My first story

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Tuesday 11pm 2006
Leaves rustled. A slight wind was blowing sending stray leaves and discarded papers on the deserted road flying everywhere.
It was at this hour that Melanie Banks was brutally murdered. Her body was sprawled causally in the middle of the road, a pool of dark crimson blood had already spread around her pale body soaking her dirty clothes. Several bottles of water, a bag of green apples, a pack of shaving cream and a jumbo bag of 'mini-Twix' were strewn around her limp body. Melanie looked like a typical murder case but her eyes held more mysteries, they were piercing blue and they registered shock. What had she seen? was it her murderer that surprised her? These questions hung in deathly silence over her dead body waiting to be answered.

Tuesday 10:30pm 2006
Darkness was slowly approaching, burying the quiet city under her cloak.
Chris Mathews took advantage of the dark; he hid behind the thick bushes waiting patiently for his next victim. His dark brown eyes darted left and right, he ran his pink tongue over dry cracked lips.
His body was screaming with pain because he had been crouching in the same position for over an hour but still he waited patiently. In his right hand he was clutching a long butcher knife tightly, he could feel the blisters but still he waited.
Then he saw her. Two beats. She was tall and walked with a slight limp. Both her arms were laden with what seemed like heavy groceries. Chris smiled quietly as she came closer but when he got a clear view of her face he gasped in shock.
'No!' He murmured to himself, it was Melanie Banks he had been waiting for all this while. Melanie Banks who had always called him a freak show. Melanie Banks who always insulted him whenever she got the chance to.
Chris couldn't believe his luck. When he felt she was close enough he stepped out of his hiding place, stretched and said, 'Hi Melanie.'
Melanie stopped in her tracks and gazed at the dark-haired boy that had leaves sticking out of his hair, she couldn't help but think he looked familiar what was his name again? Her eyes caught a glimmer and she squinted, what the hell is he holding 'Is that a knife?' She asked in confusion.
Chris brought it into her curious view and watched her eyes widen 'Why yes it is.' He replied in a sweet silky voice.
'What are you doing with that?' Mel asked, she did not need this now, her leg cramp was worsening and the... The pain did not come immediately but it was there; she glanced at her shirt it was turning red quickly and why was her lower abdomen hurting her so much? She dropped her bags and fell silently on the tarred road, suddenly his name came into her head.
'Chris?' her voice was barely audible but he heard her. Chris brought his face closer to hers 'That's right' He plunged the knife once again into her soft pale skin.
'Sleep tight' He grazed her forehead with his lips and walked away.

* * *
Wednesday 6am 2006
Shawn Bing jogged quickly through the woods savoring the silence; he had earphones plugged in. His chocolate brown skin glistened with. Shawn was drop dead gorgeous and he knew it, from his slightly pink full lips to his well-built and chiseled body.
He ran his famous soft hands absentmindedly through his cornrows; he was thinking deeply about Melanie Banks, he had never liked a girl so much before. As he jogged into the open road, a strong pungent odor hit him hard.
'What the hell!' He increased his pace in an attempt to escape from the smell but he stopped short when he saw a figure lying on the road ahead of him. Walking closer and holding his breath he peered at the face and gasped. 'Melanie!' Shawn dropped to his knees and shook her lifeless body, a horde of flies flew out from the deep gash in her side.
'What happened to you?' He could feel the tears forming quickly, he tried to blink them away but his efforts were wasted and they flowed freely. Shawn wiped them away desperately; he could not afford to break down now, not when Melanie needed him. Grief wracked his whole body as he knelt beside her but slowly he felt the rage building up, filling him up, consuming him and eating him away. Someone had killed his girlfriend and he would find the psycho that did it.
He reached into his pocket pulled out his phone and dialed '911'
'Hello...yes I have an emergency.'
'Can you tell us what's wrong?'
'My friend has been murdered, somebody killed her she didn't deserve to die...'
'Calm down sir and tell us where you are.'
'SHUT UP OK?' Shawn yelled into the phone 'MEL IS DEAD! I'm with her on the road I do not know where we are, I was just jogging...' He couldn't go on anymore, the tears were choking him now.
'Sir can you see anything that can help us identify where you are?' Silence.
'Sir?'
'I think I'm on Melrose road..yes that's were I am.'
'Thank you, we'll send someone immediately.' Click.
'Hurry.' Shawn whispered into the dead phone.

* * *
Wednesday 9:59am 2006 The Jone's House
Stacey Jones paced up and down her pink plush carpet in her tastefully decorated room. In her perfectly manicured hand was a black sleek 'Nokia 8800'. Stacey dialed the number again and was greeted once again by a rich laughter filled voice 'Well hello welcome to my voice mail, if you called...' She cut the line quickly and threw her phone down on the deep mahogany king-sized bed.
'Where the hell is this stupid girl?' She decided to send a text message to find out were her silly friend was, when her phone started ringing but the caller I.D that was blinking surprised her.
'Shawn hi, have you talked to Mel? I mean...' She stopped talking she thought she heard Shawn say something strange and disturbing. 'What did you say?'
'I said Mel is dead.' Shawn repeated again quietly.
'Shawn, if this is some kind of joke I'm not...'
'ARE KIDDING ME?' Shawn screamed angrily 'I SAID MEL IS DEAD!'
'Oh my God, Oh my God!' Stacey sat down heavily on her bed, her small pretty frame started to shake uncontrollably.
'Stacey...Stacey??'
'I'm here.' Her body seemed to be shutting down slowly.
'I need you to come to my house, we need to talk OK?' Silence.
'Stace?'
'I'll be there in 20 minutes.'
'Bye then.' Click.
Stacey stared at her phone, the shock had worn off now grief was creeping up slowly possessing her completely. She got up and walked unsteadily towards the door, she could fee; her body broking down. NO! she told herself
fiercely but she was going down and a wave of nothingness washed over her. Stacey's last thought before she fainted was: Mel is dead?

The Jone's Living room 10:00am
Sarah Jones sat quietly on her rocking chair, her gray hair was pulled back in a tight bun and from time to time she unconsciously smoothed her white Chanel dress. When she heard the thud and looked up sharply from the beauty magazine she was reading. What was Stacey doing up there?
'Stace, are you OK up there? The silence only succeeded in increasing her initial anxiety.
'Might as well check it out.' She dropped her Magazine and walked slowly up the winding staircase. As she opened the door to her daughter's room, Stacey's limp body greeted her at the entrance. Her mind froze immediately were her eyes playing tricks on her. She blinked twice. The horror was still in front of her. No they weren't.
Sarah knelt beside her daughter and shook her gently.
'Stacey baby, wake up don't do this to me.' The silence triggered something in her head, panic flooded her mind numbing it completely.
'STACEY...OH MY GOD!' Her voice rose to a high shrill pitch, she ran out of her daughter's room and screamed 'MARION...MARION!'
'I'm coming madame.' Marion was very scared he had never heard his boss scream so loud, as he ran up the stairs he wondered if he did anything wrong. When he got closer to Sarah he realized something wasn't right; her face was red, her eyes were puffy and her nose was runny.
'Marion.' She grabbed his tanned muscled hand. 'Call 911, Stacey is... I don't know what's wrong with her.' Marion stood rooted to the spot, his handsome face registered shock and disbelief. What was wrong with Stace? He hoped it was nothing fatal he loved...
'MARION!' Sarah's impatient scream jostled his thoughts.
'I'm sorry. 911 right away madame.' He rushed quickly down the stairs hoping and praying Stacey was OK.
Last edited by koromone on Tue Jan 01, 2008 12:14 pm, edited 3 times in total.
koromone




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I really enjoyed reading this, koromone. For your first story I think you've made it really dramatic and exciting in the first paragraph and the description sets the scene well.

One thing - I'm not sure about going BACK in time. What I would have done, you don't have to do the same lol, is maybe use the description of the murderer as the prologue. But I think it works well either way.

Post more soon - I want to know what happens!
I love muscical theatre...West End here I come!




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Whoa...*shivers*

That was really good! You really created a mysterious feeling come over us, which is a good thing. *shivers again* Creepy...

Well, this was very well written. I like how you described everything, and it leaves us wanting more, so you BETTER post more!!!!!!

:)

BBB
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Would love help on this.




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This should definately be a longer section. ^.^ And parts are very detailed, and then skipped to bluntness. Who is this Chris Mathews person? Why is he waiting for a victim to murder?
Anyways:
____________________
Leaves rustled. All was quiet and calm, not a sound could be heard. [If not a sound could be heard, what about leaves? Rustling is a sound.] A slight wind was blowing sending stray leaves [If you expand here, I would remove the first sentance. I don't like the repetition.] and discarded papers on the deserted road flying this way and that way. [Is there another way you can phrase this, instead of 'this way and that way'?]

It was at this ungodly hour that Melanie Banks was brutally murdered. [This was so blunt, and then followed by such interesting imagery. Can you expand more? Or wait... are you going back in time, and then expanding? That's a really interesting way of writing. I'll be interested to see how it works. Also, is 11:00 such an ungodly hour? It's not that late.] Her body was sprawled causally in the middle of the road, a pool of dark crimson blood had already spread around her pale body soaking her dirty clothes. Several bottles of water, a bag of green apples, a pack of shaving cream and a jumbo bag of 'mini-Twix' were strewn around her limp body. [Lots of description here. It gives us a good idea of what she had, but doesn't give the reader a clear picture of who she was or what she looks like.]

Melanie looked like a typical murder case but her eyes held more mysteries, they were piercing blue and they registered shock. [How could people tell that her eyes registered shock? Why did it look like a typical murder case?] What had she seen? was [Capitalize] it her murderer that surprised her? The mystery still haunts all of us till date. [Weak sentance. You suddenly changed the point of view to 'us'. Also, readers want to sympathize. Can you somehow incorperate a flashback so we know what Melanie is like, so we know why we should pity her death. If we know what she's like, it will make the story and characters more believable.]

Tuesday 10:30pm [Maybe add a date, so people know whether this is after or before the other Tuesday. Because I'm confused.]

Darkness was slowly approaching burying the quiet city under her cloak. [Ohh, interesting! I'd add a comma after 'approaching'.] Everywhere was still and tranquil. [You said in the previous entry that it was calm.] Chris Mathews took good advantage of the dark; he hid behind the thick bushes waiting patiently for his next victim. [Remove the word 'good'.] His dark brown eyes darted left and right, he ran a pink tongue over his dry cracked lips. [This just doesn't seem like the end to a section. It seems like the middle. If you're trying to make a cliffhanger, I don't think it was well done. It was just like an abrupt ending. Also, I'd make it 'his pink tongue'.]

- Dreami ^.^




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em thank u for really analyzing my story well of course it wasn't the end i got tired of typing so i decided to stop there I'm going to continue in a bit... i'll make the changes you suggested... yes 11 is an ungodly hour to me... and yes i was going back in time I'm going to expand more... but thanks for your comment
koromone




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Oooo I like it! The only thing I'll say this time is that I got the feeling in the last part (on Wednesday) that it was moving a little too fast. It felt like Shawn found Mel a bit too quickly. Maybe you could elaborate and describe their relationship more before he finds her?

I take back what I said about going back half an hour. I like it now. :)
I love muscical theatre...West End here I come!



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