The Prophecy of the Light

Chapter One
The Prophecy

Gael paced back and forth in the throne room, infront of a large tapestry that had a map of Kaiyleer sewn into it. Fifteen and he was already dealing with this, fifteen and he was already king. Gael sighed as he waited impatiently for news, the prophecy had been made hundreds of years ago, but no one ever thought it would come true. No one had prepared for this.
He sighed again and bacame angry, but only out of worry. Was it not the first of the year? Had he not ordered all of the children born on this day to be brought to the palace? How could it be only two children, in all the land, should be born on this day?

"Sire," a timid voice from behind came, pulling him out of his brooding and halting his pacing, "Sire, both children are born and sleeping now."

"Very good, what of their parents?" He asked the young midwife, who shyed away from his look and kept her eyes on the ground.

"The young boy's are resting now, but the girl's mother..." she trailed off.
"Yes?" He encouraged impatiently.

"There where complications. I must go and tend to the babies." she said bowing and leaving as quickly as her feet could carry her, without running.

He walked to his throne and plopped down in a very ungraceful manner, he didn't know what to do. Either one of these children could be the one to fulfil the prophecy, but how could they know which one? How could they keep them safe? Gael's mother walked in, seeming to glide across the floor.

"The widow is dead." She said, referring to the baby girl's mother.

"I know." He said gravely, staring out the window into the setting sun.

"She asked, before she died, for the child to be named Evelyn." His mother said, putting her small soft hand over his.

He nodded, "Evelyn it shall be. And what of the boy?" He looked over to his mother.

"He is called Falk, and his parents are resting and will be leaving tomorrow morning, that is when thier ship leaves." She said, reaching up and stroking his hair in her comforting motherly way.

"They must keep him safe, he is a child of the prophecy."

"They have been informed."

"What shall we do with the girl? We cannot simply throw her on the streets, or into an orphane home. She must be protected too."

"I had hoped, she would stay...here." He turned to catch his mother's eye. "We could tell everyone, that it is my child, and that we found out about the pregnancy just as your father fell ill, it is perfect timing." Her eyes pleaded, he knew she had always wanted a daughter. He looked at his mother's black dress, and then at her face, the last few months has cause her eyes to be puffy from constant fits of crying and her beautiful smile was missing from her lips. The idea of this baby becoming hers brought a light to her eyes, and the corners of her mouth twitched upwards. He couldn't refuse.

"I've always wanted a sister." He said after a long pause, "But she must never know, about any of it. At least not until the right time. There is no need for her to grow up with a cloud over her head." His mother smiled and turned leaving him alone to his thoughts. How peculiar things were turning out.

You need to space between paragraphs

A couple things

she fit snuggly in the palm of his hand

Okay, she is REALLY small. I mean, like months premature kind of small. Unless Gael is really big, I suggest you say 'hands.'

There had been no births in Kaiyleer for a year.

WHY? Is the kingdom cursed with infertility? We need a reason because it doesn't sound that terrible if it's only for a year.

What Gael did not know was that on a boat floating high above the Province of Senne another child was born, a boy named Falk, who would one day become a pirate.

This is irrelevant at this point in time. It makes your story a little obvious too.

At that same moment another man was feeling the happiness fatherhood brings holding his baby boy, showing him off to the crew on the ship, the Pegasus. His happiness was shattered all too quickly as him and his wife, exhausted with labor, were attacked by an enemy and killed, unsure whether their baby was safe

Again, this makes your story obvious, and it's irrelevant at this point of time. I mean, it's obvious that he will be rescued now. Maybe Gael hears some sort of commotion around one of the towers or something. Your last sentence sounds a little awkward too.

Overall, good. I liked it. We need some more thought bubbles from Gael about Anelle and Noel. Draw out the situation, expand his character. What does he think of his daughter? Details!
PM me if you have any questions :D:D:D

‘lo there Rory. ^_^

Before I begin the crit, I suppose I’d best out that YWS has a rule stating that before you post your own story/poem, you have to have given at least two reviews to other people. To date, you haven’t given any - it’d be great, therefore, if you could give two as soon as possible. ^_^

Right, now that’s out the way:

Gael looked down at the little baby girl, she fit snuggly in the palm of his hand.

You have what is know as a ‘comma splice’ here. The two parts of the sentence don’t gel correctly. They should be two independent sentences (or, if you wanna get a little more complicated, the comma could be a semi-colon instead).

So, whilst the original is grammatically is incorrect, either of the following would be okay:

Gael looked down at the little baby girl. She fit snuggly in the palm of his hand.

Gael looked down at the little baby girl; she fit snuggly in the palm of his hand.

Alternatively, you could alter the sentence slightly, to something like:

Gael looked down at the little baby girl that fit snuggly in the palm of his hand.

He was only 19 and he already had to responsibility of a child.

1) Usually, it’s better form to write out numbers - ie. ‘19’ should be written as ‘nineteen’.

2) ‘to’ = ‘the’.

3) Personally, I would cut out the second, superfluous ‘he’. But this is really down to personal preference.

He hadn't been thrilled when he was told he would have an arranged marriage and he was nervous to say the least when he found out Annelle was pregnant.

Personally, I would put commas on either side of ‘to say the least’, to turn it into an aside. So, instead, it would read as:

He hadn't been thrilled when he was told he would have an arranged marriage and he was nervous, to say the least, when he found out Annelle was pregnant.

They were even sure if the child would ever been born.

‘were’ = ‘weren’t’.

But for that one moment Gael was happy, holding his daughter, the prophecy didn't matter, the darkness that was pressing down upon the coutry didn't matter, nothing mattered besides the fact that Noel was sleeping soundly in her father's hands.

You have another comma splice here. Change the bolded comma into either a semi-colon or full-stop/period, and it’ll be okay. (Personally, I’d say go for the full-stop/period.)

At that same moment another man was feeling the happiness fatherhood brings holding his baby boy

This reads really awkwardly. Through in a few commas to help us out. Eg.

At that same moment, another man was feeling the happiness fatherhood brings, holding his baby boy

the Pegasus

Usually name’s of ships are put in italics.

His happiness was shattered all too quickly as him and his wife, exhausted with labor, were attacked by an enemy and killed, unsure whether their baby was safe.

1) ‘him and his wife’ = ‘he and his wife’.

2) Telling the reader that ‘they were attacked by an enemy and killed, unsure of whether their baby was safe’ just feels so incredibly rushed, like you were bored of the chapter and just wanted to finish it as soon as possible. Give the parent’s death more description and more feeling: show, don’t tell.


-- Sureal ^_^

Im sorry for being an A$$ but it does. What country? What kind of a ship? What prophecy? what are thier back grounds? what makes Falk into a pirate? What time period? to many unanswered or shallow points.

Umm, well hey Roy. I just want to say to start with that you have a good idea going right now,but the problem is that at the moment the story is only and IDEA. Like R.J said, it has too many un answered questions. Who attacked the crew on the pegasus? How did the father and his wife die? How did the son survive? As the story is right now there's no way someone can truly become hooked to it. Now don't misunderstand me, it is a good idea. I can see how this story can be a very entertaining one, but first you need to TELL us the story instead of giving us a summary. So, good luck in this rocky road we call writing and Pm me if you need any tips. I'll try my best to help.

I think everyone else has summed it up for me but anyway here i go.

!) More description- i too have been accused of lack of description XD
2) grammar e.g. full stops, comers stuff like that

anyway that's all i got so far lolz

overall an alright idea i would definetly want to hear more

Hey guys I edited it and really changed a lot of what the story is in a sence to how I had it before, so this is like the third edit I have done on this piece and hope that this is a bit better than what I originally had. I came back to it after reading my first draft and realised it was much better than what was posted and I wanted to give it another go..not sure why. I hope you like this one more and if it does get some positive feed back I might try to conitnue it a bit, if not, it was worth the shot to give it at least one more go round. Anyways thank you for previous crits on this piece and any future crits..I really appreciate it and hope you enjoy this edit.

-RL

I. NITPICKS

Gael paced [s]]back and forth[/s] in the throne room, in front of a large tapestry that had a map of Kaiyleer sewn into it [Re-word: in front of the map of Kaiyleer sewn on a large tapestry]. Fifteen and he was already dealing with this, fifteen and he was already king. Gael sighed as he waited [s]impatiently[/s] [avoid using adverbs especially if it’s already implied - we know he’s impatient because of the pacing] for news, the prophecy had been made hundreds of years ago, but no one ever thought it would come true. No one had prepared for this.

He sighed [try not to use “sigh” so much] again and became angry, but only out of worry. Was it not the first of the year? Had he not ordered all of the children born on this day to be brought to the palace? How could it be only two children, in all the land, should be born on this day?

"Sire," a timid voice from behind came, pulling him out of his brooding and halting his pacing [this sounds a bit odd try re-wording it as: “a timid voice called out which pulled him away from his brooding thoughts], "Sire, both children were born and they are sleeping now."

"Very good, what of their parents?" He asked the young midwife [you never put the midwife into the scene - describe her entrance with the other person in the prior paragraph], who [b]shied away from his look and kept her eyes on the ground.

"The boy’s is resting now, but the girl's mother..." she trailed off.

"There where complications. I must go and tend to the babies." she said bowing and leaving as quickly as her feet could carry her[s],[/s] without running.

He walked to his throne and plopped down in a very ungraceful manner, he didn't know what to do. Either one of these children could be the one to fulfill the prophecy, but how could they know which one? How could they keep them safe? Gael's mother walked in, seeming to glide across the floor.

"The widow is dead,” she said, referring to the baby girl's mother.
"I know,” he said gravely, staring out the window into the setting sun.

"He is called Falk, and his parents are resting and will be leaving tomorrow morning, that is when their ship leaves." She said, reaching up and stroking his hair in her comforting, motherly way.

"What shall we do with the girl? We cannot simply throw her on the streets, or into an orphan home. She must be protected too."

"I had hoped, she would stay...here." He turned to catch his mother's eye. "We could tell everyone, that it is my child, and that we found out about the pregnancy just as your father fell ill, it is perfect timing." Her eyes pleaded, he knew she had always wanted a daughter. He looked at his mother's black dress, and then at her face, the last few months had caused her eyes to be puffy from constant fits of crying and her beautiful smile was missing from her lips. The idea of this baby becoming hers brought a light to her eyes, and the corners of her mouth twitched upwards. He couldn't refuse.

"I've always wanted a sister." He said after a long pause, "But she must never know, about any of it. At least not until the right time. There is no need for her to grow up with a cloud over her head." His mother smiled and turned leaving him alone to his thoughts. [s]How peculiar things were turning out.[/s]

II. PROPHECIES LEAD TO TROUBLESOME ROADS

Not simply for the hero/heroine of the story, but for the author. Prophecies are a major cliché in literature. That doesn’t mean that you should completely drop the story - you can still keep it, but you need to be very careful. Like avoiding the typical hero plot. The hero is part of a prophecy, is orphaned, meets a mentor, and then goes on a quest to save the world from some evil-bad guy.

Now, it seems that your story has already fallen into two of the pitfalls. Well, technically one since your character is almost immediately adopted. Now, what exactly is the prophecy? That can tell a lot. Does it bestow the hero/heroine with incredible powers that will lead them to defeating the bad-guy that only they can defeat due to these awesome powers?

Now, it’s okay if your plot is cliché, you just need defining characteristics that make it into something your own and glosses over the clicheness. Get it?

III.CHARACTERS

Now, I don’t know too much about your characters except obviously we have a young king, which is a good thing. It can pose many (good) problems (well, for the readers at least) due to the naiveté that most child-rulers have.

Now on to the midwife and servant (I’m guessing). Usually with child-rulers, and because Gael doesn’t seem to mean…why are they afraid of him? I know that servants always are afraid of their rulers, but he’s a child-king. I’m sure they’re not going to be too afraid of him especially if he’s doing something good like protecting the babies from evil threats.

Now, to the mother. She’s one of the more believable ones. Why? Because she’s pitiable. It’s easier for us to believe someone and feel empathy for someone when their pitiable. Her husband is ill and most likely dying if her son has already seceded to the throne.

IV. JUST BECAUSE IT‘S FANTASY…

We know this is fantasy, but you immediately throw us into a world that we don’t understand all-to-well and at a pretty brisk pace. I think you should slow down some so the reader can become acquainted to this new setting and what’s going on and the importance of the prophecy. Maybe start out with the Gael sending out his message about the children born on that day and have the people baffled and trying to figure out what it is instead of immediately immersing us into this prophecy stuff. Also, setting up the scene can help. What is it like there? Is it cold and windy? Hot? Humid? Is it a beautiful city in the valley? In the mountain? What? Set the scene!

V. OVERALL IMPRESSION

I thought this was pretty good. Just a few grammatical mistakes, but nothing catastrophic. You start out pretty solid, but it just needs a bit of fixing up. Maybe add a bit more description and sensory appeal into the story like aforementioned. I think it just needs some tidying up and it will be pretty good. Just remember - tread carefully when playing around with a big cliché for a plot device.