Dodge This!

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When the whistle blows,
Few players run for the balls;
The rest wait, for surely
They will be thrown back.

There are also some,
Who throw too fast;
Sorry, dumbass, that hit doesn’t count–
Give it a second or two.

(And not so hard next time,
‘Cause you’ll pull a muscle.)

Then the class divides;
Some charge up, some draw back.

The chargers are the first to go,
But they’ll be back;
Once a classmate reaches out and
Catches a triumphant return.

Our retreaters will survive a while,
Nobly offering their balls;
But when the teacher calls full court…

They’ll be fucked.

(Unless they’re on the winning team,
Because that happens sometimes.)

And there are some who don’t want to play,
Too tired, too sore
Or not good enough.

Just don’t cry when it’s a zero for the day.
"Buy, buy, buy, buy; sell, sell, sell
How well you've learned to not discern;
Who's foe and who is friend,
We'll own them all in the end."




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It's an interesting story, but I'm not sure of the merit of the subject...perhaps the analysis of the game of dodgeball would be better presented in a humorous essay. That's not to say that you can't write a poem about dodgeball--poems can be written about anything. I don't think you've approached it the proper way, as the poem seems to tell more of a story than really say something.
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."




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Perhaps I should be more liberal with my usage of the sarcasm tag.

It really is an analogy, not a story. And I'm definetely try to say something. Several things, in fact.

Apparently that's my bad for lack of clarity.
"Buy, buy, buy, buy; sell, sell, sell
How well you've learned to not discern;
Who's foe and who is friend,
We'll own them all in the end."




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Gender Female
Points 5890
Reviews 758
Phindin wrote:It really is an analogy, not a story. And I'm definetely try to say something. Several things, in fact.
I'm pleased that you didn't come out in the poem and say, "Golly, this is an analogy for life! Look at its glory!" because so many people do that. But it's not a fantastic analogy; it's basic, if you know what I mean. It follows the "Life is like a box of chocolates" format--compare something to life, tell what aspects of it relate to certain aspects of life, etc., etc. But it doesn't go in depth enough, know what I'm saying?

Ah, but I am not articulate...what I'm trying to say is that I think the analogy wasn't very sophisticated.

Good luck!
-Colleen
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."



In short, Mrs. Pontellier was beginning to realize her position in the universe as a human being, and to recognize her relations as an individual to the world within and about her.
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening