I am human.

I am broken,
it's the morning after.
I failed to sleep
but could not stay awake.
I thought deeply
refusing to remember.

I found a heart
and proceeded to lose it.
I kissed a mouth
but forgot whose it was.
I sang merry songs
not knowing the words.

I twisted a lie,
It rung me out.
I created a world,
it was never mine.
I remembered all I had
then let it slip away again.

What is it I could be
but human?


SECOND EDIT: Still working out the kinks.

I like this a lot, you've captivated a lot of the qualities of being humans --mostly we all make mistakes. It's nice and I liked the theme

I really liked the flow and rhythm in this -- you did a good job! Except for this line: but didn't make it mine. -- It just tripped me up, perhaps you could reword it? I don't know.

I couldn't find any obvious mistakes. You did good, PA ^^

i really enjoyed reading this. i like how you created the confusion. it read well.

kim

Oh Pingu... This is beautiful! Sometimes it helps to remember that last line when we go through stuff like this, you know?

Helped me out, at least.

Anyway, my one suggestion is in the second stanza. You use "forgot" twice, and while it didn't really bother me while reading it, I think I'd like to see more variation, since you've varied the others.

Really, though, I love your structure and flow. I also like how you divided up the stanzas -- they each seem to have their own theme, but it's all about life, you know?

Great stuff, my darling Pingu. ^_^ *snuggles* I do hope you're feeling better.

Thank you all for commenting.

I fixed up that bit of repetition, though I'm not sure I like what I cahnged it to (hehe) thanks for that. I understand the issue on that line Audy, I'm still trying to work out how I want it. ^^

Thank you all, once again, it's very much appreicated that you took the time to read and comment.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.


EDIT: I worked it out. Hopefully this is more suitable.

I really like how you started with
'I am broken'
And ended with:
'I am human'
on that last line, it means the poem has gone in a circle, and to tell you the truth, I like circles

Anyway this poem was great, I don't really have any 'gripes' with it

One thing that bugs me though, is the topic:
'Humans make mistakes'

I've never truly understood this because every creature makes mistakes. A rabbit could make the mistake of running on a road and he would end up a little less alive, it's not a human thing really. But that's just a general grumbling of mine

Your poem was excellent

I actually liked this quite a lot, Peng, but at the same time I didn't. The reason I liked it was because it reminded me of the British Renaissance poems about love that say things like "I am cold yet I sweat," contradictions always win out. But at the same time I didn't like it because I didn't feel any emotion with it. Which is weird, because I see the emotion in the lines but I don't feel anything when I read it. I don't really know how to tell you to change that, which makes me feel useless but I just can't tell you because I don't know!

But anyway, I'm going to nitpik here...

I am broken,
[s]and [/s]it's the morning after.
I failed to sleep
but could not stay awake.
I thought deeply
[s]then[/s] refusing to remember.

The morning after what? At first I think I know what it's the morning after of, but after that it kind of trails off and loses the idea.

I found a heart
and proceeded to lose it.
I kissed a mouth
but didn't know whose it was.
I sang merry songs
then forgot the words.

I don't really have any little details about this stanza that stick out as weird, but something about it just doesn't sit right with me. Maybe try a reword that would let you ditch some of the filler words but still get your point across?

I twisted a lie
and it came back to me. < try "it rung me out" ...twisted, rung out, get it? XD
I created a world
but couldn't make it mine.
I remembered all I had
then let it slip away again.

Try a reword of L3-4.

I am human.

I'd add something above this like "Through it all I remembered I forgot I am human." to go with the theme...otherwise it's just kind of a bland ending.


I hope this helped! Happy Editing!
-V (Athena)

This is a brilliant and thoughtful poem. Every line seems to fit perfectly in it's place, even the title. I know this isn't a very helpful crit, but I thought I'd say well done anyway. Keep it up. Kudos.

This is really good, pengu...


The only thing I didn't like was the last line. I think you shoudl contain it to its style, and perhaps let I am human come out as a theme (which might involve some rewriting if you really want it to come out...) I was also hoping for a really lovely, witty ending line, but it fell flat for me... I don't really have any suggestions, but you need a bang-hiss ending, if you know what I mean. Fireworks for the fireworks, so to speak? A good, solid ending would make this an even more amazing poem.

Best of luck!

Thankyou sooo much everyone, for the fabulous crits. Obviously I did a little work on it in there, and forgot to comment at the same time... hopefully this is a little more suitable.

You all made brilliant points, and I'll keep looking back on this to see if I can work on it some more.


Thank you once again.


*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Heya! Here's the critique :


I am broken,
it's the morning after. <-------Capitalize 'i'.
I failed to sleep <---------I'm unsure if this needs punctuation.
but could not stay awake. <--------Capitalize 'b'.
I thought deeply <----------Again, unsure about the punctuation thing.
refusing to remember. <----------Capitalize 'r'.

I found a heart
and proceeded to lose it. <------Capitalize 'a'.
I kissed a mouth
but forgot whose it was. <-------Capitalize 'b'.
I sang merry songs
not knowing the words. <--------Capitalize 'n'.

I twisted a lie,
It rung me out.
I created a world,
it was never mine. <---------Capitalize 'i'.
I remembered all I had
then let it slip away again. <-------Capitalize 't'.

What is it I could be
but human? <---------------This whole part confuses me...


Otherwise, I really liked this. Sorry that I focused a lot on punctuation, etc.. I've got OCD... Lol. That is my excuse. Anyway, my favorite part of this is where it said 'I kissed a mouth but forgot whose it was.' And I also liked 'I twisted a lie, It rung me out.' It was spine-chillingly good! Awesome job.

This poem was good -- I really liked it!

For some reason the way it contradicted itself every few lines really appealed to me.

Bravo!

Merry Writing!
~Bella~

why does every thing remind me of Eva...thats a good thing...I liked it gets to human levels and human mistakes

PenguinAttack--


From the bottom...

I see no purpose in beating your readers over the head with the fact that you're human in S4. The title does a decent job.

As for the rest, I think you could lose L5-6 in each stanza to no detriment. From that point, you need to find an interesting way to unify the images you have given in a way that is not so thematically driven. Concrete images, concrete ideas--these will push your writng much farther than general abstractions and statements of fact.


Best,
Brad

Beautiful piece of poetry! I love how it encompassed humanity as a whole.

"I found a heart
and proceeded to lose it.
I kissed a mouth
but forgot whose it was.
I sang merry songs
not knowing the words."

Other than the capitalization errors, this was, by far, my favorite part. I'd love to see more of your writing