a ghost story; beware: not for the faint of heart

The wing stung her eyes as she tried to make it though. The house wasn’t more than one hundred feet away but because of the way the wind was blowing, it looked more like ten miles. The wind started to blow with new enthusiasm wiping Jessica’s short brown hair all around. It died as quickly as it came. While the wing started to take another breath to finish her off, she ran the rest of the distance to the house. She looked up at the entrance to the house. Its dark wood paneling looked at her as if it would like to crush her. Jessica felt a shiver in her spin and jammed her key into the lock. As she flung the door open it screeched in protest. The house was cold and vacant; it felt wrong to be in the same room as what ever was in there with her.
As noise sounded behind her making her jump and drop the key. “ Pickles!” she bent down to retrieve it and saw something move out of the corner or her eye. She stood up and strained her eyes into the darkness. “It’s OK Jessica; there is nothing here to be afraid of.” She told herself “Because see there is no such thing as ghosts, it is logically impossible.” She repeated that to her self over and over. She began to feel stupid about ever believing in such things. She turned back towered the hall way only to stare right into the face or a girl.
Her hair was long and blonde; it fell to her waist which was very small. She eyes were blue and she was about the same height as Jessica. Jessica guessed her to be about fourteen. She was paler than any one she had ever met, but her most pronounced feature was that she was transparent.
Jessica opened her mouth to scream but only a little squeak came out.
“You living are all the same, ‘ahhh, a ghost, excersise it!’ well what did I do to you, tell me that. Oh and do you know what else it is not My fault that I ended up this way but every one thinks we are all evil, bet you’re the same way.” She looked hurt and she tightened her arms around her as if becoming smaller “I just wish I had someone to talk to.” She sounded shy and embarrassed at such a thought.
“Ohh,” Jessica’s voice finally found its way out of her mouth. “Ummm, who are you?”

helpless42 wrote:The [s]wing[/s]wind stung her eyes as she tried to make it [s]though[/s]through. The house wasn’t more than one hundred feet [s]away[/s]away, but because of the way the wind was blowing, it looked more like ten miles. The wind started to blow with new [s]enthusiasm[/s]enthusiasm, wiping Jessica’s short brown hair all around. It died as quickly as it came. While the [s]wing[/s]wind started to take another breath to finish her off, she ran the rest of the distance to the house. She looked up at the entrance to the house. Its dark wood paneling looked at her as if it would like to crush her. Jessica felt a shiver in her [s]spin[/s]spine and jammed her key into the lock. As she flung the door open it screeched in protest. The house was cold and vacant; it felt wrong to be in the same room as [s]what ever[/s]whatever was in there with her.
[s]As[/s]A noise sounded behind [s]her[/s]her, making her jump and drop the key. [s]“ Pickles!”[/s]"Pickles!" [s]she[/s]She bent down to retrieve it and saw something move out of the corner [s]or[/s]of her eye. She stood up and strained her eyes into the darkness. “It’s OK Jessica; there is nothing here to be afraid of.” She told herself “Because [s]see[/s](just erase, don't replace) there is no such thing as ghosts, it is logically impossible.” She repeated that to [s]her self[/s]herself over and over. She began to feel stupid about ever believing in such things. She turned back towered the [s]hall way[/s]hallway only to stare right into the face [s]or[/s]of a girl.
Her hair was long and blonde; it fell to her [s]waist[/s]waist, which was very small. [s]She[/s]Her eyes were blue and she was about the same height as Jessica. Jessica guessed her to be about fourteen. She was paler than [s]any one[/s]anyone [s]she[/s]Jessica had ever met, but her most pronounced feature was that she was transparent.
Jessica opened her mouth to scream but only a little squeak came out.
“You living are all the same, [s]‘ahhh,[/s]'Ahhh, a ghost, [s]excersise[/s]exorcise it!’ [s]well[/s]Well, what did I do to [s]you,[/s]you? [s]tell[/s]Tell me that. [s]Oh[/s]Oh, and do you know what [s]else[/s]else? [s]it[/s]It is not [s]My[/s]my fault that I ended up this [s]way[/s]way, but [s]every one[/s]everyone thinks we are all evil, bet you’re the same way.” She looked hurt and [s]she[/s](just erase, don't replace) tightened her arms around her as if becoming [s]smaller[/s]smaller. “I just wish I had someone to talk to.” She sounded shy and embarrassed at such a thought.
“Ohh,” Jessica’s voice finally found its way out of her mouth. “Ummm, who are you?”

This has a lot of grammar errors, I'd suggest reading a lot more published books, just reading can help with your grammar.

I've studied approximately one tenth of one grammar textbook in my lifetime, but I've been reading tons and tons of fiction since I was 4, and learned to read when I was 2, so despite the fact I've read a total of 20 pages on the subject of grammar through my life, I'm known as one of the Spelling and Grammar Gods on YWS.

Anyway, it leaves a lot of things unexplained, and I don't mean in that good, suspenseful way. Why is she walking up to the house in the first place, and how did she get the key? This ends way too abruptly as well, it isn't a cliffhanger, it's pretty much like someone chose a random point to cut off the story.

You need to add way more suspense, as well, your "not for the faint of heart" is silly if you aren't even going to put anything scary in it.

As it is, this is frankly just a bunch of bad writing. However, put a little effort into editing it and adding more explanation to things like what I mentioned above, and this could become the beginning to a good horror novel.

~Aet

oh yeah I know about the grammer mistakes, I hate that subject. as for the really abrupt ending, my mom made me get off because it was time for dinner so I sent it in and was about to add more, but compleatly forgot about it.

Hello! I wasn't going to do a full-out crit because Aet did a fairly good job with his. However, I read this:

Pay attention to Aet's crit and maybe mine if it seems helpful. ^^; I'll try not to repeat anything he said.

The house wasn’t more than [s]one[/s] a hundred feet away, but because of the way the wind was blowing, it looked more like ten miles.

I don't quite understand how the way the wind blows makes it look closer. Maybe someone can explain that to me? Otherwise, I'd say, like, harsh wind or a shorter phrase to get the point across. ^_^

The wind started to blow with new enthusiasm, wiping Jessica’s short brown hair all around.

The last part is worded strangely. The wind blew with enthusiasm, messing up Jessica's short brown hair. Or The wind blew with enthusiasm, Jessica's short brown hair obeying its every command. This last one is not very good, but you catch my drift. ^_^

She looked up at the entrance to the house. Its dark wood paneling looked at her as if it would like to crush her.

Make this one sentence. ^_^ She looked up at the entrance to the house, the dark wood paneling leering over her, wanting to crush her. Something like that. ^^;

Jessica felt a shiver [s]in[/s] run down her spine and jammed her key into the lock.

As she flung the door open, it screeched in protest.

“It’s OK, Jessica; there is nothing here to be afraid of.” She told herself “Because see there is no such thing as ghosts, it is logically impossible.”

Replace that semicolon with the tag. "It's okay, Jessica," she told herself. "There is nothing to be afraid of. There's no such thing as ghosts. It's logically impossible.

She repeated that to her self over and over.

You seem to be telling the reader what was happening rather than showing it. She continued muttering to herself, hoping to calm her fears.

She turned back [s]towered[/s] toward the [s]hall way[/s] hallway only to stare right into the face [s]or[/s] of a girl.

Her hair was long and blonde; it fell to her waist which was very small.

This sentence is awkward. Her long blonde hair fell to her thin waist. Short, sweet, and states what you were trying to say.

Jessica guessed her to be about fourteen.

This would be a great time to say if the girl was younger or older than Jessica. Jessica guessed her to be about fourteen, younger/older than she was.

...but her most pronounced feature was that she was transparent.

Meh, maybe rewrite this as well. ...but her most prominent feature was her transparency. Or ...but her most prominent feature was her ghost-like appearance.

“You living are all the same, ‘ahhh, a ghost, excersise it!’ well what did I do to you, tell me that.

We can use even more punctuation to make sense of this. ^_^ "You living are all the same," the girl sneered. " 'Ahh, a ghost! Exorcise it!' Well, waht did I do to you? Tell me that!"

Oh, and do you know what else? [s]it[/s] It is not [s]My[/s] my fault that I ended up this way. [s]but every one[/s] everyone thinks we are [s]all[/s] evil, and I bet you’re the same way.”

She looked hurt and she tightened her arms around her as if becoming smaller “I just wish I had someone to talk to.” She sounded shy and embarrassed at such a thought.

This seems a bit odd. After her long tantrum, she suddenly says something as sweet as this? Unless it's a horrible trap, I'd change this. We'll need to work on characterizing this ghost. ^_^

I've studied approximately one tenth of one grammar textbook in my lifetime

Yeah, um...I haven't. ^^; In other words, my crits are usually filled with suggestions. It's up to you to take my advice or not. ^_^

I'm known as one of the Spelling and Grammar Gods on YWS.

Aet, you silly. He's a silly guy, Helpless42. Don't let him get to you.

my mom made me get off because it was time for dinner so I sent it in and was about to add more, but compleatly forgot about it.

You could use Notepad or Microsoft Word or a program as such to type your stories and then save it so you won't lose it.

Anyway, there's nothing else to say. All my comments are in the above critique. I did like the idea, though. A little work and it can turn into a wonderful horror. ^_^ PM when you have more--I'd be happy to help. ^_^

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

I like it, but you should finish it, taking into consideration the others changes (in grammar). One thing I did notice, and that jabberhut did mention was this sentence:

The wind started to blow with new enthusiasm wiping Jessica’s short brown hair all around

I think you should change it to: The wind began to blow once more, whipping Jessica's short brown hair across her face with great enthusiasm.
I just think it sounds better, but it's your work and the story it's self is quite good.

-Morgie

thank for all you help guys, I really apprecate it, especially the grammer stuff.

Hi!

This was interesting...... It culd use a bit of work though. I think all the errors I noticed have already been pointed out, but I had a few things to add:

1. Space it out! Especially in the end it's way to cramped, and you should have spaces between dialogue line to make it easier on the eyes.

2. Description. Its WAAAAY to abrupt as it is. when you are going to switch from describing one thing to anotherm you need some kind of transition.

3. Suspence. There are quite a few places where you need to stretch it out a lot to bring up the suspence. Also there are places where her reactions don't seem realistic. Here is one such place:

“It’s OK Jessica; there is nothing here to be afraid of.”

This line is very cliche, and not very interesting. I know that if I was put in the same position, I might get very jumpy, my pulse would start to speed up, and I'd be aware of every detail of my surroundings. I probably also would try to dismiss my fear at first, but not by saying something like that,

4. choppiness. Quite a few uneven/awkward sentences. Here is one example:

The house wasn’t more than one hundred feet away but because of the way the wind was blowing, it looked more like ten miles. The wind started to blow with new enthusiasm wiping Jessica’s short brown hair all around. It died as quickly as it came. While the wing started to take another breath to finish her off, she ran the rest of the distance to the house. She looked up at the entrance to the house. Its dark wood paneling looked at her as if it would like to crush her. Jessica felt a shiver in her spin and jammed her key into the lock. As she flung the door open it screeched in protest. The house was cold and vacant; it felt wrong to be in the same room as what ever was in there with her.

First of all, it's spelled "Wind" not "wing" you made this typo twice. the house probably wouldn't LOOK ten miles away, but it mgiht feel like that because of the way the wind was blowing into her face. I also think "wiping" should be "Whipping". I also don't like the sentence where you trasition from talking about the wind, to the sentence where you talk about the house. also, why would the paneling look like it was going to crush her? elaborate. What does it actually look like?

5. Originality. There are just so many similar ghost stories out there. If you want it to be scary, you have to make it different. The 'old spooky creaky dark-panneled house' is over-used, as is the line "ghosts do not exist" and having a ghostly girl appear. I'd like to see this continued, with more description and more creativity.



Overall, this has potential, but its not the best right now. Most of the errors you have are easy fixes, and I think if you just take the time to fix them, then it has the potential to scare people.

I hope I wasn't to harsh! If you need a review, PM me.

Hey! I think that you wrote pretty well. There were a few typos like you wrote spin instead of spine. ':smt075')
(':smt075')
Several grammar mistakes, (I suck at grammar too!) Keep on writing!