Useless Verse

On the steps to school
a senior whimpered in my ear:
“Homer was rejected!
second year in a row!”

And something hazy climbed back
to the crypts of my mind:

a rainy day in San Diego
and we ran out of class and jumped into puddles
skipping with black umbrellas
all the way home.

They say man’s morals are older than man;
but Homer?

Hate to sound ignorant, but I didn't understand this piece. As always, the poem itself is brilliant - I've always loved your poetry - but this one went over my head. What is the connection between Homer and the children/senior? Are you referring to Homer the author of Iliad and The Odyssey, or, on a more crass level, Homer Simpson? (Doubt it).

Personally, poetry that I don't understand, even after a little digging, I don't like. It's too abstract. It's too out there. I don't mind a subtle poem (most of mine, regrettably, aren't) but there comes a point when a poet crosses the fine line from inspiration into pot induced babblings.

Good words, but what do they mean put together?

-Kylan

I liked this the first time through, but after a couple reads, I've come to think it's hollow. Mildly interesting, yes, but hollow.

With poetry as short as this, you either need to say a lot with few words, or only have a little to say. This seems to be a weird mesh between the two. As Kylan said, work on linking your images and your meanings together: as someone once said to me, "The strings are there, you just need to lace them up"

I'll be interested in seeing a revise, mayhaps?

I'd like to say that I understood this piece but I honestly don't.
If it's based on a personal event then that's great but I honestly couldn't find the 'message' or whatever it was in here.

The actual language of the poem is good, it's actually interesting, I can't quite understand why but I think abstract poetry is something you could do well if you made it more understandable

a senior whimpered in my ear

Should that be whispered?

As a final stab, i'm going to take this piece as a poem about how you can write a poem about just about anything, a beautiful thing indeed.

I have to second Kylan and Whence. Although, I understand it. I just don't know what it is about. Where is the deeper meaning? What is this trying to tell me, and make me feel?

Perhaps I am bias, because I prefer poetry to have a meaning beyond the words. ^_^ Sorry, I don't know how you could fix this because I do not know what you were going for.

The vagueness of "homer" also leaves some issues....

This all sounds very nice, but I think you need to connect the dots just a bit further because honestly, I have no idea what's being said. It's a pretty picture, what with the rain and the school; the sparseness of it is refreshing, but it's not quite there yet.

Look especially towards the third and fourth stanzas because that's where any meaning seems to break down into ambiguity. If you edit this, could you let me know? I'd like to see what you'll do with it. ^^

Hey i enjoyed this poem somewhat
i dont really understand the concept

at first i thought it had no imagery and actually about school
but im assuming that it is something deeper

my poems are often really deep and nobody really understands then entirely until i explain to them, and it gets to be annoying

this is originally formatted and has a unique style of writing

Thanks for everything!

All of you guys thought the same thing--it's too abstract, too unconnected.

I agree.

Here's what I see it as:

On the steps to school
a senior whimpered in my ear:
“Homer was rejected!
second year in a row!” (HOMER IS THE AUTHOR OF ODYSSEY AND ILLIAD,SO ON)

And something hazy climbed back
to the crypts of my mind: (THIS SAYS THAT POETRY BRINGS FEELINGS BACK)

a rainy day in San Diego
and we ran out of class and jumped into puddles
skipping with black umbrellas
all the way home. (THIS SAYS THAT POETRY CAN BE....I DONT KNOW ACTUALLY. )

They say man’s morals are older than man;
but Homer? (THIS SHOWS THAT HOMER IS AN EXCLUSION FROM POETRY.)


It sucks. But that's okay--it was my stab at something completely unsignificant and weird and

gadi wrote:Thanks for everything!

All of you guys thought the same thing--it's too abstract, too unconnected.

I agree.

Here's what I see it as:

On the steps to school
a senior whimpered in my ear:
“Homer was rejected!
second year in a row!” (HOMER IS THE AUTHOR OF ODYSSEY AND ILLIAD,SO ON)

And something hazy climbed back
to the crypts of my mind: (THIS SAYS THAT POETRY BRINGS FEELINGS BACK)

a rainy day in San Diego
and we ran out of class and jumped into puddles
skipping with black umbrellas
all the way home. (THIS SAYS THAT POETRY CAN BE....I DONT KNOW ACTUALLY. )

They say man’s morals are older than man;
but Homer? (THIS SHOWS THAT HOMER IS AN EXCLUSION FROM POETRY.)


It sucks. But that's okay--it was my stab at something completely unsignificant and weird and

Other than the Homer reference, I don't really see how this relates to poetry. The explanation of how that line means poetry brings feelings back could be improved because the line and the explanation seem to have nothing to do with each other. And from there... without establishing somewhere that you're alluding to poetry, the rest doesn't follow.

If it's any consolation - given a different meaning I quite like this poem. As I don't have a clue who Homer is, I looked at this as homer being someone who was taking exams or entering a competition of some sort, and remembers back to when he used to have passion where now he doesn't. Whether it's poetry or anything else, I think it seems to fit.

Maybe you could jumble this around a little more, you've got some good ideas.
I love the way you've described the scene in San Diego, and the line 'skipping with black umbrellas', the contrast is brilliant.

Keep up the good work.

I'm not really sure about this one. I mean, the first read, I thought it was good. But I read through a couple more times...and now I'm not so sure that it makes sense. I think you have a good start here but maybe try reading this over again and see if you notice things that are meaningless and add more significant things into your poem!

Hope this helps!

This verse didn't seem so useless to me. Maybe I'm just abstract. I haven't a clue. But it was decent to me. The only thing is that you should reconsider fixing the last two lines; they aren't so clear as far as conclusions go

Gadi,

The fact that so many people did not like your poem is commendable. You are on the right path to becoming a poor, starved poet.

All kidding aside, the importance put on "understanding" poetry, in this forum and in our society, often chokes the life out of poetry. Poems can enter into your bosom, sit, steep, and move you in some way, even if your conscious mind was not able to assign a well-defined meaning to every symbol in the poem. In fact, when we analyze a poem in such a way, we often prevent it from stirring anything but our minds. Poetry is more powerful than that. Symbolism is not merely one thing representing another, it is not an author's conscious effort to say, "This candlestick is a penis!" That's only signage. Symbolism connects the small with the great, the expressible with the inexpressible.


Anyway, your poem is quite good. I like it all the way up to the question. I'm undecided whether I love the question or not, but I really did enjoy this poem.

What?
what are you talking about? I don't get it. It seems like all different types of subjects thrown in a blender, no offense.

Unfortunately, I didn't get it either. I read this expecting some powerful metapoetry, which is what you advertised this as. (Metapoetry is poetry about poetry.) Instead, all I got was a heap of disconnected thoughts.

However, your play on Homer the poet/Homer Simpson was amusing (if intended) and you had to wonderful imagery ("something hazy climbed back/to the crypts of my mind") but you didn't tie these together properly. The poem lacked structure and an overarching message. If you find this difficult, try and sum up in one sentence the intention behind the poem. Not how it reads, but your original intention. Then compare this your piece and make necessary changes.

But the real problem with this was that it was too telling. You didn't SHOW us anything regarding the speaker's thoughts or feelings; instead, you spoonfed them down our throats. Experiment with more imagery! I would really like to see more of the image discussed above.

Your punctuation could also do with improving. (" 'Homer was rejected for/the second year in a row!' ")

Your elegant style really shows in this piece: it's a shame the subject matter didn't match it.

Keep writing!

Gahks



(At the moment, this is 3/10. With more focus and revision, you can bump this up to a 7 at least. I know you can do it!)