A young girls suicide

A young girl sits face a picture of pain

Can’t hold back the tears as her latest cut appears

Deep and red against her vein

A young girl sits wishing she could put away her blade

Wants to be the girl she pretends to be


Carefree and forever happy

If only she could live that charade

A young girl sits devoured by sorrow

Trying hard to keep from dying

Her heart aches and her minds racing as she’s crying

The only hope that things will get better tomorrow

A young girl sits and tries to conceal

She'll never tell them how she feels inside

So she tries in vain to hide the one true testimony to how she feels

A desperate mother sits on her child’s bed

Desperate to know what’s on the young girls mind

But not prepared for what she'll find

The diary falls from her hands as she tries to accept what she's just read

A young girl sits fingering a length of rope

She can’t go on now they know she is a slave to the knife

Hating this miserable excuse for a life

The young girl knows there is no longer any hope

The young girl stands on a chair head in a noose

She isn’t afraid she welcomes death

So she steps off the chair with one last breath

The young girl swings from her bedroom light

Her head no longer loose

A heartbroken mother lifts her dead child to the floor

Wondering if she could have saved her if she had only seen

How close to the edge she really was

But she needn’t have wept because at that final moment she had found the

peace she had been searching for

Did she know or did she care

How much suffering she had caused when she leapt from that chair.

Oh please. We've read it all before. Next time, at least try to be original, okay? I'm not even sure this is worth my large red EMO stamp. Please toss this, go to your public library, and read some good poetry. Reading will help you so much I can't stress it enough. I understand that I'm being harsh (and the brilliant thing about this is that you shouldn't take it personally, as it is a critique not of your person but of your work), but this has not one shred of unique writing in it. I could've spliced it together from the countless other emo poems rotting in the depths of the internet.

Also, please don't post more than one new piece per day. It's okay if you're a new member, but I saw four posts by you in a row. This makes people avoid your work and it also gives the impression that you spend very little time on it.

Better luck next time.
-Colleen

This was pretty bad, but I encourage you to write something about something else.

Colly has stolen the words from my mouth...


Or perhaps I just don't like depressing poetry?

I take that back!

The Garden of Love
by William Blake

I went to the Garden of Love,
And saw what I never had seen;
A Chapel was built in the midst,
Where I used to play on the green.

And the gates of this Chapel were shut
And "Thou shalt not" writ over the door;
So I turned to the Garden of Love
That so many sweet flowers bore.

And I saw it was filled with graves,
And tombstones where flowers should be;
And priests in black gowns were walking their rounds,
And binding with briars my joys and desires.

Oh, my gosh! Why is it when someone writes about blood or death it automatically becomes emo?! I'm so sick of it! The poem was great, it had alot of things I liked. One; it had a point. The girl was pushed over the edge so she ended her life. That doesn't make it emo people!

Hey,
Your story was really interesting but, have you tried to write anything else?
Not that it matters or anything but I was just wondering cause I think that with your skills ou could write mjore interesting stuff that alot of poeple would read and be more interested in.
Keep wrtiting and like I, said try something knew for a change
(really you should take my advice, cause you could go far)
awsome work

Insomniac wrote:Oh, my gosh! Why is it when someone writes about blood or death it automatically becomes emo?! I'm so sick of it! The poem was great, it had alot of things I liked. One; it had a point. The girl was pushed over the edge so she ended her life. That doesn't make it emo people!

Fine, just replace the word "emo" with "boring senseless drama filled non-drama dealing with pain, death, suffering, and other wise self-loathing thats mass produced like every other writer."

It'll come out the same, though.
Why not something mystical and whimsy filled? Those provoke the fancy and wonder.

Sponson, please do not encourage them...?

Don't argue or spam the persons threads over critiques. This is for critiques, not for comments on the critiques.

kitty,


This is a less than original idea rendered in less than original prose with funky linebreaks and spacing.

Did you even bother to read through this before posting it? What in the world does "A young girl sits face picture of pain" mean? It's nonsense<--a phrase I'm ready to apply to about 80% of the rest of the lines.

When they do make sense, nobody cares.

Throw this away; start over.


Best,
Brad

Erm...
To be brutally honest, this was:
- Unoriginal
- Bad quality
- Badly thought out

Most lines didn't make sense. Also, I noticed that you tried a rhyming scheme, but it didn't really work. Half the poem was forced rhyming, the other half...poorly put together. >.<

This has all been writen before. Countless times, in fact. Why not try something new? As shanan said, try branching out from poetry and trying prose or something. You have some pretty nice wording here, but it doesn't mean anything when it's mixed in with garbled lines about suicide.

Better luck next time!
-Ayra

This poem displays a fundamental ignorance (possibly disinterest) in what makes a poem engaging to a reader. On some level, the reader must relate to the work. Because of this, the medium you have chosen seems utterly ill-suited to your message, because the reader cares nothing for this girl, nor her petty problems.

BOO HOO.

You have created a cardboard character, and you have given her cardboard problems. That is to say, neither the girl, nor her worries are in any way developed. This is crucial. I could wax poetic about why I am currently feeling a lack of faith in humanity, but it would be uninteresting if I didn't tell you why. This holds true time and time again. A simple expression of mundane emotion has no currency with the reader unless it is explained.

Feed your garbage can with this.

Suzanne wrote:Sponson, please do not encourage them...?

Don't argue or spam the persons threads over critiques. This is for critiques, not for comments on the critiques.

Kay'

---

But its been said, the worst part about writing within a certain genre means you're writing within that certain genre.

Anyone can write about suicide, but can you make it special?

For example, some writers use black/dark humor to make their poem stand out. One particular writer wrote about how much of a hassle it was to off themself, so they decided to give up killing themselves due to sheer laziness, the closing line was "I may as well live".

Smart, witty, funny, still dark and sadistic, it.... for a lack of a better term, stays.

----

With so many of these poems around, you'd think all of America would be desensitized to death.

That is to say, neither the girl, nor her worries are in any way developed.

EXACTLY. Why should we care she dies? We aren't emotionally tied to the girl. Theres a difference between the character in the OP's poem dieing, than say Professor Snape, whos grown with the reader through 6 books (or something).

Make it personal. Offensive or non.

I agree, the idea of suicide has beeen done countless of times, but the idea isnt a bad one, atleast i think, just make it more unique, better wording and structure.

Personally, I don't HATE the poem or think you should toss it completley. You should NEVER completely toss a poem. There's always something you can work with.

First, I will agree that the idea isn't the most original, however, it doesn't take that much effort (like people make it out to be) to make this original. Use this as your skeleton for a new poem.

For a topic like this, I really like reading poetry that gives images instead of explanations. Pick a specific line in the poem that has a personal effect on you or that you think will have some effect on your audience. Then, begin to construct a scenario, using only imagery, to re-paint the emotions, actions, and meaning you are trying to get across. The part I really liked about the poem was the mother's reaction. Why not take some lines about the mother and, using the idea I stated above, try and re-write the poem? It might turn out better than you expected and it's sure better than completely scrapping it.

Good luck with this and I hope your second stab at this shows your true writing ability.