The Exiles and their fate

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And so it was that these Exiles escaped that worst of punishments.

But exiled they were, and to a world both young and primitive. Though punished for sacrilege, they maintained a sense of the right and the good, ideas yet in their infancy on this world. For though this world was possessed of life both mystical and mundane, the axis of their morality was far shifted from that of the Exiles.

This world held not the daemon and the angel, but rather the chaotic and the harmonious, the Fey and the Mystical. The sense of good and evil, compromised though it may have been, held by the exiles, could only end poorly in such surroundings. When dealings between the races took place, the terms on which each side dealt were incomparable, and though linguistic difficulties were circumvented, this would prove only to exacerbate later problems.

For soon after their arrival, the Exiles made enemies among the Fey, whom they declared war upon. This war was of terrible consequence, for though ancient and powerful, both races lacked the prolific nature of their younger cousins. The embitterment drawn from the casualties of this war only ingrained their mutual hatred all the deeper. The war was without finish, for the exiles alienated the potential allies they might have found among the Mystical, who were opposed to the Fey in many pursuits. Worse still; the culpable among the Exiles, those who had earned the fate of their race, moved unseen amongst the Fey, and passed secrets of true darkness to them.

As did the first shadow echo the first light, so was evil born from the goodly exiles to this young world.

Amidst this war, changes were wrought upon the nature of the Exiles. Lives of many summers now ran uncounted, and their race became less prolific. This change only increased the rage that they, as a race, felt for the killings committed by the Fey. In their arrogance they did not see that the Fey had become pawns of their own darker brothers, and that their rage was hypocritical. In want of a final solution, it was proposed that if allies could not be found among the natives, perhaps they could be fashioned. For great was the power of the Exiles, and amongst the primitive races was one that was akin to their servants, long lost due to their great sacrilege. Forged as an alloy of the natural race and the magic of the exiles, this new race became the Vassals.

But this bold stroke only brought the struggle to a new level, for as the dark secrets had been passed to the Fey by the culpable Exiles, so was the magic of the forging. New servants arose to serve the Fey, and sporadic skirmishes grew to total war. Where before both sides had been restrained by their own rare immortality, they now spent their servants as innumerable grains of sand in a desert of growing troubles.

Like a whirlpool, the troubles eventuated by the coming of the Exiles grew unchecked, drifting inexorably toward the fate merited by a crime most heinous. Though this had not been a world of the angel and the daemon, that fate too lay nigh the horizon.

It was into this spreading conflict and darkness that two beings arrived from the old home of the Exiles. Though powerful in the grandest of fashions, they too were chained by the lessons intended for them by greater powers. This is their tale, and the tale of how the punishment of the Exiles eventuated.
So you're going to kill a god. Sure. But what happens next?

Diary of a Deicide, Part One.


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For a piece of fiction, this sure is written in formal language.
"The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart."
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it love it, it's really good.

the only problem I have with it is some of the words are hard to understand
(A bit formal)

hope to read more soon

Fairy :)




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That was vary nice, but as what was said before, that was like looking at a dictionary. Now I am one for good vocabulary, the bigger the words the better. But if this was read by teens, for example most of the people in my class, you would lose them on the first paragraph. But anyways, good story, loved it, have a nice day. :D



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Hey there, Rubric. ^^

This is quite a read, I must say. It's impressive, but as said before, it's just a little bit too wordy. The reader won't mind the large vocabulary, which is very nice, but they will when the story is so drowned in it that they don't exactly understand what's going on. There are a few parts that I understood well enough to get what was going on, but then you kind of lost me with the excessive use of difficult (can't think of the right word right now) terms. An example:

But exiled they were, and to a world both young and primitive. Though punished for sacrilege, they maintained a sense of the right and the good, ideas yet in their infancy on this world. For though this world was possessed of life both mystical and mundane, the axis of their morality was far shifted from that of the Exiles.


That was your first paragraph, and right then, I didn't understand what you were talking about. Now that I think about it, it's not your vocabulary that is confusing me. It's more so the way your sentences are structured; they're complicated. So yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. Your vocab is great, it's just the sentences themselves. Some of them can be considered written backwards, and so it gives off a different meaning, if that makes any sense. Here's an example of what you wrote:

The war was without finish, for the exiles alienated the potential allies they might have found among the Mystical, who were opposed to the Fey in many pursuits.


It would be a bit clearer had it been written as:

The exiles mistakingly alienated the potential allies whom (or who?)they might have found among the Mystical, beings who were opposed to the Fey in many pursuits. Thus, the war continued.


Or something like that. Touch that a bit and you should be OK, and try watering down your words a tad. I'm not saying you should dumb them down, just try to avoid using so many at one time and in one paragraph. Otherwise, it reads like Spanish to some people, including myself. ^_^ Fantasic job!

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~*Sydney*~
Formerly known as Silly Sydstix... as well as Aquarius Angel.




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Hey!

This reminded me, strangely perhaps, of the prologues in David Eddings novels in the Belgarion series. In other words, I liked it, but some of the words did trip me up - even though I vaguely knew the meanings of them.

You have no typos or illiterate errors that I could find ^^

Now, actually thinking about it, this sounds like the writing that scrolls across the screen at the beginning of a Star Wars movie/episode.

Thinking even further, this sounds like some text taken out of the Bible - minus the thee's and thou's.

Below are my suggestions:

----------------------

And so it was that these Exiles escaped that -------- the? -------- worst of punishments.

But exiled they were, and to a world both young and primitive. Though punished for sacrilege, they maintained a sense of the right and the good, ideas yet in their infancy on this world. For though this world was possessed of life both mystical and mundane, the axis of their morality was far shifted from that of the Exiles -------- the axis of whose mortality? The mystical and mundane? I don't understand - this is a primitive world? --------.

This world held not the daemon and the angel, but rather the chaotic and the harmonious, the Fey and the Mystical. The sense of good and evil, compromised though it may have been, held by the exiles <--------- Exiles --------- , could only end poorly in such surroundings. When dealings between the races took place, the terms on which each side dealt were incomparable, and though linguistic difficulties were circumvented, this would prove only to exacerbate later problems.

For soon after their arrival, the Exiles made enemies among the Fey, whom they declared war upon. This war was of terrible consequence, for though ancient and powerful, both races lacked the prolific nature of their younger cousins -------- what younger cousins?? The Mysticals? But I thought they were on par with the Feys ---------. The embitterment drawn from the casualties of this war only ingrained their mutual hatred all the deeper. The war was without finish, for the exiles <------- Exiles --------- alienated the potential allies they might have found among the Mystical, who were opposed to the Fey in many pursuits. Worse still; the culpable among the Exiles, those who had earned the fate of their race, moved unseen amongst the Fey, and passed secrets of true darkness to them.

As did the first shadow echo the first light, so was evil born from the goodly exiles <------- Exiles ----------- to this young world.

Amidst this war, changes were wrought upon the nature of the Exiles. Lives of many summers now ran uncounted, and their race became less prolific <-------- you've used such a memorable word twice, that the use of it again, registered immediately ------------. This change only increased the rage that they, as a race, felt for the killings committed by the Fey. . . . .

It was into this spreading conflict and darkness that two beings arrived from the old home of the Exiles. Though powerful in the grandest of fashions, they too were chained by the lessons intended for them by greater powers. This is their tale, and the tale of how the punishment of the Exiles eventuated <------- second use of the same word ---------.

-------------------

All in all a good story. I just sincerely hope the rest of the novel isn't like this. No offense, but reading more than three pages of the same style of writing would make me dizzy and annoyed.

But just for the sake of it, let me get this straight.

* The Fey and the Exiles are at war.

** The Mystic seem to have disappeared, as they took neither side, though they would have joined the Exiles side, as they had some gripe about the Fey.

*** The Vassals were created under the reign of the Exiles, to fight their war.

**** The Fey created their own slaves with the magics learned from the traitors of the Exiles.

***** They were now at war, throwing their slaves at each other in a bid to win - but to win what?

****** And now, we're going to hear from two people from the Exiles side of how they became Exiles in the fist place?

So efficiently, you've told us the beginning of the ending of this story, and you are now going to tell us how the beginning of the end came about.

^^ Right?

Well, I hope you submit it soon, because I'm interested in how a whole civilization of people can be cast away into Exile.

Keep on writing!

- jai -
I have an approximate knowledge of many things.




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Cheers guys, especially Syd and Seeminglymeaningless, I think you've pinpointed the problems with this piece quite nicely.

The tone is overly formal because it's a prologue, and because I want the prologue to this piece to be formal, as it details a lesson and a history. So that's my excuse for pretentious verbosity and yoda-esque style. Rest assured it won't continue during the novel.

To the other three reviewers, thanks for pointing out that I may be over-wordy in this piece, but if you have the time could you possibly pick out some examples?

And thanks seeminglymeaningless for picking up on the repetition of eventuated and prolific, it is a worry given that they're stick-in-your-head kind of words.

And while it may be reminiscient of star wars of the Belgariad (which, regretabely I haven't read), I was influenced by Tolkien for this.
So you're going to kill a god. Sure. But what happens next?

Diary of a Deicide, Part One.


Got YWS?



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