death

I was finally free.
I felt like body was exposed to the world like never before. My heart was racing and I new that I was soon to be reunited with my perfect family, only to enjoy a feast of marvelous, salted fish.
I could already taste the meat in my mouth, but that moment was soon to be ruined.
There was a horrific smash to my side, which started bleeding, the cause, unknow to my abilities.
I was loosing consciousness quickly and my mind wasn't focused on what had happened, but it was focused on my family and my very own fate.

I could see a light. It was beautiful, like a pearl in front of me, showing it's beauty.
And then it hit, I knew what was happening...........I was going to die!
I didn't have much longer, until.........I was in a place to beautiful to describe.
I was in heaven.

I could already taste the meat in my mouth, but that moment was soon to be ruined.
There was a horrific smash to my side, which started bleeding, the cause, unknow to my abilities.

We need to know her thoughts here. The second paragraph doesn't make any sense. 'Unknown to her abilities'? What?????

I was loosing consciousness quickly and my mind wasn't focused on what had happened, but it was focused on my family and my very own fate

You need to go into depth here. WHAT is she thinking? WHAT killed her? Details please.

I could see a light. It was beautiful, like a pearl in front of me, showing it's beauty.
And then it hit, I knew what was happening...........I was going to die!
I didn't have much longer, until.........I was in a place to beautiful to describe.
I was in heaven

You only need three dots.

I didn't have much longer, until.........I was in a place to beautiful to describe.
I was in heaven.

This is too vague. TRY to describe Heaven. Also, what reason do we have to believe that she is going to Heaven?

Overall, it's too vague. We know nothing of your main character. Heck, we don't even know his/her name!
Details. Background. And THOUGHT BUBBLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously.
If you have any questions PM me.

Detail and Characterization. I agree with SeraphTree--too vague, much too vague. When you're writing, you want to get your reader interested. Attached. That's why your favorite books are your favorite books, no? Because they make you feel, because they express emotion in a way you can connect to?

You want to do that in your own writing, especially when the subject is death. At the moment, I don't care about this piece. What can you do to make me care? Tell me about the character, show me his/her thoughts, emotions, actions, show me the event that caused his/her death, etc.

Technicalities. Also, ellipses (...) are fun. Mega-ellipses such as yours (...........) are incorrect and annoying. Having correct spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc., are also excellent things to use. Example: "its beauty" not "it's beauty". It's is a contraction--it is. Its is possessive. Learn the difference. It's elementary.

-Colleen

Hey,
I agree with both Colleen and SeraphTree. Much too vague! And the whole mega-elipse thing? I do that when I'm talking on MSN, but in a story, it's just not acceptable.
And SPELLING,SPELLING,SPELLING!
I'm sorry, but I have a major problem with misspellings. PLEASE, PLEASE spell things correctly when writing a story! Misspelling ruins the whole story!!
Sorry if I offended you or anything.
Just trying to help,
Icequeen

Hey shanan

I agree with the other posts that this needs alot of work.
SeraphTree and Colleen said the things that popped into my mind emidiatly.
Basicaly you need to write more. Add description, thoughts and also very important make it clearer:
Free of what? Why is her family so perfect? Why is she dying? Death seems to come out of nowhere. (At least you never find out what happens.) [Note: Is it even a "she"?]
SeraphTree mentioned a couple of things that don't really make sense. Make clear what you mean.
And most important of all: Emotion. How does you character feel?
How am I supposed to feel after reading this?
People read stories for entertainment. Means they want to connect to what they read. They want to slide into the story and have something to think about. They want to feel things. They can't, if they don't even know how the character in the story feels.

I hope this helps you. Happy editing

~Kalli