Vampire Lovers Chapter 1 Part 1

"She was in the backyard. Say it was a little past nine. When her prince pulled up. White pick-up truck. Her folks should have seen it comin' it was only just a matter of time. Plenty old enough and you can't stop love. " Fifteen year old Codie Watson sang to her MP3 player's music as she jogged down an England sidewalk. Her long brown hair bounced off her shoulders every step she took while her bright blue-green eyes concentrated on the ground in front of her.

"Codie! Codie come here!" She heard a familiar shrill voice shout. A round, plump woman with short blond hair and huge blue eyes was waving her arms towards Codie. Mrs. Scout. Cody thought with a smile.

"How can I help you?" Codie asked as if she were a game show host. Mrs.Scout's mouth formed a wide smile and she began laughing.

"Well, I was hoping that you could check my shop and see if I left anything in there." Mrs. Scout asked after she finished laughing.

"Are you moving or something?" Codie asked out of wonder.

"As a matter a fact I am. My son who lives in Germany is extremely ill and I have to move over there to take care of him." Mrs. Scout replied.

"Oh, ok. Well...I'll go check." Codie said sadly and took off down the street towards Mrs.Scout's shop.

Codie walked in, did a quick check, and started to walk out the door. Suddenly something caught her eye. She walked over to it and picked it up. A book? Codie thought to herself. Dust covered the front of the book. Codie blew the dust off sharply. She looked at the front. It was just a blank, blue cover. Codie opened the book slowly. On the inside in large letters it read, "The True Story of Vampires."

Codie ran back to Mrs.Scout with the book in her hands. She skidded to a stop almost running straight into the plump, blond-haired woman. Mrs.Scout turned around with a huge, toothy grin.

"So did you find anything?" She asked. Codie nodded and showed her the strange book. Mrs.Scout flipped through the pages with a confused look in her eyes.

"That is all I found. The title sounds interesting doesn't it?" Codie asked.

"It sure does. But I don't remember selling or buying anything like this." Mrs.Scout told Codie. Codie stared at her confusingly. "But since I am leaving tomorrow I guess I'll give it to you." She said with a smile. Codie smiled and hugged Mrs.Scout.

"Oh! I almost forgot!" Codie said excitedly, "Mom sent me to give these to you!" Codie reached into her brown knapsack that she kept on her back at all times. She pulled out a plate of fudge and a small address book.

"Mom gave this to me, to give to you but she wouldn't tell me what the occasion was, and I guess I know now. The address book has everybody's name, number, and address." Codie said with a smile as her and Mrs.Scout exchanged "gifts". Codie gave Mrs.Scout one last goodbye hug and began jogging back towards her house with loads of anticipation to read her new book.

Ok, well, to me the whole thing seems a little bit hollow. The action is abrupt and it feels like you're in too much of a rush to spring the word 'vampires' on the reader to get them intrigued. Yes, this is probably a story about vampires (unless I missed the point entirely, which happens sometimes), but it is also a story about this Sadie character, or so I'm assuming. So what you have to do is flesh her out a bit. She's fifteen and likes music, but what else? The beginning of a story is your best opportunity to show the reader what your characters are like. You don't have to tell us everything, but just enough so that we see some reasons behind her actions, how she presents herself to others and maybe even a little bit of backstory.
But be careful, don't just rattle of a bunch of things about her. Weave them into the story so the reader picks them up, don't just hit them over the head with a blunt facts.
So yes, my advice is that before you get into the nasty business of vampires, build character so that the reader has understanding of some aspect of the story. An unknown character in a world of vampires doesn't exactly sound like an environment that most readers would feel comfortable in.

However, that being said, you might just have a promising story here. So I urge you to keep writing. Always keep writing. And I'd like to see more of this.