In the eyes of Margaret

Hi my name is Margaret and this is my story about me.my mom and my father. Lets go back to last week where all the trouble began ok. Alright it was 6:30 in the morning the normal breakfast time for our family but nothing was cooking or done. I was amazed to see that because of how long we kept that tradition going. So when i arrived in the living room my mother was sitting in the chair crying that is when i asked, "What is wrong mother?" But she didn't answer so I asked her again, "What is wrong mother?" I started to get frustrated because she wouldn't tell me. Then she suddenly spoke, "You don't want to know what happened!"
"It can't be that bad" I replied
"If you must know your father shot himself. I called the police and they are on there way." Mother sobbed
"Why? How? How could he do this mother?" I asked"
"Well I don't know Margaret dear but all I know was that he had been acting really strange for the last couple of days." Mother replied
Soon after the police arrived to take the dead body away. It grossed me out a lot. One police officer went to my mother to ask her some questions and I heard the one question which was, "Did you shoot your husband?"
I walked up to him to give him a piece of my mind and I said, "Hey! Why would you think my mother would of shot her own husband you idiot!"
When he left I was relieved because I knew my mother didn't shoot my father. But the big thing was she actually did shoot my father. When i finally realized that she shot him i got really angry and called the police to tell them i had proof that my own mother shot my father. When the took her away I was sent to a Foster home but not even a month later I was adopted and living happily in California.

Arrange your lines and put at least a space within the dialogue because it's kind of hard to read. Also put a margin on the first lines of each paragraph. Other than that, nice story but it's not spectacular or something.

Pace. That's a heck of a lot of stuff to say in such a short space. We want a story, not a summary. Slow it down. Pay attention to details and emotions. Don't rush through the darn thing.

As Acoustic Sensitivity said, spacing would make this easier to read.

Being realistic. This is what you really need to work on. I found not one speck of realistic characterization, plot, or dialogue in this thing. For crying out loud, how does a real person react when she finds out her father's shot himself? I sincerely doubt that she says, "How. Could. He. Do. This." You need to incorporate the sudden shock, the rush of emotions, the grief...a character's speech and actions should reflect what she goes through as she receives the news of her father's death.
And, "It grossed me out a lot"? Please...that's something you say when you see a frog dissection in sixth grade biology, not something you say when you see a dead body being hauled off to the morgue.

Overall, the poor control of this pieces technical qualities, i.e. spelling, punctuation, grammar, all indicate a very immature control of writing. Next time, write the piece in proper English to show the reader you care about your piece.

-Colleen