerly known as Silly Sydstix... as well as Aquarius Angel.




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Thanks! :)
"Show us, don't tell us!" They say, but sadly I realize I'm a storyteller. When I cross over and accept maturity, when I want to change then maybe I'll be willing to show people my prose and not tell them. As a writer I have to grow. :)



i could be a morning person if morning happened around noon.
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