Legends Of The Night

Legends Of The
Night

Prologue


You may think Thieves and Murderous psycho’s are scary but think again, think back to the spooky fairy tails a relative has told you. Think back to the tales of Vampires, Werewolves and Demons, do you think they are make believe, if you do then think again if you don’t then you understand better than anyone, that there are monsters out there. My name is James, I’m only 14 years of age, but don’t get me wrong young as I may seem I have encountered these beasts. It’s far from happy ending fairy tales, it’s scary, horrific, bloody and most of all its real. Read on if you wish, but the next six months of my life aren’t pretty, I am a banisher of evil and this is my story.

The ghostly moon glowed in the pitch black darkness. Trees swayed gently in the cool air breeze. Thieves and murderers lurked in every dark dingy ally. That’s all very normal, but they’re out there I can feel it, it’s not just a fairy tale, and one day I’ll will find monsters. As I backed away from the window something caught my gaze, something in the darkness. I stared overwhelmed with curiosity my ears straining for even the most unnatural sound, I studied the surrounds nothing out of the ordinary. But no, something in the far corner of the street, skinny and tall, cloaked in black, the figure caught my gaze and backed away breaking into a run. I stepped away from the window my hopes fading, it was just another psychopath. I returned to the safety and warmth of the bed wrapping my self up in the thick soft duvet. My head sunk into the softness of the pillow and in any minute now I would doze of to sleep and have many weird dreams, and I was right my eyes closed and that was it, I was dead to the night.

I woke with a start. A scream. A woman’s scream, my heart raced a hundred miles per hour, head pounding with thoughts, “mum” I shouted, I grabbed the door knob and twisted, the door spun open and I raced to the top of the stairs. To many steps, she could be dead for all I know. I took a long run and sprang from my feet, mind racing as plummeted to the bottom of the stairs. My ankle lands weird and twists, but I can’t let that stop me. I pick myself up and dash to the lounge, I gasp as I enter a room covered in what seems blood, tears form around my eye’s I turn away unable to look at the horrific mess. Another scream, “mum” I shout again. My heart feels like its going to burst any minute, I race to the kitchen only to find…

Anger flared up inside me as I knew who stupid I was to believe that my mum was in grave danger, and as it seems, the so called blood was actually Tomato Ketchup, and the only explanation for the screams was because of my seven year old brother Timmy who was having a Ketchup fight with my mum. I looked at my mum with shock, her long blonde her splattered in Ketchup that had soaked through her long expensive green dress and when I turned to my brat of brother I had to endure his cocky face smirking at me. That’s when I lost it. Without thinking I just through myself at him my, and elbow connected with his thick head and sent him flying. The sound was unbearable I covered my ears as a mix of screaming and crying erupted from my loud mouth brother. I was in trouble now, not even thinking of the consequences I sprinted towards the back door, I twisted and pulled the handle, I side stepped as the door swung open. I bolted out into the fresh air and ran around to the front of the house, turned around and stared at the house, “I won’t be able to come back here for a while” I said to myself.

You've got a fair few punctuation errors here, a few spelling ones too, but overall the piece is constructed well enough.

"think Thieves and Murderous psycho’s are scary "
you should lose the capitalisation of thieves and murderous. psycho's should also read psychos. Alternatively you could switch psychos for psychopaths

"spooky fairy tails "
spooky fairy tales

You can keep the capitalisation of Vampires etc if you really want to, but I would advise getting rid of it.

"Demons, do you think they are make believe, if you do"
Demons. Do you think they are make believe? If you do...etc

"I’m only 14 years of age, but don’t get me wrong young as I may seem I have encountered these beasts."
I'm fourteen years of age, but don't get me wrong; young as I may seem, I have encountered these beasts.

" aren’t pretty, I am a banisher of evil and this is my story."
aren't pretty. I am a Banisher Of Evil and this is my story.
Terminology like 'banisher of evil' doesn't fit with James's language so far.If he's inherited or earned a title, it should be capitalised.


" aren’t pretty, I am a banisher of evil and this is my story."

"Thieves and murderers lurked in every dark dingy ally"
Thieves and murderers lurked in every dark, dingy alley
You've also re-used the term thieves and murderers, do you need to do this? If not, don't.


"That’s all very normal, but they’re out there I can feel it, it’s not just a fairy tale, and one day I’ll will find monsters."
That's all very normal, but they're out there, I can feel it. It's not just a fairy tale, and one day, I will find those monsters.

"caught my gaze, something in the darkness"
caught my gaze; something in the darkness

"I stared overwhelmed with curiosity my ears straining for even the most unnatural sound,
I stared, overwhelmed with curiosity, my ears straining for even the most unnatural sound.

"I studied the surrounds nothing out of the ordinary."
I studied the surrounds, nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

"cloaked in black, the figure caught my gaze and backed away breaking into a run"
cloaked in black. The figure caught my gaze and backed away, breaking into a run.

"wrapping my self up in the thick soft duvet"
wrapping myself up in the thick soft duvet

"pillow and in any minute "
pillow, and I knew that any minute

"have many weird dreams, and I was right my eyes closed and that was it, I was dead to the night. "
have many (need a more sinister word) dreams. I was right, my eyes were closed and that was it; I was dead to the night.

" A woman’s scream, my heart raced a hundred miles per hour, head pounding with thoughts, “mum” I shouted"
A woman's scream. My heart raced at a hundred miles per hour, my head pounded with thoughts. "Mum" I shouted

"To many steps"
Too many steps

" as plummeted to the bottom of the stairs."
as I plummeted to the bottom of the stairs

"My ankle lands weird and twists, but I can’t let that stop me. I pick myself up and dash to the lounge, I gasp as I enter a room covered in what seems blood, tears form around my eye’s I turn away unable to look at the horrific mess. Another scream, “mum” I shout again. My heart feels like its going to burst any minute, I race to the kitchen only to find"
You change to the present tense here, don't.

"My heart feels like its going to burst any minute, I race to the kitchen only to find…"
No, no, no. Do not do this. If you want to have a moment's suspense, write: "My heart felt like it was going to burst at any moment. I ran into the kitchen and was (horrified, terrified, disgusted, angered) by what I saw.

" I knew who stupid "
I knew how stupid

"Anger flared up inside me as I knew who stupid I was to believe that my mum was in grave danger, and as it seems, the so called blood was actually Tomato Ketchup, and the only explanation for the screams was because of my seven year old brother Timmy who was having a Ketchup fight with my mum."
This sentence is far too long, break it up with full stops at some of the commas. Additionally, why would a ketchup fight (if such a thing exists) take place at night?

"just through myself at him my, and elbow connected with his thick head "
just threw myself at him. My elbow connected with his thick head

This piece shows promise, but you need to stay in the same tense and use full stops instead of commas about half the time.

The same as Rubric says. Just watch your punctuation and grammar. Proofread. Sometimes actually reading it aloud helps. Your first paragraph consists of five sentences, split it up further. Don't be afraid to put it question marks etc. Be careful not to put in commas instead of full stops. Just break it up into the way you would say it.

Apart from small mistakes like that, it doesn't look half bad...

It's an interesting start to your story. The ending so far is the best part. You do have quite a few mistakes but simply re-reading it will help prevent those. The advice above is good, read it aloud to yourself and think, does it sound alright? does it flow?

Because you have near to no dialogue through out, the ending stood out more and made it memoriable. Nicely done. Looking forward to reading more ^^.

I believe most have been pointed out, but the following are the one's I saw.


"You may think Thieves and Murderous psycho’s are scary but think again, think back to the spooky fairy tails a relative has told you. Think back to the tales of Vampires, Werewolves and Demons, do you think they are make believe, if you do then think again if you don’t then you understand better than anyone, that there are monsters out there."

You used the term 'Think Again' twice in what apears to be one sentence. I think you should take one away. Because it's been repeated so closely together it made me stop and re-read the sentence, hampering fluid reading.


"Trees swayed gently in the cool air breeze."

I think you should take away either the word 'air' or the word 'breeze'. It's over explaining (if that made sense ^^; )

"and I was right my eyes closed and that was it, I was dead to the night. "

I believe you need a coma in between the word "Right" and "My".


"My ankle lands weird and twists,"

if you're going to use the word 'lands' try;
"My ankle lands weirdly and twists,".

"dash to the lounge, I gasp as I enter a room covered in what seems blood, tears form around my eye’s I turn away unable"

it's eyes. And I think it should be;
"In what seems like blood"
this reads easier.


"The sound was unbearable I covered my ears as a mix of screaming and crying erupted from my loud mouth brother."

this sentence is too long, too keep the suspence going you need shorter sentences.
"The sound was unbearable. I covered my ears as a mixTURE of screaming and crying erupted from my loud mouth brother."


"not even thinking of the consequences I sprinted towards the back door, I twisted and pulled the handle, I side stepped as the door swung open. I bolted out into the fresh air and ran around to the front of the house, turned around and stared at the house, “I won’t be able to come back here for a while” I said to myself."

Again, shorter sentences and the flow of reading is hampered slightly.
"not even thinking of the consequences TO FOLLOW, I sprinted towards the back door. I twisted and pulled at the handle and side stepped as the door swung open. I bolted out into the fresh air and ran around to the front of the house. I turned and stared at the house and said to myself, "I won't be able to come back here for a while".