All it takes

5 posts

Did i get the message out there?

yes
5
71%
no
2
29%
 
Total votes : 7


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Last edited by littlezeus92 on Wed Jan 02, 2008 3:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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I'm not really gonna crit. this based on punctuation or spelling or the rhyme, etc. I just want to say that it has a great message. "Don't Drink and Drive!" it screams! Kudos to you!

--Lucky




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I think you can make it more obvious, actually. Right now, it's all over the place. Is it a message against wife-beating, drunk driving, or relaxing? Or perhaps it discourages cirrhosis patients to go see the doctor. Who knows! In any case, I would suggest narrowing the topics, focusing on one, and doing that instead.
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I agree with Snoink. It is a little all over the place. I'd go back and slim it down.

All it takes is a little drink
to take away what you did
just a few more to go
until you’re at home beating your kids
Like this stanza. It dilutes the theme of "drinking and driving", plus, the last line is too long; you lose all sense of rhyme.

All it takes is some beer
to loosen up,guy
but it also takes just a little buzz
to get in an accident, and die
This is nice idea to rhyme, but the second line is too short and throws it off.

Other then that, I think it's pretty good.
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not bad...a bit confusing, but good message



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