Drink of Thyself-chp 1

The chapter isn't done yet. I started this in Psychology, and thought it was pretty interesting. i like it so far, and I needed a way to access it at home, so I'm just going to copy and paste when I'm not at school XD
* * * *

Anaya sat on the man, the corpse that once had been a live, until she ripped her teeth into his throat, tearing his flesh to threads. She could still feel his body writhing underneath, trying its hardest to get away from her thrashing nails and her sharp, inhuman teeth. He hadn’t been so lucky. His lifeless body was covered in blood, as was her own trembling body. This was the third time that her instincts had taken over her, urging to drink from the veins of the humans.

She sat on the man’s stomach, not knowing what to do, if there was anything she could do. It was nighttime, well past midnight, and her parents were probably fast asleep in bed. She shivered from the cold autumn breeze, leaves catching in her hair. Her clothes were blood soaked, and she didn’t think it would be safe to walk home like she was. She considered just taking everything off and walking home like that, but she was worried of being seen naked. She wondered what one would be safer.

She sighed heavily, and got up from the man, deciding it would be safer to be seen in the nude, rather than covered in blood and looking like the murderer she was. She stripped down, the blood soaking all the way through to her last layer of clothing. She cleaned off her face with a dry area of her shirt and shivered as her flesh began to crawl from the coolness of the night air. She wrapped her arms around herself as her flesh puckered and bumped. It was a 15 minute walk to her house, and she knew it would be a very long, cold, lonely walk.
* * * *

“I can’t believe how many murders we’ve had in this town within the past two months!” Janet beamed as she sat down at the lunch table.

Anaya looked up from her lunch, seeming less than interested in the topic that her friend brought up. “I heard they were all just placed as an animal attack.” Ana said, taking a delicate sip from her chicken soup. “No human could possible rip through a throat like that.”

Janet pouted. “Well, thanks for ruining that moment.” She sighed heavily and looked down at her own bowl of soup and wrinkled her nose at it.

“But they’re still looking for the animal that could have possibly attacked those three people.” Rina contributed to the conversation. “Look around, we live in a hick town. What animal could have possibly done all that? A deer?” She snorted.

I giggled. “Of course, you know those things are just evil and viscous enough to do such a thing as rip the throat of a human out.”

Janet spit out her soup, a small chunk of chicken rolling across the table. “I heard that it looked as if something drank the blood, too! There were chunks of the people spit out all over the place, but the blood was cleaned right off of them!”

Rina curled her lip in disgust. “Jan, that was so attractive, why not try spitting your food out all over the table around the guys and then talking about human flesh that was feasted on? I’m sure you’ll get a guy that way.”

Janet blushed and smiled weakly. “I’m sorry Rina, should I change the subject?”

Rina nodded, rubbing her forehead. “Okay…I’m not hungry anymore. Janet ruined my appetite.”

Ana stared at the two as they sat there and talked. She dived into her food, not feeling the least bit queasy from the topic at hand.

Wow. Very interesting read. Is Ana an abbreviated form of Anaya? Claraification on that would help, if so.

Also, did you mean to switch into first person here: "I giggled. “Of course..."? Just a little confusing...

Intruiging though... I can imagine a really cool story coming from this!

Yay for vampire stories. ^_^

the corpse that once had been a live,

‘a live’ = ‘alive’.


First paragraph: A good hook for an opener, but it leaves me confused. You describe the corpse as being ‘lifeless’, but then as ‘writhing’. You also say that Anaya is ‘sat’ on the corpse, but then you describe her as attacking him with her teeth and nails. These apparent contradictions pulled me from the story. Is the sentence, ‘She could still feel his body writhing underneath, trying its hardest to get away from her thrashing nails and her sharp, inhuman teeth.’ a flashback? That would make much more sense. If it is, make it more obvious, because at the moment, it’s not at all clear (at least, to me).

It was nighttime

‘nighttime’ = ‘night time’.

She wondered what one would be safer.

‘what’ = ‘which’.

It was a 15 minute walk to her house

In stories, it’s often better to write out numbers (‘fifteen’).

“I can’t believe how many murders we’ve had in this town within the past two months!” Janet beamed as she sat down at the lunch table.

1) This dialogue feels very unnatural. It reads like you tried to force exposition into it, at the expense of believability. Reasons for this:

- How many people refer to their town as ‘this town’?
- How many people would give the time (‘two months‘) since the murders began?

I’m thinking that if you cut out everything after ‘had’, and add in something like ‘recently’ at the end. (“I can’t believe how many murders we’ve had recently!”)

2) Also, why is she beaming? (To beam is to give someone a big smile.) It seems out of place given the context.

Anaya looked up from her lunch, seeming less than interested in the topic that her friend brought up. “I heard they were all just placed as an animal attack.” Ana said, taking a delicate sip from her chicken soup. “No human could possible rip through a throat like that.”

1) I’d cut out ‘Ana’ (bolded above) and replace it with ‘she’.

2) ‘possible’ = ‘possibly’.

you know those things are just evil and viscous enough

‘viscous’ = ‘vicious’. (‘Viscous’ means thick and sticky. )

Janet spit out her soup, a small chunk of chicken rolling across the table.

1) ‘spit’ = ‘spat’.


2) ‘rolling’ = ‘rolled’.

[s]Rina nodded, rubbing her forehead.[/s] “Okay…I’m not hungry anymore. Janet ruined my appetite.”

Sometimes, when you have already established who is speaking, as is the case here, it’s best to just let the dialogue stand on its own. If you insist on adding a speech tag or action to everything that is said you’ll damage the flow of the conversation.


-- Sureal ^_^

Thanks for the crits ^.^

Ana is an abbreviation for the name Anaya, and no, I hadn't meant to switch from third to first person, I just do that sometimes by accident XD

Then, I've got what she's feeling. Ana can still feel his body writhing underneath her, even though he's dead. Her body can remember the sensations. And to answer the question of why she is beaming, is because she's excited about something happening in the small town. It's just part of her personality. She's weird like that XD

Thanks for the advice though, and I didn't even know Viscous was a word XD

--meow