The Alchemy Child: Chapter Five

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Hope you all enjoy! -.^

~Ally

----------------


Chapter Five

A day passed, with no signs of Jansen. Alita’s ears strained, picking up as much sound as they could. She wanted to be ready if something came near that didn’t sound like her little, furry friend. As Alita sat at the base of her tree, squirrels frolicked above, acting as if she wasn’t even there.

Just as Alita thought she was alone (except for the playful squirrels above); she heard rustling from in front of her. She quickly sprang into a defensive position, also noting that the squirrels became silent as well, one of nature’s tall tale sign that there was possible danger. Alita stayed as silent as a mouse as she watched the bushes. The moment she saw the figure appear, she cursed. “Damn it, Jansen! You scared me!” Alita roared angrily to the chuckling young man.

“I’m sorry, Alita. I didn’t mean to scare you. I thought you knew it was me,” Jansen said innocently. “Anyway, there’s a town about a half a day’s walk to the west. It’s a small town in Finland. We can stay at the inn and stock up for our travels at their store, and I need to call Corey to tell him we’re alright,” Jansen added seriously. He walked over to Alita, ruffling up her hair playfully than grabbed her traveling pack.

“Did you scout to see if they’re any academy guards?” Alita asked as she got to her feet and followed Jansen. “Where are Fizzy and your backpack?” Alita added, just realizing the mentioned items were missing.

“They’re in my hotel room. I got two rooms. One room for you, and one for Fizzy and me,” Jansen answered over his shoulder with a smile. “Also, I didn’t see anyone from the academy, but some guards might be under cover,” Jansen commented as he continued forward. On the outside, Jansen seemed playful, but on the inside, he was on alert. He didn’t want a repeat fight with Blake.

“So, we’re in Finland, which means we’re getting closer to Denmark. We’re getting closer to an academy, Jansen,” Alita said softly as she caught up to Jansen. “Can we afford to back track?” Alita asked, fear creeping into her voice.

“Don’t worry about it, Alita. I have it all planned out,” Jansen said confidently. He weaved through the woods and ended up at the entrance to the small town he was talking about. He didn’t even hesitate before walking through the entrance gate.

Alita, on the other hand, was more timid. She stopped a few feet from the entranced and looked up at the welcoming sign. “Welcome to Wildlin,” Alita whispered to herself, reading it from the sign. She let out a little sign than glanced behind her, feeling uneasy once more, and ran through the entrance to catch up with Jansen who was heading towards an inn. “Are you going to tell me this plan of yours or am I supposed to guess?” Alita asked with a bit on annoyance in her tone.

“I want it to be a surprise. So, you’ll have to guess, but I promise that we won’t get caught. I’ll die before I let those idiots touch us,” Jansen said happily, taking out a key from his pocket and tossing it to Alita. He than handed her, her traveling pack and pointed to a room with ‘12’ in black letters on a golden piece of metal that was screwed into a door. “That’s your room. I’m room 10. So if you need me, I’ll be there. I’ll tell you before I go wandering, I ask that you tell me before you go wandering,” Jansen said seriously than walked to the left for a few feet than pulled out a key and unlocked his door. He turned the brass knob and walked in without another word.

“Talk about rude!” Alita grunted and than unlocked door 12 and disappeared into the dark room. She smiled as she thought of having a nice, warm, long shower. It would be the best part of the whole trip!


To go back in time of The Alchemy Child, or spring ahead...< Prev_Next >
Last edited by kioneslayer on Sat Dec 29, 2007 1:57 am, edited 3 times in total.
"The Circle of Rising!" Alita shreeked while looking down at the circle with a seven-pointed star with a rose in it. The star's points touched the edge of the chircle while the rose almost seemed to drift in the middle. ~The Alchemy Child




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I haven't read the previous four chapters [yet], so this critique will be mainly for grammar.

Just as Alita thoughts she was alone (except for the playful squirrels above); she heard rustling from in front of her.


You've already said that the squirrels are above. It sounds boring and repetitive to say it again, so why not try '(except for the playful squirrels in the tree)] or something like that?

She quickly sprang into a defensive position, also noting that the squirrels became silent as well, one of nature’s tall tale sign that there was possible danger.


'Tall tale', I believe, should be 'telltale'. :wink:

Alita stayed as silent as a mouse as she watched the bushes.


I don't like the 'quiet as a mouse' simile. Not only is it cliched, but mice aren't exactly quiet.


“I’m sorry, Alita. I didn’t mean to scare you. I thought you knew it was me,” Jansen said innocently. “Anyway, there’s a town about a half a day’s walk to the west. It’s a small town in Finland. We can stay at the inn and stock up for our travels at their store, and I need to call Corey to tell him we’re alright,” Jansen added seriously. He walked over to Alita, ruffling up her hair playfully than grabbed her traveling pack.

“Did you scout to see if they’re any academy guards?” Alita asked as she got to her feet and followed Jansen. “Where are Fizzy and your backpack?” Alita than asked, just realizing the mentioned items were missing.

“They’re in my hotel room. I got two rooms. One room for you, and one for Fizzy and me,” Jansen answered over his shoulder with a smile. “Also, I didn’t see anyone from the academy, but some guards might be under cover,” Jansen commented as he continued forward. On the outside, Jansen seemed playful, but on the inside, he was on alert. He didn’t want a repeat fight with the stranger (Blake).

“So, we’re in Finland, which means we’re getting closer to Denmark. We’re getting closer to an academy, Jansen,” Alita said softly as she caught up to Jansen. “Can we afford to back track?” Alita asked, fear creeping into her voice.

“Don’t worry about it, Alita. I have it all planned out,” Jansen said confidently. He weaved through the woods and ended up at the entrance to the small town he was talking about. He didn’t even hesitate before walking through the entrance gate.

Alita, on the other hand, was more timid. She stopped a few feet from the entranced and looked up at the welcoming sign. “Welcome to Wildlin,” Alita whispered to herself, reading it from the sign. She let out a little sign than glanced behind her, feeling uneasy once more, and ran through the entrance to catch up with Jansen who was heading towards an inn. “Are you going to tell me this plan of yours or am I supposed to guess?” Alita asked with a bit on annoyance in her tone.

“I want it to be a surprise. So, you’ll have to guess, but I promise that we won’t get caught. I’ll die before I let those idiots touch us,” Jansen said happily, taking out a key from his pocket and tossing it to Alita. He than handed her, her traveling pack and pointed to a room with ‘12’ in black letters on a golden piece of metal that was screwed into a door. “That’s your room. I’m room 10. So if you need me, I’ll be there. I’ll tell you before I go wandering, I ask that you tell me before you go wandering,” Jansen said seriously than walked to the left for a few feet than pulled out a key and unlocked his door. He turned the brass knob and walked in without another word.

“Rude much!” Alita grunted and than unlocked door 12 and disappeared into the dark room. She smiled as she thought of having a nice, warm, long shower. It would be the best part of the whole trip![/quote]
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


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Hello, kinoeslayer :) . I'll start off with a line-by-line.

She wanted to be ready if something came near that didn’t sound like her little, furry friend.


Using the 'her' will make the writing more personal, and therefore, better.

Just as Alita thoughts she was alone


Thoughts = Thought.

“Did you scout to see if they’re any academy guards?” Alita asked as she got to her feet and followed Jansen. “Where are Fizzy and your backpack?” Alita than asked, just realizing the mentioned items were missing.


the words in bold are not needed, and than is used in teh wrong context (you need then). Use 'added' instead.

He didn’t want a repeat fight with the stranger (Blake).


You shouldn't really put things in brackets. Earlier was excuseable, but not this. Either have '....with the stranger' or '...with Blake'.

“Rude much!” Alita grunted


The use of words here doesn't make much sense. Are you tyring to say, 'that's very rude!' ?

Overall, I found this an enjoyable read, though can't really comment on developement, as I haven't read the other chapters. Standing alone however, it was good for someone of your age and I didn't end up nodding off.

The main mistakes were to do with grammar, but those are mostly easy to correct. Plot-wise, it felt a little slow and nothing much happened, but I suppose it was a short chapter and thigns needed to unwind.

Generally a good job, keep it up! :D



You know how hard it is to feel like an extreme falcon-headed combat machine when somebody calls you "chicken man"?
— Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid