Jealousy

Carly was a nice friendly girl until her sister Samantha was born. This was her story. I Carly was 6 years old at the time when my mother found out she was going to have a baby. I thought "Yeah I finally get someone to play with". But that wasn't how it turned out to be. When mother gave birth to Samantha I was ecstatic. But when mom and Sam came home she never spent anytime with me. All I was being in the way. So I kept the jealousy inside of me because i didn't want them to know I was jealous of my own sister.
So the next morning she tried to take us to the store but when Sam started to cry she just took her home and i had to go. But everytime I cried when I was little she made me go anyway and that is when i said something, "HEY! Why whenever Sam cries you take her home but whenever I cried you just took me anyway?"
"Well you were all I had back then." Mom said.
" This isn't fair! You never do anything with me anymore. You don't even tuck me into bed anymore!" I sobbed.
" I am so sorry that i haven't payed any attention to you Carly I was just all caught up with the new baby." Mom replied.
"Well can you try to notice me once in a while?" I asked
"Of course now that we are all settled." She said.
The next couple of years were pleasant and i was happy by that time I gave up the jealousy and went on with my life.

I agree with what was said above; you need to show us more instead of tell us. This will help to make your story more interesting and engaging as well as longer. Right now, it doesn't feel like there is any real point to it. We hear about some kid that is jealous of her new sister, she talks it out with her mom, and lives a happy life... all in about two paragraphs! Maybe the moral of your story is that if you talk and work things out, it will make things better? I think you should express and enunciate this more. Make the story longer, use some similes, metaphors, actually show us the story, and make it more interesting. This way people will be more interested, be able to relate to your characters more easily, and all in all, be able to gain something from reading it. Good luck!

Yes, this one is much better then the first.

But to be honest, i didn't like this that much. I think it was a little boring, to short, and there was nothing that grasped my attention.

I think you need more, like the crit above, there was no point to this story. Give me a story, this is almost like a summary of a story.

I mean, forgive me, but I mean two paragraphs? A little short, if you ask me.

Another quick thing, try to rewrite this and maybe do something creative, turn into a poem or something.

Happy writings,

-- M.B.Author

All right, first off, it'd help if you'd space out your paragraphs. This story was really hard to read because of that reason alone.

There's a lot of grammar errors in this, and I'd suggest E.B. White's Elements of Style. I'm not going to point them out, as a lot are the same thing.

What was the point of this story? It was kinda like a summary more than a story with a few details sprinkled in. Your characters seemed a bit flat, too. Delve more into their emotions, and go into a LOT more detail. I didn't personally care why Carly was jealous. We've all heard the jealous sister story before. What makes this one different? Nothing, from what I saw, so I'd suggest having a reason to make her jealousy different.

Probably the most important thing an author can do (besides having good grammar ) is make the reader care about the characters. I'd be interested in a story about a WWII captain on a mission that would decide the future of the U.S., but depending on how the character is portrayed, I probably wouldn't continue the story if I wasn't interested in the character, his emotions, and the results that stemmed from those emotions.

Best of luck with this!