A God's Game - Prologue

Prologue I
THE GAME BEGINS

“God hasn’t been proven not to exist, so therefore he must exist.”
- Sid Mier’s
- Alpha Centauri

HALL OF THE GODS
SOME TIME, SOME YEAR

The Trickster grinned around a mouthful of grapes. He cheerfully pelted his brother with the seeds.

“Oh, for Our Sake’s! Grow up will you?” His brother rounded on him, his eyes tinged red.

“Now, now Brother!” The Trickster stuck out his tongue, “No fightin’ in the Hall of the Gods,” He blew a childish raspberry. “You were the one to create that rule.”

Their Sister sighed at them from the comfort of her chaise, “Boys, boys, naught else you to do?”

“Oh!” The Trickster cried gleefully, “How about another Challenge? It’s been, what, over half a centaury since the last one? Oh, wait, was it yesterday? No, it couldn’t have been. . . .”

“No wonder they call you the Fool.” The Master half muttered under his breath.

“You’re just sore, ‘cos you lost last time!” The Trickster gloated, “What say you, Sister? Fancy losing to yours truly, yet again?”

The Mistress rolled her eyes, “You only won that last one because I was too kind to crush your forces into the dust,” She grinned, revealing slightly pointed teeth, “I beg you to get new players. That Zoe? And Mindi, and that buffoon Tory?”

The Trickster’s smile slid off his laughter wrinkled face, “Buffoon!” He scowled at her, “That Fern of yours would be more useful as an actual fern; much prettier, and less maintenance.”

The Master sniggered.

“And you!” The Trickster pointed a long accusing finger at his Brother, “Your whole lot died, fighting amongst themselves for absolute power, you didn’t even last the 50 years allocated time!”

The Master’s upper lip curled in distaste, “Well, this time they shall conquer.”

Their Sister sat up, “What are the conditions?” She asked eagerly.

“Any Time/Age/Era/Eon.”

The Mistress and the Trickster both nodded in agreement, and a crafty gleam came to the Trickster’s eyes.

“What about stealing players from each other – it’ll give the game more oomph.”

“Conversion – I like it!” The Trickster stroked his chin, “As many followers/gatherers as one wants.”

Their Sister said dryly, “At least a few new people,” The Trickster looked deflated. “Oh, and by the way, we start from scratch. Meaning, a new world, and a new agenda.”

“What about. . . .” The Trickster shifted through a few CD’s, he held up one with a golden Key shining on it, “The Key to the Breach of the Worlds?”

“Excellent,” The Master paused, “A new one – where’d you get it?”

The Trickster shrugged.

The Mistress closed her eyes and they were surrounded with stars, planets and galaxies. She opened them and picked out five planets, “Human civilizations living upon them, from five different galaxies,” She looked up at both of her Brothers, “New worlds to play with – untouched.”

The Trickster snapped his fingers and the rest of the Universe was gone from their sight, leaving only the five worlds. Another snap of his fingers, and the worlds were lying flat on the coffee table. Two were about the same size, but the other three varied.

The Master waved his hand and the three anomalies shrunk or grew to fit within the range of the other two. They watched as the five maps of the worlds settled into an neat even pile on the stardust coffee table.

The Mistress drew a jagged and very random line across the pile of maps, and the line glowed and shimmered.

The Trickster smiled and pressed his index finger to all four corners of the map on top. There was a hiss and a fizzing sound as the four corners of all maps melded together. Then they all closed their eyes, and the CD rose from the table and melted into the maps, “It is done, and let us proceed.”

“Good luck!” Their Sister kissed both Brothers on the cheek, before popping out of the Hall of the Gods with a small flicker of light.

“May the best man win.” The Trickster said courteously and stuck out his hand.

“I plan to.” Said the Master, and ignoring the proffered hand, disappeared in a smoky haze.

“Indeed,” Murmured the Trickster, and lowered his hand, “May the Game begin.” Smiling slightly, he snatched up a bunch of grapes and walked cheerfully out of the room, whistling a small tune.

-----------

Any good? jai

Hey there.

Ok first of all, this piece doesn't really have such a strong base. Tricksters, Master, CD, stars, planets and galaxies. How are they related? Can you elaborate as to how they fit in this piece? At the moment, these ideas feel all jumbled and simply thrown in. There isn't much relevance to it and I can't see the direction behind this.

Characters don't appeal to me either. They appear to be gods to me, but there isn't that depth to their characterization that makes me believe that they were gods. How were their actions influenced by their power? How do they view their situation? What is their view of their surroundings and life? You expect me to believe that they were gods without even showing the reason nor the incentive that they were?

The Trickster is typical. He eats a grape and does all these trickster related actions, but there is neither substance nor reason behind them. They just happen and you don't really explain as to how this is tied with his personality. The same goes for the master. We just can't relate to them in any way...they just feel one dimesional.

You also need more imagery in this piece. It's telling more than showing and it's quite dull and unexciting to read. Describe more on the environment the characters are in and their actions and appearances. I found it quite hard to picture what is happening.

I won't comment much on the dialogue. It does portray your characters' personality in a sense, but is neither special nor memorable.

ok. *winces* harsh and maddening.


I see your point as regards to the descriptions, but I was aiming for a Richard Laymonesque writing, not actual, full blown, JRR Tolkien over descriptive writing.

I've cooled down now - I mean, you're a cool guy, and it was unfortunate that you were the one to make these comments.

So. . . Anyways. . . *sigh* I'll try and take in your suggestions (note the word "try"), in the morning, when I'm not as tired and grumpy!

*smiles ruefully* Again, sorry Andy!

jai [9:53PM]

A Modly Note: Take it as a side note to my critique, if you will. Yelling at people because they put their time into critiquing something for you isn't nice. ^_^ Take something with a shrug, realize they are only trying to help you. When someone critiques, they are not stomping on your "pride and joy", heck they're not even stomping. They're trying to help you make your pride and joy better, and to it's full extent. I realize you said sorry, but I am still compelled to say something. If you are only going to respond to your critiques in such a way, then please, don't post anything at all.


On to the critique...

From the very beginning, I didn't care about the characters at all. It felt like you threw characters at me, and there was nothing else there. Just.. people. Talking. Doing something. But what reason did I have to care?

Beginnings are difficult, because you have to do a lot in a short space of time or your reader doesn't care and stops reading. You have to introduce your setting, and your characters, and you conflict...all of it. Your setting should be explained, or easy to understand, as soon as possible. Your characters should be fully developed, and lively from the moment they walk on stage. Make them round, real people. Trying looking around the Character Development user group for some ideas. Your conflict also has to be present very quickly. Answer this: Why should your reader continue after this? There should be a reason for them to want to read more. You also need a good hook within the first three paragraphs of the story, something that makes me say, "Wow, I really like this, what else is there?"

As you can tell, the beginning of a story is about pleasing your reader, but of course, so is all writing... in a way. You can please yourself and the reader at the same time. Usually, a happy writer does produce a very happy reader. ^_^

My suggestion: think about what you're doing. What are you trying to write? Think it over. Figure out the best place to beginning, and how to catch the reader. You might be new to writing, I don't know, but in any case, a really good book is Gotham Writer's Workshop Guide to Writing Fiction. (Really long title!) I suggest you check it out. I've had it for maybe three years now, and I still go back to it when I need help.

Best of luck! If you have any questions or comments, feel free to PM me.

I think the problem you may have here is that it's difficult to develop characters such as gods in a non-archetypal way. As a quick question; are you planning on mentioning the gods again, or will you focus on their mortal proxies in the contest?

Now in your piece you've done a good job of showing that whatever competition takes place is about besting other gods, rather than any actual interest in the mortals. The problem, however, is that the gods do not seem to care enough. Yes, they compete with one another and get bragging rights...but what else? Also, are these going to be the only 3 gods?

"For Our sake's"
Please no. This line should never make it into a piece, unless you have the Fool use it humorously

“As many followers/gatherers as one wants.”
People don't talk with "/'s", you could have 'follower-gatherers' or 'followers and gatherers"

“Any Time/Age/Era/Eon.”
Same thing, you could have commas here though.

Regardless of any changes you want to make, it is a good piece and dont take any knocks about character development too hard.

Cheerio,
Rubric