Freewrite--"the Goodbye"

This was not meant to be a poem...but if you must you may tear it apart all you like (go wild, Brad)



Death seems more desirable
Than this life I'm living.

I've already ruined my plans
(Or lack thereof)
For the future
By standing by a woman
Whom I love dearly
And who claims to love me--

The woman who refers to me as
"More of a movie buddy,
Or at best a fuck buddy"--
And still claims to love me.

The same woman who,
After saying this,
And plunging a dagger into my heart,
Can offer no better comfort
Than "I'm sorry."

No reassurance, no love,
Just an apology--
An apology with no meaning--
Hollow words from a frozen heart.

This woman (who claims to love me)--
Taunts me and berates me and stabs me
With lances of guile that
Pierce my heart
And ravish my soul.

I had always said they were wrong--
She IS the one for me!
The only one that was wrong...was me--
Blinded by love,
Driven by the desire to BE loved.
I was wrong.

I have kept this bottled up
For far too long,
And I fear it is too late
To save me from myself.

I blame no one--
Not my parents,
Who love me for me
Nor she--
Who claims to love me
Only myself.
For not loving her enough.

Death, indeed, seems more desirable
Than living in this hollow shell.

Nice. Hmm, even though I'm not one who see('?)s mistakes much, I didn't see any in this. Overall I like the poem.

Anyone? no witty comments, Brad? Jack? anyone?

I didn't really like the parentheses at the end, especially the last one. It was okay, besides that.

I didn't like the pahrentheses at the end either, but otherwise they were okay. And I really liked this. I have no more to say.

I didn't like the parenthesis either

I thought this was really nice, straight to the point.
I liked your description of the lady stabbing you, but I think you could go in a little deeper. Like, maybe you could say how the person plunges the dagger into your heart (because I suspect this is
"With the knowledge she has acquired
Of the one she claims to love
She plunges that dagger into my heart"
Or something like that, if she's using her knowledge to hurt you... or if not, something similar to that

The parentheses didn't bother me that much, but I think you could italicize them to make them fit in more for everyoen else because I think I understand why you set them off with parentheses and it's good to set things like that off somehow. I think some of them didn't need to be in parentehses like

Not my parents,
(Who love me for me)

That one can be combined, but for:

I've already ruined my plans
(Or lack thereof)

you should definitely set 'Or lack thereof' off with something.

That's alll I have for now. Hope I've been helpful. I really did like this. Good job!

so:


Death seems more desirable
Than this life I'm living.

I've already ruined my plans
(Or lack thereof)
For the future
By standing by a woman
Whom I love dearly
And who claims to love me--

The woman who refers to me as
"More of a movie buddy,
Or at best a fuck buddy"--
And still claims to love me.

The same woman who,
After saying this,
And plunging a dagger into my heart,
Can offer no better comfort
Than "I'm sorry."

No reassurance, no love,
Just an apology--
An apology with no meaning--
Hollow words from a frozen heart.

This woman (who claims to love me)--
Taunts me and berates me and stabs me
With lances of guile that
Pierce my heart
And ravish my soul.

I had always said they were wrong--
She IS the one for me!
The only one that was wrong...was me--
Blinded by love,
Driven by the desire to BE loved.
I was wrong.

I have kept this bottled up
For far too long,
And I fear it is too late
To save me from myself.

I blame no one--
Not my parents,
Who love me for me,
Nor she--
Who claims to love me,
Only myself.
For not loving her enough.

Death, indeed, seems more desirable
Than living in this hollow shell.


Writersdomain-- I'm not sure how you want me to set off

"I've already ruined my plans
(Or lack thereof)"

What do you mean?

I loved it i thought that itwas right to the point and you got your point across this poem was touching and i understood it it was agreat poem and i really liked it

Thank you much, Trinity--though Now, in retrospect, I really and truly hate this poem. It disgusts me. It's a relievingly different style from my norm, but still muy yucky.

Perhaps italics would set them off well. It's your decision of course, but that is my suggestion.

I liked it. Style was "choppy as they say" in my opinion... and yeah... nice job otherwise.

Meh. Not too bad. It hurts my eyes to read the language, but I was expecting it, so...

Anyway, it's good to get things like this out of you every once in a while. Just gotta get it off your chest. so yeah