A trip to the dentist's

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I wasn't entirely sure where to place this at first but I decided to put in fantasy section as it is quite unrealistic in the end. Anyway, this story plays with every child's fear of dentist's but with a few extra twists in it. I made it up for part of my coursework for uni and i've got a load of other story's/poems to put up later. Enjoy!
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Finishing off the last part of the form with my signature, I handed the piece of paper back to the receptionist's outstretched hand; my eyebrow's raised in silent questioning. “Why do I have to sign a release form that includes the words ‘and I hereby agree to not sue this installation for any mental anguishes that may be caused by the following operation?’”

She just gave me a wide smile. “Ah, you must be new here, did you get recommended this place by some friends?” I just nodded in response. “Well, don’t worry about it, you’re in no danger I can guarantee that. You’ll be looked after well; I promise.”

Those words did little to comfort the uneasy feeling spreading slowly inside of me as I looked around the waiting room. There was quite a crowd of people in the waiting room, all of them not what I could call normal. I could tell that the group sitting closest to me were emo’s just by the sheer amount of mascara on their eyes and their darkened clothing alone.

Sitting by the receptionist desk were a big group of middle-aged men, all of whom I thought looked a bit too eagerly for a dentist appointment By the window a good number of women were bunched together rather closely, all of them looking a bit overly masculine. Finally, the cherry on the cake were just the sheer number of tired yet overly eager looking mothers and eerily silent children sitting beside them.

“… Okay, I think I’m seriously missing something here.” Shaking that thought out of my head, I opened the door leading to the operation room, feeling like I should be heading in the opposite direction instead. However, of all the things I expected to happen, I was not expecting to be shoved quite violently into the looming grey dentist chair as soon as I stepped into the room.

“Hey! What the? – What are yo- wow…” I couldn’t help but just stare at the blonde beauty who standing by the greying door, her arms still outstretched from the action of pushing me. She was perfect; I had honestly no clue that dentists looked that good. She wore tight figure hugging clothes that displayed all of her curves perfectly and her skin was a deep creamy white colour. She was quite young as well; about 20 to 22 by my reckoning and her face was perfectly shaped; it was small in shape with a small button like nose and her lips were a full pouting red. Her eyes were small, slit like almost.

But... there was a strange… sharpness present in her eyes as she looked down at me that made the uneasy feeling churning inside my stomach grow even more than now.

It only took me one glance around me with all the pretty lethal looking equipment lying around the room before it hit me; I was living a child's nightmare of trip to the dentist’s. I let out a somewhat nervous laugh. “… You’re a fan of Orin Scrivello from the little shop of horrors, aren’t you?”

I don’t think she'd ever had someone react like I did then, someone simply asking a question without fear or confusion as she blinked in surprise, right before her eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Actually, I think he’s an unprofessional moron who didn’t know a single thing about dentistry and was created to provide a cheap laugh for the audience; laughing gas isn’t cheap now and it certainly wasn’t then.”

Shaking her head, she snapped a rubber glove from the counter over her hand, amusement flickering in her eyes. “You know, it’s usually midway through the first operation that anyone asks that question; you’re actually the first to ask it straight away.”

“Really? That’s a surprise considering how busy your waiting room was. By the way, those children out there… you don’t do the same thing that Orin did to his patients… do you?” I couldn’t help but ask somewhat nervously.

All I got was the snapping sound of the other rubber glove going on her hand. “Believe me when I say that most of the little hellions that go here deserve everything I do to them. I’ll admit, at first when I started out I just performed the standard operation on them. However, that was before I got properly introduced to them; believe me, the kids out their put demons to shame and deserve everything they get; I’d know since I had one for a little sister.”

I gulped as she inspected a quite severe looking saw instrument with multiple scrapers attached. “What about all the middle aged men sitting in the waiting room? All of them looked a bit too keen for a dentist appointment if you ask me...”

She chuckled lightly as she began to look through a drawer containing the equipment needed to inspect my mouth. “My, you’re certainly the talkative type, aren’t you? I like that; it makes for a more interesting operation. Anyway, I surpose it’s due to the rumors about my techniques that I get so many bored middle-aged men; that, or their friends have told them about the place. Of course, since I’m not exactly into older men they soon change their opinion once I’m finished with them.”

“Er…” Shaking my head, I quickly moved onto another subject. “What about all those women out there?”

For some strange reason she paused while rifling through the drawer, a blank look present on her face. “… Were any of these women a bit on the masculine side and were wearing shirts with logo’s on them like ‘join the revolution?’”

I looked up at her with raised eyebrows as I mentally looked over the women in the waiting room again. “Actually, basically all of them were wearing things like that.”

Much to my surprise she swore very loudly before she began to growl. “… Shit. That damned Martha let them book another session after I specifically told her not too! When I’m finished with her…”

I couldn’t help but chuckle at her dilemma; that soon changed to coughing as her eyes shot in my direction. “I wondered if they swung that way; their clothes gave it away the most, let alone their figures. But why would they be interested in you like that?”

This time it was her turn to chuckle as she pulled a scalpel and mirror out of the draw. “Well, it’s like I said before that it's all due to my techniques.”

“Geez, what do you do? Mount them or someth- woaw, woaw! What are doing?” The reason for my shouting was that as soon as she had reached the operation chair she had climbed on top of me with surprising speed and had position herself so that she was sitting over my stomach with both of her legs spread over my thighs. “… You know, I cannot imagine Orin doing anything like this.”

“Well of course; he enjoyed just putting his patients in pain more than doing the operation itself. Me? While I do have admittedly sadistic tendencies, I prefer doing the job in the end. Besides, if I did operations like he did then I would be liable to be sued for incompetence and I wouldn’t be able to stay in business. Anyway, open wide!”

“Gah!” With surprising speed and strength, she easily and quite violently pulled open my jaw before she began to inspect my mouth with the mirror. “… You’re quite violent, aren’t you?” I sputtered out in between a mouthful of mirror.

Chuckling in amusement, she pulled the mirror and scalpel out of my mouth to allow her to slide herself into a more comfortable position as she continued to inspect my mouth; her skirt ridding-up as a result of this. “Actually, you’re the first person who’s been dumb enough to say that during their first operation, but I’ll let it slide for now since it’s true.”

Staring down at her ridden-up skirt, I couldn’t help but chuckle weakly at the situation I had got myself into. “You don’t do this with all of your patients do you?”

She snorted in response to my question. “Of course not; for one thing I’m not a pedophile and most of the older men that come here are all over me even before I even get a chance to get my equipment out. And I don't mean that kind of equipment before you say anything."

"Anyway, the younger ones tend to vary; either their quite scared of me, turned on or just confused. I find that the first ones are more amusing to perform on; the second tends to vary on my mood and how far they go while the third are no fun at all. It’s kind of the same thing with women but I find they know how to play far better than quite a few of the men that come here.”

I shot her a quizzled look. “… You’re a lesbian?”

“No, I’m bisexual; while I prefer men I do like the soft touch of a woman.” She paused for a moment as she realized what she had just said. “Ack! What am I saying? Why am I getting so personal with someone I just met?”

I just shrugged, a smile playing my face at the flustered look dancing across her features. “It’s a gift of mine.”

Shaking her head about, she regained her place mentally and began to inspect my mouth again. “… Okay, it looks like your teeth are in good condition and the same can be said for your gums. However, the same can’t be said for what’s in between you teeth; you haven’t been flossing properly have you?”

I shrugged weakly. “Well, my last dentist just inspected my mouth and said that I should brush regularly, so no.”

She rolled her eyes in exasperation as she held up the scalpel this time. “Great, another amateur; can’t the board do anything right these days?”

I bit my tongue to hold back my reply to her statement. However, she noticed my pursed lips and gathered what I would have said anyway. “Yes, I know it’s like the pot calling the kettle black. But I’m not the only one you know who performs operations like this; our group is spread world-wide.”

My mouth opened in aghast and shock, giving her a perfect opportunity to place the scalpel in my mouth. “There's more than one of you guys?” I sputtered out between a mouthful of metal.

Chuckling, she quite gently pushed me down into the chair this time. “Of course there is, I am just one of many from our group. A number of the dentists in England belong to our group, let alone the world. It’s called the S & M dentists club and before you say anything yes, I see the humor in that. Now hold still for a moment so I can finish with you mouth.”

For a moment the only sound was that of her surprisingly gentle hand scrapping out the bits of food between my teeth. That gentleness, combined with her position on my lap wasn’t exactly doing great things to my hormones and it was clearly showing. She paused and began to chuckle when she felt something spring up beneath her legs. “Well, it seems someone’s happy to see me.”

Despite myself, I couldn’t help but blush slightly. “Well what do you expect? It’s not everyday that a beautiful women sits on you lap like this and your hand is so gentle.”

At my words she began to chuckle healthy for a long time and when she did stop her eyes had lost the hardness that had been present in them before and a warm smile was present on her face. “You know what? I like you; you’ve got an interesting personality. I’ll tell you what, I’m free a 7; how about you pick me up then?”

I paused for a moment to stare at the figure sitting on my lap. “Date a domineering and violent but drop dead gorgeous dentist? I don’t know…”

“I promise I won’t do anything related to S & M on you. Besides, it’s not really my kind of thing outside of work anyway; I’m more into the Karma Sutra. Unless of course you want me to…”

“… Ah, what the hell; I’ll pick you up at 7. I guess I’m kind of interested as well; it’s not everyday that you can date someone who's interested in both sexes and has a killer body with a great mind to boot… their hobbies aside.”

“Great! Well, that about wraps it up; could you possibly send in the next person?”

I paused for moment to think about who was next in line. “I think it’s the group of lesbians who are next.”

She winced. “Great, I just hope they don’t try and wrestle me to the ground like last time; I had a hell of a job just getting them off me, let alone performing the operation on them. I wouldn’t really mind it so much but they take it too far… Oh, before I forget, my name is Hannah.”

“George, see ya later.” As I exited the operation room I told the group outside that it was their turn, eliciting hungry stares from them, elicting a chuckle from me as I left the building altogether. “Boy, did I not expect anything like this; and to think the real fun doesn’t start till tonight…”
Last edited by hunter111 on Sat Dec 22, 2007 11:27 am, edited 1 time in total.
'No, the burned hand teaches best. After that advice about fire goes to the heart' - gandalf, lord of the rings.




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Lo there dude. Told you I’d get around to critting something of yours … I’m only a quarter of a year late. ;)

___________________

Finishing off the last part of the form with my signature, I handed the piece of paper back to the receptionists-outstretched hand, both of my eyebrows were raised in silent questioning.


You have two grammatical errors in here.

1) ‘the receptionists-outstretched hand’ should be ‘the receptionist’s outstretched hand’.

2) The last clause in this sentence (‘both of my eyebrows were raised in silent questioning’) doesn’t flow from the rest of it, and doesn’t actually make sense. It should either be a new sentence, or the last comma should be a semi-colon.


‘and by I hereby do agree to not sue this installation for any mental anguish’s that may be caused by the following operation?’


1) I’m not sure that first ‘by’ should be in there.

2) ‘anguish’s’ should actually be ‘anguishes’.


“Well, don’t worry about it; you’re in no danger I can guarantee, you’ll be looked after well; I promise.”


You’re semi-colon usage here is rather confused. Remember: a semi-colon is used in the same place a full stop could be used. And while your use is technically correct for some of these, it reads a little weird. I think you could also do with a comma before ‘I can guarantee’.

This is how I think it should be done:

“Well, don’t worry about it, you’re in no danger, I can guarantee. You’ll be looked after well, I promise.”

You could use a semi-colon instead of that full stop, but too many semi-colon’s tend to annoy people, so you may be best off using a full-stop unless you really wanna use one.


Their was quite a crowd of people there, all of them not what I could call average; first their was one or two people who I could distinctively tell were emo’s just by the amount of mascara on their eyes and darkened clothing. The second was a big group of middle-aged men who were looked on strangely eagerly for a dentist appointment and a number of women who looked a bit overly masculine and were bunched rather closely together. Finally, the cherry on the cake was the sheer number of tired yet overly eager looking mothers and eerily silent children sitting beside them.


1) A number of times you’ve used ‘their’ where you want ‘there’. This confused me at first, cos I’ve never known you to make this mistake. Anyways, I’ve bolded (above) where you made the mistake.

2) You say ‘all of them not what I could call average’ - this is a rather awkward way to phrase it; something like ‘none of which I could call average’ would probably read easier.

3) You used a semi-colon for the first list of people (the emo’s), but then a full-stop for the other two. Be consistent - either use a semi-colon for all, or a full-stop for all.

4) I never knew you had mascara on darkened clothing? Reword ‘who I could distinctively tell were emo’s just by the amount of mascara on their eyes and darkened clothing’ so that it makes more sense: something like, ‘who I could distinctively tell were emo’s just by the amount of mascara on their eyes and the darkened clothing they wore.

5) A number of times you’ve used ‘was’ when ‘were’ would read better. I have underlined these points.

6) ‘The second was a big group of middle-aged men who were looked on strangely eagerly for a dentist appointment’ This doesn’t make any sense; reword.


I was not expecting to be shoved quite violently into the looming grey dentist chair as soon as I stepped into the room.

“Hey! What the? – What are yo- wow…” I couldn’t help but just stare at the blonde beauty who had just shoved me into the chair,


The bolded bit feels repetitive, mainly because you had just told that ‘I’ had just been thrown into the chair, in similar language.

I’m thinking changing the bolded bit to something like ‘that had just thrown me into the chair’ would help.


But, their was a strange… sharpness present in her eyes as she looked down at me that made the uneasy feeling churning inside my stomach grow even more than now.


1) ‘their’ = ‘there’.

2) I think you mean ‘even more than before[/b ]’, not ‘now’.


It only took me one glance around the room with all the pretty lethal looking equipment lying around the room before it hit me


Repetition of ‘room’ = bad. Just delete the second ‘the room’.


I was living a children nightmare of trip to the dentist’s


I think you mean: ‘I was living a [b]child’s nightmare of a trip to the dentist’s’



I let out somewhat nervous laugh.


Missing an ‘a’ after ‘out’.


I don’t think she’s ever had someone react like I did; someone just simply asking a question without fear or confusion as she blinked in surprise, right before her eyes narrowed in suspicion.


Your sentence clauses are all messed up here. You also change briefly to present tense. You also have the phrase ‘just simply’, which is repetitive (you only need one of them, as they both say the same thing). I think you want something more like:

‘I don’t think she’d ever had someone react like I did, someone [s]just[/s] simply asking a question without fear or confusion, as she blinked in surprise, right before her eyes narrowed in suspicion.’


You know, it’s usually midway through the first operation that everyone asks that question


‘everyone’ should be ‘anyone’.


What about all the middle aged me sitting in the waiting room?


‘me’ = ‘men’.


All of them looked a bit to keen for a dentist appointment if you ask me…


‘to’ = ‘too’.


their clothes gave it away the most, let alone there figures.


‘there’ = ‘their’. You get it right the first time here, so it’s a little strange you then mess up on the second one.


“Well, it’s like I said before it all due to my techniques.”


‘“Well, it’s like I said before, it’s all due to my techniques.”’


Starring down at her ridden-up skirt,


‘Starring’ = ‘Staring’.


Of course not; for one thing I’m not a pedophile and most of the older men that come here hands are all over me even before I even get a chance to get my equipment out.


This reads awkwardly. Try rephrasing?


“Well, my last dentist just inspected his mouth and said that I should brush regularly, so no.”


‘his’ = ‘my’.


Theirs more than one of you guys?


‘Theirs’ = ‘There’s’.


It’s everyday that a beautiful women sits on you lap like this


You’re missing the word ‘not’ here. ;)


it’s not everyday that you can date someone who interested in both sexes


‘who’ = ‘whose’.


that’s about wraps it up


‘that’s’ = ‘that’.


making me I turn chuckle in turn as I left the building altogether.


Sentences like this is why you need to proofread more thoroughly. ^_^

___________________

For more general suggestions:

1) As a semi-colon-philiac, it pains me to say this, but I think you need to cut back on your semi-colon usage. Sometimes, it’s better to just use full-stops.

2) Some of your dialogue feels rather stilted. Try reading it aloud to yourself, to get a feel of what reads natural, and what doesn’t.

3) I think it would help this piece to play up the erotic-ness? I really liked the melding of the erotic with the comic, unusual and almost disturbing nature of the dentist visit, and I think you should play to this strength. But of course, this is just a personal opinion.

-- Sureal ^_^
I wrote the above just for you.




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You have a very odd sense of humor and it shows. I think your story is very interesting and makes you wonder what will happen next.
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There, the improvements are finished so it should be a much better read. Thanks for the crit Sureal; i never would have realized that their was so many mistakes in my story...
'No, the burned hand teaches best. After that advice about fire goes to the heart' - gandalf, lord of the rings.



Remember: the plot is nothing more than footprints left in the snow after your characters have run by on their way to incredible destinations.
— Ray Bradbury