Saving Grace

Saving Grace


Life, heart deteriorating
Entangled in my own raw misery
That did not cease strangling me
As the clawing vines with their
Jagged teeth burying themselves in my exhausted form
Climbing like rugged crevices in a weeping cliff
Buried in a wheezing mountain where no light could dwell
Where no feeling was tolerated
Only snarling darkness and destruction thrived
Trapped within a dismal sphere
That held nothing but death

The all too eager waters rushed to swallow me up
Their malicious white water choking my depleted lungs
A ragged gasp wracked my body
As I fought to release one final scream
The enraged churning waters
Desperate panicking vines
Sought to pull me under
Every second was a titanic struggle
Refusing to abate

To me the dawn of the merciful sun was nonexistent
The gentle voice that called to me
Was the voice I screamed to stop trying to save me
The hands that held my face above water
Were the hands I denied the right to hold me
The fingers that lovingly tousled my hair
Were the fingers I shouted to stop caressing my heart
The arms that fought to bring me to land
Were the arms I bit to keep them from hugging me

I ripped at the heart of that beautiful being
And grieved his mind at my every action
When the vines had crept around my neck
And the waters had forced me into their grasp
When finally my body ceased flailing and fighting
Surrendering to the being
For I knew all was over
As tears coursed down my soaked face
My hair plastered against my scarred and pale countenance
Arms tangled in a bloody mess
A pitiful, sad, repulsive sight
I felt arms encircle my waist and hug me tightly
Holding me tight like a mother who had almost lost her child
“Do not be afraid.”
Fear knotted my heart
Thousands of thin threads like a tumbleweed

I closed my eyes and gave up all hope
Surrendered to the being who fought to save me
Whom I had rejected and hurt
Rejected and snarled at
Just as the sinister vines had sought to pull me under
I seemed to fly, floating subliminally through the soft air
That no longer beared the harsh wind that had chapped my face
And then… I was standing
On my own feet watching the clouds dance
Oblivious
The light waltz across the majestic canvas of the earth’s sky
Sky splitting into glistening fragments
Translucent lines darting across its beauty
And turned to look behind
Seeing the churning waters I had escaped from
Pitying the many poor souls that fought against all
Beholding the angels that sought to save them
Whom they denied

Redeemed my wretched soul
Cleansed my ugly heart
Saved my tainted mind
And drew me from the depths of death
Showed me love
Saving grace

(Yes, I know it's long.)[/i]

I know this is really long, but I would really like some good criticism here to make it the very best it can be 'cause this poem means a lot to me. Thank you very much

It was really difficult to read, since you had almost no punctuation to direct the reader. Also, some adjectives didn't see very necessary, and it kind of made the poem too wordy. The repetition at the end appeared too often:

"Seeing the churning waters I had escaped from
Seeing the many poor souls that fought against all
Seeing the angels that sought to save them "

and then you started using repetition again over here:

"Saving grace
Saved my wretched soul
Saved my ugly heart
Saved my tainted mind "

Maybe you can have a longer period without repetition.

If you don't want to change that, then here's critique for the last stanza. The last line "Saving grace" didn't seem to fit in with the rest of the lines. I mean, you already had "Saving grace" once to begin the stanza. Why put in another one? I suggest taking out the first "Saving grace" so it will look like this:

"Saved my wretched soul
Saved my ugly heart
Saved my tainted mind
And drew me from the depths of death
Showed me love
Saving grace "

Thank you so much for your suggestions. I value them a lot

I'll start with what I didn't like:

Buried in a wheezing mountain where no light could dwell
Where no feeling was tolerated

*all right...who is this thing/being that doesn't tolerate feelings? Because everyone feels at one point or another, more than less, and nothing can stop that. I don't like the "no light could dwell" part, either. Not sure why. I guess it just didn't flow for me.*

that was the only part I didn't like. The rest of it had really beautiful description, although there was a note of repetitiveness. I liked the poem overall, though. It was really...emotional, and you did a good job of drawing me into the essense of the poem.

Excellent. I loved this poem. The dark, descriptive imagery you used was very effective--I could almost feel a plant snaking around my neck as I read it. The alteration (I'm assuming, after reading Misty Lynn's review) you made to the last stanza worked well and brought closure to the story. All in all, the poem was deep, passionate and well thought out. It's obvious in your writing that this poem holds a lot of meaning for you.

Great job. ^_^

Hi,
Overall I thought this poem was cool. The only thing I would suggest is to add some punctuation (though I'm not good at grammar either). This was deep; I could completely feel what the speaker was going through and tell that the poem is important to you. Beautifully written! Great Job!

-Laydra