selfishness in shell fetishes

Selfishness in shell fetishes
Shells in her fishnets
And gets what she wishes
She shells and sheds blood
for self righteousness
Sells self and self stored riches
She keeps
Selfishness in shell fetishes

hey KimberlyKat
awesome writing
I'm sorry I don't have any constructive critisism for you!!!! It was that great!!! Keep up the writing...PLEASE.
-BroadwayGirl

Hi Kimberly,

There are some interesting sounds in here and I like the way you have experimented with sound. I suggest using punctuation in your poem as it is a bit confusing as to what you are saying sometimes.

I would also clarify line two. I can't figure out if "shells" is a verb or a noun. The structure of the next line suggests verb, but it is confusing.

As Trident said, good use of sound...but I don't think the poem has much more beyond that. I have trouble understanding it, and I think this is a result of your concentrating too much on other things rather than the poem's content.
Punctuation would also be a good idea...it makes the piece easier for your reader to quickly understand so that he/she can focus on other things.
As a performance poem, it would certainly be interesting because of the fantastic sound and rhythm. Here...not so much.

-Colleen

Trident wrote:Hi Kimberly,

There are some interesting sounds in here and I like the way you have experimented with sound. I suggest using punctuation in your poem as it is a bit confusing as to what you are saying sometimes.

I would also clarify line two. I can't figure out if "shells" is a verb or a noun. The structure of the next line suggests verb, but it is confusing.

Thank You! Okay for the shells part in line two, the shells there represented an ancient medium of exchange that africans used. Shells were of high value and therefore were used like money today. The term "shells in her fishnets" in other words means she had money in the bank, that's why the following line, "gets what she wishes" goes with it. I hope that makes sense.

As for the punctuation, I will consider it!

Thanks for that constructive criticism!!! Appreciate it!

Cade wrote:As Trident said, good use of sound...but I don't think the poem has much more beyond that. I have trouble understanding it, and I think this is a result of your concentrating too much on other things rather than the poem's content.
Punctuation would also be a good idea...it makes the piece easier for your reader to quickly understand so that he/she can focus on other things.
As a performance poem, it would certainly be interesting because of the fantastic sound and rhythm. Here...not so much.

-Colleen

Ah, thank you Colleen. I understand, my focus clearly was on the alliteration and sound of it, as for the punctuation, I clearly forgot about! I apologise. But otherwise thanks for the comment and critique! I am sure to improve!!!

Kimberly