Lady Winter

** I had a bit of trouble getting rid of 'the', 'and', 'a' and all that lot...but here it is. I hope it makes sense. My brain can't bring itself to read it...and if you see any repeated words, quickly shout at me!

Lady Winter By Plus-One


Swiftly, fleeting autumn falls.

Days get shorter, nights grow longer, a thick layer of fog settles on dankly lit pathways. Steam clouds cling around gathering crowds as festive songs fill still, frozen, air. Streets are slowly abandoned, left barren, lonely, festering in silent reminiscence. Memories from health, happiness, death, defeat, stain cobbled stone surfaces with sorrow.

Ice cold eyes shine an emerald green, eagerly observing over their master's creation. Striking white hair flows down her back, caressing pale skin that it hides. She dances through dim silhouettes, sparkling, shining.

Watching, they bow, and whisper wordless welcomes to the Lady Winter.

This is pretty good! I hope the contest is fine with flash fiction, though, because it's really short --too short for me to write a proper review. But I will do my best.

Firstly, you really do need to elaborate. For example, who are the "they" that you mention in the last sentence? Are they the are Lady Winter's subjects (such as icicles, snowflakes, blizzards, etc), but I really don't know. You can go into that a lot more...

Plus-One wrote:Steam clouds cling around gathering crowds as festive songs fill still, frozen, air.

Should be "Steam clouds cling around gathering crowds as festive songs fill still-frozen air."

Plus-One wrote:Memories from health, happiness, death, defeat, stain cobbled stone surfaces with sorrow.

This is really a matter of opinion, but I think it reads better as "Memories from health, happiness, death and defeat stain cobbled stone surfaces with sorrow." But either way, you should delete the comma after "defeat."

So, overall: nice writing, but you really need to clarify your message. (Gosh, I feel like I've been saying that a lot lately!)

Please PM me with questions/comments concerning the critique!
Hope this Helps.
~Azila~

Yeah, I agree with Azila, It's pretty good, but you need to "clarify your message". Happy Writing!!

haha, Yeah. The contest was for exactly 100 words, none repeated...

And it appears you managed to notice the absence of the 'and' that i was desperately trying to avoid!

As for the 'still-frozen' , I think that insinuates that it has been frozen and remaining frozen. I was using still to mean quiet, windless...sort of thing.

I'm not sure if the punctuation is right for it to mean that though?

Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, still, frozen, is fine --my mistake, I was misunderstanding your meaning there.

Plus-One wrote:The contest was for exactly 100 words, none repeated...

Mm... tough! Well, I think it's fine in that case because whomever is hosting the contest won't be expecting full stories. But if you're considering revising this for a piece that has nothing to do with the contest, I suggest lengthening it.

Anyway, good job and good luck on the contest!!

~Azila~

Aha, thank you!

I'll also be going back and adding in the words that I wasnt allowed to repeat! xD


Thanks for the crits!

Short and sweet, this is a brilliant piece of writing. I really like your use of alliteration (I think that's the word). I don't really know what else to say, so sorry this isn't very helpful.
This whole thing is done with no repeated words? Very smart. Keep up the good work. Kudos.