The angel alone(chapter one)

this story has been removed by author

Great great great great great!

And I don't mean your story is great.

I mean you use the word "great" enough times to make someones head explode.

Look in a thesaurus for another word.

I have one here...

Great: big, colossal, enormous, gigantic, huge, humungous, immense, large, massive.

Great: out-standing, notable, profound, remarkable, splendid.

That isn't even a quarter of the words it has in there.

To repeat words drives your readers insane, and makes you seem a bit closed-minded and witless.


And for a bit of line-to-line:

She was...beautiful.

Get rid of the elipses. They drag on your first sentence. The idea of a first sentence is that it is meant to be a hook, grabbing your reader and enticing them into reading more. It needs to be short and gorgeous, so the elipses ruin the effect.

And her name, well, was just as beautiful

Say that sentence out loud, It's not right, is it? Get rid of the "well".

but it wrapped up all of her characteristics and topped it with her personality like a bow.

I fail to see how something can be topped with personality like a bow... perhaps:

"It wrapped up her characteristics and personality, like a bow."

She was of great personality.

Great number 1.

She was fun to be with, active, outgoing and great.

Great number 2.

black hair that shone with great detail.

Great number 3.

None of them are nessecary! Find different words, not great! So many other words can be used instead.

TO write down my true feelings of her would be a great challenge, indeed. But, on with the story.

TO shouldn't be in capitals.

Isn't that the whole idea of this piece; to write down your true feelings for her? Plus, adding "But, on with story" is slack, informal, and wrong. People wouldn't have guessed you had taken away from the story until you added that. Get rid of it.

She was black

Surely you can edit this sentence so it doesn't make you sound racist. If you were writing about a "white" woman, you wouldn't say "she was white", nor should you say "she was black". Perhaps "She had skin the shade of coffee", or "She had a deep, sunkissed tan," they both sound much better, both for the imagery and for the readers forming an opinion of you.

Oh how i loved her.

I's are always capitalised.

I have bee going to school woth her for a great deal of time.

Bee = been

woth = with

Also... great number 4!

Since sixth grade, but I never really noticed her until the eighth grade.

These should be two different sentences, and "Since sixth grade" could be joined onto the end of the previous sentence.

but i did sure lunch with her.

I's are always capitalised.

leaving her close to alone that day of school.

"Leaving her alone"

Close to alone is ridiculous!

Now i admit,

I refuse to repeat myself.

Other than that? This story seems rushed, and more like an entry in your diary than an entry on YWS. Perhaps you should read some other peoples non-fiction entries to develop the standard you should be aiming to achieve?